Thursday, February 20, 2020


The new rant, updated on every 8th, 18th, and 28th of the month, is right below this post. Enjoy! But before you do, I have a quick announcement...

Friday, February 8, 2019

General RPG Valentines 3

A great many thanks to both my sister and to Ecclesiastes for their help with making these!

Well, folks, it's Valentine's Day once more, and you know what that means: in an attempt to keep myself in good company, I've crafted some RPG-themed Valentines for you to send to the object of your affection, so that you, too, will spend this year's holiday single. Happy Day Before Cheap Chocolate Day, all!

And of course, for those of you who want a more straightforward but still RPG-themed way of driving people away, I got you covered on that angle, too!

Monday, January 28, 2019

Bravely Second's Lousy Romance for Edea

Big thanks go to my buddy Ecclesiastes, for reading this rant through ahead of time to make sure I wasn’t completely spouting nonsense. As always, you are a champ, sir.

Bravely Default made a bit of an impact on the JRPG scene when it came out, for a few reasons. It was a well-made, well-written RPG that managed to be both a perfect representation of classic Final Fantasy and a strong title in its own right with a lot of twists that took you by surprise. It came virtually out of nowhere; I don’t think anyone had anticipated it, nor its quality. And, by far most surprising of all, it was a SquareEnix title--who could have predicted that they would actually be willing to make a good product again, after so many years? Even SquareEnix was publicly shocked by its success, a fact that I have always found absolutely hilarious. It’s like, “Oh wow! We made a game that’s like the games we used to sell back when we were well-liked and respected--and the game is well-liked and respected! WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED THAT WE COULD ACHIEVE SUCCESS BY DOING THE THINGS THAT MADE US SUCCESSFUL IN THE FIRST PLACE!?”

SquareEnix was so impressed, in fact, that they indicated that they would have to begin rethinking their overall direction and strategy as a game developer! And then, they forgot they ever said anything of the kind, and went back to making Kingdom Hearts rereleases, mobile trash Final Fantasy so-called games, and Yaoi Boy Band Camping Trip Simulator 15. But even if the slobbering knuckle-dragging executives of SquareEnix continued to refuse to respect their work, audience, or selves, they at least must have respected the potential to make more money from the Bravely title, as Bravely Second was published a few years later.

And it was...surprisingly good. Perhaps instinctively knowing that they couldn’t pull off the exact same success twice in a row, Silicon Studios took a new approach to the game’s overall feel and narrative, giving Bravely Second a far lighter tone overall, while keeping enough gravity to its story and characters to keep the audience invested and satisfied. And it worked--while Second is certainly not as good as Default, it’s skillful enough in mixing comedy into its style that it’s an overall fun title with virtually no substantial flaws.

Except, that is, for the fact that it really just kinda screws Edea over in the romance department.

Now, I can’t pretend that I like any of the major love subplots of Bravely Second (nor, for that matter, its predecessor). As a couple, Tiz and Agnes have, and have always had, the heat and passion of a bowl of plain oatmeal that’s been sitting out for several hours. They’re a piece of the nostalgic RPGs of yore that shouldn’t have been dug up for Bravely Default--the Hero x Primary Supporting Female that happens out of some imagined narrative obligation rather than any believable emotional connection. And while noticeably better than Agnes and Tiz, I can’t say that Magnolia and Yew have a particularly captivating chemistry, either--their connection feels no stronger or more romantic than their friendship with the other party members. In fact, I think there’s more demonstrable evidence of Yew having the hots for Tiz than for his having an interest in Magnolia.

But at least those romantic couplings are all just boring and lifeless. I mean, that’s not good, obviously, but it is, sadly, kind of standard fare for RPGs, which seem to view romances as a box on a list to check off more than an aspect of characterization to value and nurture. Edea’s situation, however, is not just boring, it’s outright negative.

