Friday, February 3, 2006

Xenosaga 2's Space Motorcycle

The Xenosaga series is good, but I understand it's not perfect. Certain characters are annoying, there are quite a few points where the plot seems to get confused by itself or just get kind of stupidly random (living up to its predecessor, Xenogears, quite well). And the second in the series had a flashback to sum up a month's worth of plot in a couple scenes and 5 minutes of dialogue (again, flashbacks to Xenogears...fuck that goddamn chair). But overall I like it, and overall, I can accept or at least forgive most of its occasional badly-contrived plot twists.


But that one scene with the space motorcycle I really, really hate.

I mean, for starters, it's a fucking motorcycle. In space. Now I know that you can make nonsensical combinations of cool things that become Cool x 10 when combined. It's an internet standard, and usually involves Russian Communists. But it does not always work. And this is one place where it does not. It is just mind-bogglingly stupid. I am no fan of Xenogears by any stretch of imagination, but I readily admit that none of its many outright ridiculous plot devices and twists even compare to this. KOSMOS's space bike is just a monument to idiocy, a shining, reeking statue carved from mistaken originality, radiantly glimmering in its message of "It Seemed Like A Good Idea When I Was Writing The Script Last Night After The Bartender Told Me I'd Had Enough," and "I Liked The Part In The Movie Where Utena Turned Into A Car."

But it's not the sheer stupidity that really gets me about it. I've suffered almost as badly contrived ideas in FF8 and Chrono Cross and not developed a sheer hatred for either game (dislike, yes, but not hatred). It's the fact that it destroys what could have easily been the most deep and touching moment in the entire game. Shion's gotten herself in trouble half a galaxy away, is desperately calling for someone to help her. Back at the HQ, countless miles away, KOSMOS suddenly turns on, and states that Shion needs her. This intense, inspiring devotion she feels is enough that she can hear it and answer its call from across the universe, even when she's disassembled to the point that she shouldn't even be capable of activation. Shion needs her, and she'll find a way to protect her even if it means breaking possibility. It's a loyalty and determination that is, as I noted before, inspiring.

And it was completely wiped from my mind for months because to go rescue Shion, KOSMOS conjures up, from the deep recesses of Plot Needs It, a motorcycle. For SPACE. It is so laughably idiotic that I didn't even remember how good the scene was up to that point for months.

This rant brought to you by my friend CyberlogicX, whose showing me a recent toy of Darth Vader riding a motorcycle (which is possibly even MORE stupid than KOSMOS doing it) reminded me of this scene.

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