Shin Megami Tensei 5's Downloadable Content

Oh goody.  DLC for Shin Megami Tensei 5.  So let’s see, that’s...an add-on, an add-on for a JRPG, an add-on which was made by Atlus, and an add-on that’s part of the SMT series.  Yeah, I’m sure this is gonna be great.



A Goddess in Training: It’s not worth the price.  In fact, here, Imma save you some time and tell you right upfront: NONE of these things are worth the cost.  None of them are even close.  Columbus was closer to finding India than SMT5’s DLCs get to being worth what they cost.  Fallout 76 is closer to being a Fallout title than these things are to being a worthwhile purchase.  Kanye West is closer to being a human being who deserves to be listened to than these add-ons are to providing an adequate return for your investment.

So anyway, A Goddess in Training basically has you pay $5 to do the following:
- Walk up to Artemis, Greek goddess of the hunt
- Tell her you killed the Hydra
- Go kill a Quetzacoatl to judge whether it’s strong enough to provide training to her
- Since Quetzacoal wasn’t up to snuff, you get to be Artemis’s sparring partner instead
- Recruit Artemis once you’re done kicking the crap out of her as the next part of her training

That’s it.  That’s all.  For $5 you get to engage in 2 fights and get a single new, slightly-more-helpful-than-average medium-low level Pokemon demon, attached to a “story” about how some chick wants to train and will now do so.  I’m not even sure it qualifies as a story; there was greater conflict and purpose to the process of brushing my teeth this morning than A Goddess in Training.  The throwaway "deliver x number of items to me" sidequests in SMT5 are more involved and significant, for fuck’s sake.  It has taken me longer to write this review than it took me to play this DLC from start to finish.  It may have taken you longer to read it.


The Rage of a Queen: This is somehow even shorter than the last one.  You get the quest, you go where Cleopatra is--this, the previous, and the next DLC all take place in the first area’s map, by the way, so the process of actually getting to the quest marker is more or less instantaneous; don’t go thinking there’s any kind of new territory to pass through or anything--she decides you must be there to kill her, you fight her, and you either let her kill herself or stop her from doing so, either way allowing you to add her to your ranks.  That’s it.

It’s $3 for nothing.  Generic level-up dialogue lines express more individuality and character for the demons speaking them than this DLC provides for Cleopatra.  The Rage of a Queen is phoning it in by the standards of Shin Megami Tensei 5, a game that is already half-assing it as an RPG.


The Doctor’s Last Wish: Oh wow look how unexpected, another DLC in which you get a quest, beat a demon up, and call it a day.  Another DLC that, not counting the commute from quest-giver to quest-target and back, can wrap itself up in less than 10 minutes.  For $3.

As expected by this point, what minuscule content you get from this add-on isn’t all that great.  Basically, you track down a scientist who makes proto-fiends like Aogami, and it turns out that he’s stayed alive and youthful for a while because he made a deal with Mephisto.  This deal stipulates that Doc Dumbass gets to keep kicking until he creates a proto-fiend with a human heart and soul.  Mephisto then makes the claim that the contract is fulfilled, pointing to the protagonist as evidence.

Which I don’t think really makes any sense, by the way.  First of all, the fact that Aogami happened to fall face-first into his compatible human knowledge counterpart is an act that Professor Putz had little to nothing to do with.  It’s not like he specifically designed Aogami with the theory or hypothesis that Aogami would be capable of it; it in fact sounds rather like this guy didn’t really know about the whole Susano-o thing at all.  So can this really, contractually qualify as Scientist Stupidface achieving that which he set out to do?  Og the Caveman can’t claim to have invented fire just because the lit match I drop happens to fall into his stick pile.

Secondly, how does anyone look at the protagonist of Shin Megami Tensei 5 and see anything that remotely resembles a being with a human heart and soul?  SMT5’s hero is more of an automaton than any actual robot I can immediately recall having seen in an RPG.  He makes Fire Emblem 16’s Byleth look positively emotive!  Doctor Dipshit should’ve seen the protagonist and felt like he’d moved further from his goal.

Anyway, Mephisto demands the guy’s soul, main character steps in to stop it, fight ensues, the dude dies anyway because it was Mephisto keeping him alive, and you’re done.  How fucking thrilling.


Return of the True Demon: Oh good, Atlus is now shamelessly leveraging your nostalgia as a cheap, crass selling point.  Congratulations, Atlus, so great to see you’ve finally joined the Dignity’s Rock-Bottom Club.  Leon’s Charizard will take your coat, Todd Howard will show you to your table, and if you need anything, SquareEnix is tending bar.

So basically, Return of the True Demon lets you take on the classic Fiends of Shin Megami Tensei (like you did in Shin Megami Tensei 3), and once you’re done with that, you’re given the opportunity to fight...SMT3's protagonist, THE DEMI-FIEND!!!  OOOOOH WOW HOLY SHIT THE DEMI-FIEND WOOOO YEAH BABY HOW EXCITING, ET CETERA!  As if that’s some big fucking deal.  Serph already curb-stomped Demi-fiend in SMT Digital Devil Saga 1, and considering their substantially greater accomplishments and feats of power, it’s hard to imagine that SMT2’s Aleph and SMT4-2’s Nanashi couldn’t also whup his ass pretty tidily.  But fanboys are known neither for their capacity for rational thought nor for the accuracy of their memory, so the Demi-fiend is still the SMT main character that draws the most attention, and Atlus is looking to cash that shit in.

Now credit where it’s due: you get to interact with each of the Fiends as you encounter them, and they do share a bit of mildly interesting lore stuff regarding the SMT main series’s timeline and cycles.  A lot of the other stuff they say is just pandering hype for the Demi-Fiend and for SMT5’s protagonist, but hey, how else would we know just what a super special boy the Nahobino is if SMT5 didn’t squander its extremely limited narrative presence on constantly telling us so?  Regardless, it’s at least SOMETHING slightly interesting, and even a tiny morsel is delicious to the starving man, so what one might take for granted in a well-told RPG stands out in Shin Megami Tensei 5.   Also, even if it’s obviously fanservice, it is fun to see that the Demi-Fiend is still hanging out with his Pixie, and it’s cool that she even gets lines as the Tatl to his Link.  So yeah, I guess that in spite of how shameless this DLC is in its premise, Return of the True Demon is probably the best of these add-ons.

But it’s also 10 bucks for 10 fights and about 5 - 10 minutes of dialogue.  The fact that this is the best cost-to-content ratio of SMT5’s add-ons doesn’t make this a smart buy--it just highlights what a fucking scam Atlus is running here.  So yeah, while I’d like to match the original Uber-Pixie against my latest home-brewed version of the tiny titan, my pride as a man, and more importantly as a Megaten player, will manage to survive not purchasing this DLC.  Maybe if you see this thing go down to, I dunno, $1, it might be worth your time, but otherwise, give Return of the True Demon the same hard pass as all the others.



Well gee, what a surprise, the company with a history of bad and overpriced add-ons has made some bad, overpriced DLCs for their bad, overpriced game.  Would it kill Atlus and Nintendo and all the rest to prove me wrong every now and then?