So, here’s the deal. Through the course of Bravely Second, it is hinted here and there that Edea is carrying a torch for her former comrade from the first game, Ringabel. Why this is, your guess is as good as mine--certainly there’s no evidence to be found by any rational person of a romantic attraction on Edea’s part in the entirety of her interactions with Ringabel during Bravely Default. But hey, classic JRPG law clearly states that a female character’s life is meaningless if she’s not romantically involved with someone or other, so Bravely Second must clumsily attach her to Ringabel through some unwieldy narrative tape. And the fact that it’s a mild case of Since We’re Not Related It’ll Be Okay Syndrome is no doubt a bonus in the writers’ eyes, as Japan is so very fond of that sort of thing.

There comes a sidequest toward the game’s end, 1 which is otherwise really good, wherein Edea’s secret loneliness is exposed: she can see that the rest of her friends are all going to be boringly hooked up by the adventure’s end, while the guy she’s pining for is in another dimension. It is at this time that the Alternis Dim who’s been occasionally showing up during the game’s events to help Edea reveals that he is, in fact, Ringabel, returned to this world because he’s now some sort of interdimensional beat cop or something who’s on a job here, and he reassures Edea that she’ll never truly be alone, because any time she’s truly in danger, he’ll come to stand at her side. This appears to satisfy Edea, and the game’s writers clearly consider the matter of Edea wanting to have a significant other settled.

Well, that’s a really shitty way to treat Edea, if you ask me.

Let’s put aside the fact that Edea x Ringabel has spontaneously materialized out of nothingness and makes no sense based on Edea’s character and her interactions with Ringabel during the first game. Let’s pretend, for a moment, that Edea and Ringabel as a couple has any sort of emotional and rational logic to it. With that perspective, we are still looking at a situation in which Edea is expected to no longer feel romantically lonely because there is a guy somewhere out in the multiverse who cares for her, who she only gets to see and spend time with when her life is in serious peril.

I don’t think the writers of Bravely Second really understand how loneliness works.

Newsflash, Silicon Studios: the first and most basic, necessary thing that most people want in a boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t just that they’ll be around at the very worst of times. It’s that they’ll be around the rest of the time, too. I mean, think about how ridiculous this is, to expect Edea to have her loneliness completely solved by a guy who can only guarantee his presence in dire circumstances. It’d be like if the only time you ever got to call your boyfriend was when you were also calling the fire department, or an ambulance.

So while Agnes gets to live out the rest of her life throwing sheep in and out of pastures with Tiz, and Magnolia gets to live the rest of her life cooking like a good little waifu for Yew,* Edea gets to sit around by herself and attempt to find the same level of fulfilling companionship solely from the knowledge that there’s a guy somewhere in some universe who’s into her. Not into her enough to try not to leer at other girls, of course, but still.

It reminds me of a common defense that fans of Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic make whenever the fact that RD is a terrible friend for most of the show’s run is brought up: that even though most of the time she’s self-centered and utterly careless about her friends’ feelings, Rainbow Dash has demonstrated that she’ll always be there when the chips are down to help save them. Well that’s great and all, but believe it or not, I think that if your greatest/only act as a friend is that you’ll try to keep your pals from being dead, you might not be all that great of a friend. Frankly, I kind of expect that all of my chums, if given the option to either help me out or just sit and watch me die, would opt to do the former. Preferring that someone not die a horrible death seems to me like it should be a given in friendship, rather than some great, laudable achievement. Likewise for Ringabel: a promise to always be there on the exceptionally rare occasions of mortal danger does not make up for not being there all the rest of the time, and frankly, I would kind of expect as much from anyone who cared about Edea to any degree, not just romantically.

Hell, it only gets worse when you really consider how often she’s likely to be in the life-threatening situations which Ringabel will show up for. I mean, by Bravely Second’s end, Edea is arguably the most powerful warrior in the entire world. Add to that the fact that she’s great friends with the next 4 most powerful warriors in the world and has but to ask their aid for them to come running to help her. Add to that the fact that she’s also now the leader of the most powerful military force in the world, situated in a nation with several natural defenses. Add to that the fact that within her military’s higher ranks are a significant portion of the rest of the world’s most powerful warriors. And then add to all that the fact that her nation shares the continent with a recovering powerful military force (the Crystal Guard) which is being restored and reshaped by a personal friend of hers, and which includes a couple more of the world’s most powerful warriors. Plus, the last major military force in the world, the Shieldbearers, are also run by a personal friend of Edea’s. Add all that together, and tell me: exactly how many times is Edea ever likely to see the guy she likes if he only ever shows up when she’s in mortal danger?

