As ever, great thanks must be given to my sister and Ecclesiastes, whose input and suggestions for these idiotic Valentines rants goes way above the call of duty, even in consideration of the fact that just being my sounding boards for normal rants is already going way above the call of duty of family and friendship. If any of the silly things below seem amusing or clever to you, there's a better chance than not that this quality is exclusively thanks to the influence of Ecc or my sister.
Chocolate, candy, special dinners, gestures and displays and professions of love...Valentine's Day is already pretty close to the total package when it comes to the holiday experience. In spite of this, however, there has always been 1 notable failing of the holiday, the glaring and inescapable shame of Valentine's Day for centuries: not enough RPG content. But that ends now! Or...7 years ago, when I first started doing these. Whatever. The important thing is, Valentine's Day is now the perfect holiday because I'm a freaking hero. You're welcome.
But just as I giveth, so can I also taketh the hell awayeth. My gift of RPG Valentines may have elevated the holiday to perfection, but even an angel of Heaven can fall to the darkest depths of the abyss. Because I have lived long enough to see myself become the villain, here are a few RPG Anti-Valentines sure to cause much wailing and gnashing of teeth in their recipients!
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>Valundine
ReplyDeleteFinally, a Valentine that made me recoil. Truly remarkable.
I'm sorry to be the one to do this, but I'm not familiar with the Penumatic Gauntlet in New Vegas.
Wasn't expecting Medea, but not all surprises are unpleasant.
Anti-Valentines are still going strong, I see. HK-47 steals the show, but the rest are solid.
Damn my stupid eyes! Fixed; thanks for the heads-up before many people could see it and laugh cruelly and appropriately at me.
DeleteOh man, if you think ValUndine is bad, you are not gonna like some of the years to come.
HK-47 always steals the show. Poor Delita was robbed.
Some more valentines:
ReplyDeleteI'm stumped to find flaws in you! *Dronya from Labyrinth of Refrain Coven of Dusk, an excellent Nippon Ichi game I beat and unlocked its bonus stage recently*
Roses are red, Hitler gets a bad rep;
I only love because you're a Jap. *Koichi Sugiyama*
Your Valentine's Day present is some microtransactions, but due to an "error in the program" you will have to pay for them. *Blizzard*
I will steal your heart and sell it as an N.F.T! *Square-Enix*
Not gonna lie, the Sugiyama one makes me chuckle.
DeleteIt's definitely got a swagger to it.
DeleteMore Valentines:
ReplyDeleteWill you love if I remember to put gameplay and fun in the next Death Stranding? *Hideo Kojima*
Give me more money and I will give you fungible love! We don't money or morals when we have each other! *Metaverse*
Your present will arrive somewhere between Valentine's Day and 2026 and may be broken and covered in shit, but you had better love me or get bitch slapped! *DKOldies*
Your Valentine's Day present is to watch me get punched in the face in MMA fights. * Jake Paul*