Monday, February 27, 2006

The Final Fantasy Series as Women

EDIT FROM YEARS IN THE FUTURE: Wow, this rant is so non-PC it makes me wince...and a lot of it doesn't even make all that much sense, even. I guess I'll leave it up because, well, it IS pretty funny at times, but my rants have gone in a much, much better direction since this early time, so...please don't judge me too harshly for it? Although you can if you want to; I can't really deny this doesn't paint me in a particularly intelligent light.

I have come up with a new way of describing the FF games all together, everyone! One which is not exactly child-appropriate at parts!

1 is your first kiss. It was awkward, new, and time seemed to fold in on itself as it happened.

2 is the girl you saw in the hallways during High School, but never could get the time to ask out. Years later, you ran into her again, and you finally had the chance to take her out on a few dates.

3 is the bitch who totally stood you up.

4 is the girl you lost your virginity to. It was a wonderful, new experience, even if all but one of her little deaths turned out to be fake.

5 is that one chick too obsessed with her multiple crummy jobs to talk about anything interesting over dinner. Then she got drunk and took turns pretending to be a princess and a pirate, and eventually you just called the cab to take her home while she vomited on your shoes.

6 was a double date, possibly the greatest ever, because the buddy you were with was too busy brooding over his ex to respect his date, so after having a great time between the sheets with your date and having her go home to relieve her babysitter, the other chick jumped you as well.

Mystic Quest was the one whose idea of a good time was to take a crap on you. There was no second date.

7 turned out to be a drag queen, and you found out at a very inopportune time.

8 was the vapid airhead you laid just to prove that you could. Afterwards she kept yapping about love and marriage and getting you to join her little magic wiccan guild or some such shit and you were all like, "Ho, please. Fill that mouth again or get the hell out."

9 was the sweety who reminded you of 1 and 4. Everything seemed old and new at once. And it was fabulous.

Tactics was your hot professor who taught both your Quantum Physics and your Political Sciences courses. Sure, you didn't understand a goddamn thing she was saying while she was explaining the game plan, but oh man was it good in practice.

The Spirits Within was that prissy bitch that you spent all night impressing at that expensive restaurant only to have her say she had a headache and go home. Total waste of time and a week's paycheck.

10 was your true love, who died soon after you hooked up.

7AC was the girl your friend set you up with who you barely noticed staring at your pants because you were still too obsessed with the one who died.

10-2 was the night you went out and bought 3 hookers at the same time because one of them vaguely resembled your dead love and you thought maybe it would reconcile you to her death a little. All it did was give you herpes, though. And then all 3 of them took turns kicking you in the groin and laughing, while you willingly paid them to do it.

11 was not a girl so much as it was several girls that you whored naked pictures of yourself out to online in a desperate attempt to feel loved.

Before Crisis was when, still trying to lose yourself in something to forget your long-lost love, you accepted an invitation from some friends to participate in an orgy with some of their old friends from college.

Tactics Advance is your friend who gave you a pity-fuck and then told you to just get your fucking life together and deal with your shit.

Dirge of Cerberus was when Gackt raped you.


  1. I agree with 10, 10-2 and Mystic Quest

  2. Also Dirge of Cerberus, which was spot on.

    I don't understand 2, 3, 7 or 7AC though.