The concept of a pledge out of love that you’ll always be there to keep someone safe from danger is romantic, to be sure. But it’s not a romance in and of itself. If a love story were a cheeseburger, such an idea would be the condiment: a pleasant addition, but rather meaningless by itself. The actual meat of this metaphorical meal would be just being there for that special someone the rest of the time, when they’re able to appreciate and take comfort from your presence. And for someone who’s susceptible to romantic loneliness, that matters all the more. So for Bravely Second to arbitrarily and spontaneously decide that Edea is into Ringabel, then make her suffer from loneliness because she’s the only 1 of her friends not able to be with the person she likes, and then say her romantic problems are solved because Ringabel will be there for her in the most dire of circumstances but at no other time, is for this game to royally fuck Edea over in the worst possible way, romance-wise. It traps her in a romantic purgatory, unable to move forward to seek love with some other (probably more qualified) person, yet also unable to actually be with the object of her affections, even though she, as the only cast member specifically shown to be prone to loneliness in love, is the person who needs that companionship the most. And that really sucks.

* Is it just me, or do the women of Bravely Second’s romances always seem to do all the heavy lifting and sacrifice-making in their relationships? Magnolia leaves everyone she knew and cared about at her home so she could be with Yew, while all Yew has to do on his end is actually tell Magnolia that he loves her (although to watch him struggle with it, you’d think that actually was something really difficult). Agnes gives up a fulfilling career doing work she believes in just so that Tiz can pursue his halfhearted ambitions of fondling sheep without having to relocate to a different country, even though the destruction of Norende means it would emotionally cost him absolutely nothing to simply move closer to Agnes so she could be with him AND continue doing things that actually matter to her. Edea’s situation, as currently being illustrated, is garbage. Vega’s memories and love for Altair are the majority of the ammunition used by a dark god to torment her for centuries. And Aimee not only gets stuck with Chef Boyardouché, truly a terrible fate by itself, but is just expected to be totally cool with him keeping his female groupies around, while all she gets out of it are some pancakes. The man wasn’t even good enough to introduce her to waffles.

Friday, January 18, 2019

Borderlands 2's Downloadable Content

A few years back, I purchased and played Borderlands 1, and found it to be...okay. Certainly not the wildly hilarious and epic adventure that the people recommending it to me promised, but enjoyable enough, mostly. I guess. The DLC scene for Borderlands 1, however, was fairly bad, and certainly overpriced by its original rates.

Well, I’ve now played Borderlands 2 from start to finish, and I have to admit, I find it a substantial improvement on its predecessor. The comical tone that the first game struggled to get right has finally been correctly hit here, the characters involved are more numerous and far better (even the returning NPCs who were highly uninteresting in the first game, can now extract a chuckle or 2 from me), and the story, as well as the villain, is so much better this time around. So, then, the question is: did the Downloadable Content for Borderlands 2 improve, as well?

Let’s find out.

Mechromancer and Psycho Packs: These each add a new playable protagonist to the game, those being Gaige and Krieg. It doesn’t really make a huge difference, honestly, given that the protagonist of Borderlands 2 doesn’t really have a whole lot of personalized interaction with the story--their flavor dialogue is unique, of course, but generally expresses the same ideas, and only rarely actually relates to the events of the game’s plot and characters.

On the other hand, of the 6 protagonists introduced in Borderlands 2, Gaige and Krieg are the only ones who are especially interesting or memorable. Yeah, Axton, Maya, Salvador, and Zer0 all tow the line just fine in a plot that neither expects nor requires much of them to be functional, but Gaige and Krieg are just leagues above them in terms of personality and amusing quips.

On the other other hand, though, each of these add-ons costs $10 if you haven’t gotten the Game of the Year edition, and way, way too much. Like I said, this game ultimately doesn’t really require a lot of personal, spoken interaction from its protagonist in order to do what it needs to; you only really get specific characterization for Borderlands 2’s Vault Hunter in some of the DLCs below, rather than seeing much in the game proper. So even though Gaige and Kreig are my favorite characters of Borderlands 2’s protagonists--indeed, the only ones I honestly even especially give a crap about--I would have to say that, if you don’t have a version of the game with automatic access to them, then $10 isn’t worth it. At least, not in terms of narrative content. How much you value alternative methods of gameplay, which both character provides, may influence whether or not either of these characters feels worth it for you.

Anyway, enough of the character add-ons. Let’s get to the meat of the game’s DLC: the campaigns and quests.

Captain Scarlett and her Pirate’s Booty: To start us off, we get...this. Sigh.

Okay, so, this DLC has some good characteristics. has 1. Captain Scarlett herself is engaging and mildly funny, and I wound up really liking her, personally. As a villain, she’s certainly no Handsome Jack, and as a companionable commentator, she doesn’t really measure up to several of the main game’s cast, but still, Scarlett keeps you amused well enough, to the extent that her role allows.

Aside from Captain Scarlett herself, however, this is just a pretty dull miniature adventure. The plot pretty much just sucks: you go to a new area of Pandora to find a pirate treasure, and Captain Scarlett helps you do so, then betrays you. That’s pretty much it. The plot throws no curveballs save elongating some tasks with extra, small quests within them, and the motivation and ideas are just not compelling. I mean, honestly, it’s practically no different from the main plot of Borderlands 1: go to a desolate place, search for a special treasure, deal with the stuff keeping you from it, get betrayed. It wasn’t interesting then, it’s not interesting now. And just like in Borderlands 1, most of the supporting cast feels forced and 1-dimensional. Besides Scarlett--and I want to clarify that while she’s very likeable, she ain’t an amazing character herself--all you get in this DLC are boring characters like Shade, whose 1 joke is stretched so far that it would have gotten old quickly even if it were funny to begin with, that old guy whose obsession with Scarlett is not nearly as entertaining as the writers clearly believed it to be, and some robot that wants to censor stuff, whose ironic humor is weak at best. There’s just no substance here. Nothing’s awful, but almost nothing is good, either.

Captain Scarlett and her Pirate’s Booty was sold for $8 initially, which makes it less costly than the Borderlands 1 DLC packages that I decried, and I appreciate that to an extent. Nonetheless, still not worth it. By virtue of Scarlett, I guess this add-on might be worth, I dunno...$2? $3? But certainly not anywhere close to $8.

Mr. Torgue’s Campaign of Carnage: Sigh. Again. I don’t know whether this is a step up or down from the first DLC.

On the good side, there’s Mr. Torgue. He’s funny, and his humor is long-lived enough to sustain the entirety of this little adventure. Plus, it’s kind of neat to meet him at all, as 1 of the major corporate figures of the Borderlands universe, and, so far, the only 1 that doesn’t totally suck. And at least this time around, you’ve got a few familiar faces along for the ride in Mad Moxxi and Tiny Tina, which is a good sight better than the new and unfunny characters of the last add-on.

On the bad side...the plot sucks, again, with no more depth or purpose than Captain Scarlett’s Pirate Booty’s story had. In fact, it’s a bit worse, because the payoff of Mr. Torgue’s Campaign of Carnage is that after completing it, you get the riches of a Vault, and...they’re not impressive. It’s basically just an explosion of loot and money. Which is nice and all, but this is a Vault! Its wonders are meant to be unexpected and amazing, challenging and leaping beyond the ken of mortal men. Seeing the storied focus of the Borderlands universe reduced to a normal boss payoff is underwhelming, and even a bit damaging to the lore of the games. Additionally, the villain for this adventure, Piston, is very boring and unimaginative,* and the secondary bad guys are no better. Lastly, while I appreciate the use of Moxxi and Tina, I have to say, surprisingly little is really done with them. Mad Moxxi’s just there to perform her plot role and has little else to contribute, and you could honestly just cut Tiny Tina out of the DLC entirely, and it would have no noticeable effect. Which is very strange, because you’d think an add-on story about an explosion-loving madman running a tournament would be a perfect environment for Moxxi and Tina’s characters to thrive in!

So in the end? Not worth the original $10 asking price. Not even close.

Sir Hammerlock’s Big Game Hunt: Sigh x3.

Okay, so...I guess this is a step up? Professor Nakayama is a little more amusing than Captain Scarlett was as a villain and a hell of a lot better than Piston, and there is, I guess, something a little closer to an actual plot, this time around, unlike the previous 2 DLCs. Also, Nakayama is not forced to shoulder the entirety of the entertainment burden the way Scarlett was, and in the way that Torgue turned out to be, in that this DLC also unexpectedly involves Claptrap, who is always good for a chuckle or 2.

But ultimately, Sir Hammerlock’s Big Game Hunt still feels like a complete waste of time. It may be stronger than “Find a Treasure” and “Win a Tournament”, but the plot is nonetheless weak, listless, and predictable. There’s a single twist right at the end, and that’s really just a joke that plays on your expectations of video game conventions, good for a tiny laugh and nothing more. And with such an unremarkable story to work with, the characters and villain in this DLC can’t really do much to liven things up. In the end, this DLC, much like the last couple, doesn’t feel like a new side story to Borderlands 2 so much as it does just an excuse to extend your playtime. $10 for this? What a ripoff.

Tiny Tina’s Assault on Dragon Keep: Finally! Now this is what I’m talking about!

Tiny Tina’s Assault on Dragon Keep is great. Just a solid, hard score of Great from me. 2 thumbs up, absolutely. The premise for this DLC is a lot of fun and a creative new approach to Borderlands. The story to it is good, and on a meta-level, it’s very good. It’s engaging and fun throughout, inviting back almost all the major characters of Borderlands 2’s main campaign and using them to their strengths--not to mention, it also brings in Mr. Torgue again, which is a nice bonus, because as disappointing as the previous DLC packages have been, he was definitely a diamond in their rough. It’s funny, with plenty of sidequests that poke fun at the fantasy genre and RPGs, and make fun references (without going too overboard with them, thankfully) to various aspects of geekdom, including even an interesting little look at how longtime geeks feel about this decade’s trend toward nerdy culture becoming more mainstream and finding more socially popular kinds of people experimenting with it. This DLC even has your Vault Hunter say a few lines now and then specific to her/him! It’s a small thing, but it’s something I wish had been done more in the regular game.

Lastly and most noteworthy, Tiny Tina’s Assault on Dragon Keep is a great use and exploration of the major characters of Borderlands 2. In being a retrospective of the game’s own events, this DLC provides great character development for Tiny Tina, and some decent development for Lilith, Brick, and Mordecai, and it does so with skill both overt and subtle--the scene at the end, as the Handsome Sorcerer is defeated, is a great, well-written piece of obvious character development for Tina and the others, but there’s a lot of dialogue throughout the campaign that subtly reflects the DLC’s purpose and the characters’ development, too. I really love some of the dialogue that the Sorcerer’s Daughter screams while you’re fighting her, very quietly insightful about what this whole DLC’s really about.

Honestly, there is nothing about this DLC not to love. It’s fun, it captures the best aspects of Borderlands 2 perfectly, it’s refreshing, it deepens the characters and lore, it’s silly but also moving...this is 1 of the best RPG add-ons I’ve come across, without question. I don’t even care what the asking price originally was for Tiny Tina’s Assault on Dragon Keep: it was worth it. This is the perfect final note to this game.

What a damn shame it wasn’t actually the last Borderlands 2 DLC.

T.K. Baha’s Bloody Harvest: I have no idea why this exists.

Okay, fine, that’s not accurate. I know darn well that this DLC exists because capitalism is a bloated, horrific nightmare that’s allowed to grow to its nonexistent heart’s content in the video game industry. Some executive at Gearbox Software decided that he’d rather use twenties than tissues as his cum rags, and so this, and every add-on below, was hastily slapped together.

What I meant was, I have no idea why, from a perspective of actually giving a shit about artistic integrity of storytelling, this exists. It’s a boring, roundabout “Go Here, Kill X” quest with a Halloween theme that involves a minor character who got killed off about 5 minutes into Borderlands 1. There’s no point to this, there’s not much in the way of humor, and frankly, a halfhearted coat of Halloween paint doesn’t actually add anything to the Borderlands 2 experience.

But worse than the fact that this is at best an appetizer of an adventure devoid of any good qualities, is that it’s all that, after Tiny Tina’s Assault on Dragon Keep. As I said, TTAoDK is, as a DLC, basically the perfect final note for Borderlands 2 to end upon, a closing to a solid game that manages to be pleasingly fresh, comically signature, and meaningfully retrospective to Borderlands 2. So while T.K. Baha’s Bloody Harvest would be a throwaway bit of drudgery under normal circumstances, the fact that it comes after what is clearly and perfectly the end of Borderlands 2’s events just all the more brightly highlights how utterly superfluous and unwelcome this DLC is, how obvious a careless cash-grab that proves its creators value avariciously scamming their benefactors out of more money more than they value the dignity of their art.

This is overpriced at $3, it was overpriced at the $1 sale price I paid for it, and you will miss absolutely goddamn nothing by avoiding it. This is basically the third season to Borderlands 2’s Rurouni Kenshin.

The Horrible Hunger of the Ravenous Wattle Gobbler: This’s just as unnecessary as the last little DLC, but I guess this one’s got enough going for it that it’s not completely worthless. It’s a mildly amusing little Thanksgiving-themed sidequest, which, honestly, you wouldn’t think would work better than the Halloween theme of the last DLC, but somehow it does. I mean, it’s not hilarious, but Mister Torgue, its central figure, is always good for a chuckle or 2, and while they feel like a stretch, I am, ultimately, a sucker for Hunger Games references, and they do strangely sort of fit. But what makes The Horrible Hunger of the Ravenous Wattle Gobbler decent is the fact that it actually has a little bit of story to its events, and that it advances the Borderlands lore, even if only a little bit. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that this tiny nugget of an adventure is worth the $3 asking price, but if you can get The Horrible Hunger of the Ravenous Wattle Gobbler on sale (I got it for only $1, myself), then it’s enjoyable enough to be worth picking up.

How Marcus Saved Mercenary Day: There’s a couple halfway decent jokes here, but overall, this Christmas-themed DLC has just about nothing to offer. The overall quest is dull, there’s not really any sense of purpose to it, and the new character is a really overdone Christmas personality caricature. Most of all, the personality holding the whole DLC together is Marcus. With how frequently Marcus is involved in Borderlands 2’s events, I get the feeling that the writers have grossly overestimated how much players care about this guy--he’s not funny, he’s not interesting, he’s not likable. T.K. Baha wasn’t a strong enough or important enough figure that he should have had his own DLC, but at least that guy is friendly. Marcus just has nothing about him that makes an audience give half a shit about him, and having him as the narrative mainstay of this adventure is a point against it. Save your money, even the paltry $3 this would cost, and avoid How Marcus Saved Mercenary Day.

Mad Moxxi and the Wedding Day Massacre: I guess this one’s alright. This little wedding-themed DLC sees a conclusion to the feud between the Hodunks and Zafords, so it does, I guess, actually advance the lore somewhat...although I’m not sure whether anyone actually cares about that subplot enough to warrant a DLC focus. Mad Moxxi’s the main narrative figure in this adventure, and she’s able to carry it fairly well and keep it interesting--which, I guess, makes this her best moment in Borderlands to this point. Ellie’s there, too, a little, and she’s as middle-of-the-road okay as ever. Still, there’s some content here that reaches higher than average, at least, like the happy couple’s bickering, which is funny, the amusingly unexpected (yet somehow obvious) use of Shakespeare right at the end, and, most importantly, quite a few lines of monologue and dialogue spoken by your Vault Hunter. The protagonists of this game get precious little in the way of development within the game itself (especially poor Gaige and Krieg), so these lines are quite welcome, especially since a few of them actually develop the characters while they crack wise.**

I don’t know whether a few decent laughs and some snippets of rare character dialogue are really worth the full $3, but I reckon that Mad Moxxi and the Wedding Day Massacre is at least worth getting on sale, as I did.

Sir Hammerlock vs. the Son of Crawmerax: This is the final DLC for Borderlands 2, and it’ Not bad, I guess. It, like everything after Tiny Tina’s DLC, is just a very short stint more akin to a sidequest than an actual adventure. The main quest for this add-on is rescuing Hammerlock from the son of the big monster from the first game, and it depends way too hard on the strength of your nostalgia for that final big, repeatable boss battle in Borderlands 1. For anyone but a diehard fan of the first game who grinded for hours against Crawmerax, the main affair of this DLC is nothing of interest.

With that said, a lot of the peripheral stuff in this DLC is pretty good. Hammerlock is so-so, as he always has been, but most of the narrative dialogue in this mini-adventure is done through Lilith, Mordecai, and Brick. I’ve become fond of their dynamic, and in addition to being funny, it also advances the lore a bit here and there for them. I’m also pleased with the fact that there are, again, unique lines of monologue for each Vault Hunter as you go through the quests in this DLC, providing decent little snippets of character development/reinforcement (Gaige, as usual, is the best). Lastly, the secondary quest to this DLC involves the Borderlands 2 main characters personally, which is a good way to get in a last little bit of character-building for them. And as I said before, that’s something they all desperately need more of.

I am, admittedly, a little miffed that this is the last DLC to the game. It’s fine enough as a finale to these miniature holiday-themed sidequest-styled add-ons, sure, but as I said above, Tiny Tina’s Assault on Dragon Keep is the perfect DLC to serve as the epilogue to Borderlands 2, and while there have been some merits to some of these minor packs that came after, we could have done just fine without any of them. That said, however, on its own merit, Sir Hammerlock vs. the Son of Crawmerax isn’t all that bad for its side content, so I suppose it, like the Thanksgiving and Wedding Day DLCs, is worth it if you can get it on sale.

And with that, I close the book on my Borderlands 2 experience. What’s the verdict? Well, much like comparing Borderlands 1 and 2 as a whole, I find Borderlands 2’s DLCs to be a noticeable step up from the first game. Borderlands 1’s add-ons weren’t all bad, but none were actually worth what they cost, and most weren’t even worth the reduced 25% that I paid for them. Borderlands 2, at least, has 1 add-on that’s actually worth its price of admission, and we did get the recurring character of Mr. Torgue from these things, which is a bonus, even if his main DLC package wasn’t worth it. So Borderlands 2’s DLC landscape is a marked improvement over the first game.

But with that said, when not compared to its predecessor and just judged on its own, Borderlands 2 has a subpar DLC gallery. The majority of these things are just not worth the money, and frankly, even if they were free, a few of these things still wouldn’t even be worth the time. Most of the ones that aren’t just an outright mistake to play through still would only be worth buying for a significantly reduced sale price. Yes, there is Tiny Tina’s Assault on Dragon Keep, and that DLC absolutely is great...but no matter how high quality it is, the fact remains that it is the only 1 out of 9 add-ons that actually hit its mark. That’s still better than some games I’ve played, sadly enough, but it’s not acceptable, especially when the high quality of that 1 DLC proves that they were capable of far better. I give Borderlands 2 a thumbs-up overall, but as a whole, its DLC scene doesn’t cut it.

I still miss The Witcher 3.

* Also, I have to say, it really annoys me that they use the same damn joke twice in a row with him. When Captain Scarlett is introduced, her title card amusingly tells you straight up that she is totally gonna betray you. It’s kind of funny that the game’s self-aware enough that it’s gonna spoil what it knows is an obvious plot twist anyway. But then in this DLC, soon after Piston is introduced, Mr. Torgue comments on how obvious it is that the guy is gonna betray you. Once is funny enough to let it slide, but twice? Twice in a row? Really, Borderlands 2?

** What in the world does Gaige see in Hammerlock?

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Tales of Eternia's Skits

Welcome back and happy new year to all of ya! Here's hoping 2019 is a great one! At the very least, let's hope it doesn't trip at the finish line with a ridiculous shit-show of AAA and indie developers alike trying to fuck over their customers every conceivable way they can think of, like 2018.

No game company can make good decisions all the time. Not even respectable developers like Nintendo, CD Projekt Red, and Supergiant Games, developers who are paragons of consistent quality and artistic integrity in the RPG business, are without the capability of missteps. Nintendo’s had its share of flub-ups, CD Projekt Red (from what I am told) significantly misrepresented Yennefer in The Witcher 3, and Supergiant, I’m sure they’ll do something wrong at some point. I’ve played Bastion and Transistor, but haven’t played Pyre yet--maybe they get something wrong there?

Look, my point is, even the most respectable game creators in the business aren’t above making some errors here and there. And Namco’s certainly no different with its Tales of series. Of the 7 Tales of titles I’ve played,* the slight majority were boring and/or outright bad, and even the 1 that I personally like best (Tales of Legendia) only really turns into a good RPG during its second plot. Beyond the overall problems with most of the titles in the series, it’s also plagued at times by absurd over-abundances of gameplay features and mechanics, there’s only a single well-crafted protagonist in the whole series (Luke from Tales of the Abyss), the villains of the series are by and large just terrible, and so on and so forth.

But these are the regular mistakes made by a developer simply not having the talent to properly execute its vision, or not putting in the effort to make its story/characters work better. Or, in the case of the idiotic level of gameplay features by the time of Tales of Zestiria, putting in way, way too much effort on stuff that doesn’t matter. Namco’s mistakes with the Tales of series, many though they are, are just normal ones, errors which annoy me, but take a huge number for me to truly resent the company for them. They are not mistakes that are outright stupid, that are ignorant decisions made by low-quality human beings that are just outright the clearly wrong idea and direction to take--that kind of poor choice is more Bioware’s and SquareEnix’s department, or whatever depraved lunatics are to blame for Lunar: Dragon Song and Xenosaga 3’s Kevin Winnicot. No, this latter kind of mistake, the bad decision that even a moron should know better than to make, is something I hadn’t seen from Namco in the Tales of series.

That is, until recently, when I finally got around to playing Tales of Eternia, for the Playstation 1 (incorrectly named Tales of Destiny 2 in the USA).

Although Tales of Eternia was recommended to me highly by an old friend some time ago, I’ve found the game extremely middle of the road. Not as boring as Phantasia or Destiny 1, and thankfully not as annoying and dumb as Symphonia, but slightly less interesting than Zestiria, and nowhere near Legendia or the Abyss. The plot overall is okay but unremarkable, and the pacing of the game seems lazy and meandering--which is especially odd since I’m fairly sure, looking at it altogether, that this game is technically much faster and more direct in taking the party through the plot’s necessary steps than most of its peers. But it still somehow feels just as slow and frequently aimless as many RPGs that actually DO take you through pointless padding quests instead of getting to the point. Worst of all, the cast of Tales of Eternia is just nothing to write home about--even the likable characters are appealing solely for their surface personality; there’s no real profoundness to anyone in the game save Farah, and what little depth other characters attempt to capitalize on is handicapped by voice acting that was subpar even by Playstation 1 era standards.

But what’s truly vexing is that this didn’t have to be the case!

See, you know those little character skits that are a beloved staple to the Tales of series? The ones about which I’ve made a rant extolling my appreciation? Tales of Eternia had dozens of them. Just scattered all over the game, voice acted and everything, skits with all the major cast members interacting over a range of subjects, from the main quest on down to food preferences. Tons of little party interaction vignettes that cemented characters’ personalities and quirks, increased the scope of their individual development, and established, explored, and enhanced the party’s interpersonal relationships. A solid quantity of the skits that the series so skillfully uses to gently and enjoyably improve its overall narrative.

And Namco fucking cut them.

Choosing not to give Dhaos any proper motivation or personality until a 2-minute post-mortem conversation during the game’s ending? Someone on the Tales of Phantasia staff clearly didn’t know where else to shove in his villainous history. Tales of Legendia’s Shirley being totally forgiven by everyone even though she’s actually a horrible person? The ToL writers clearly just were paying more attention to what they wanted from Shirley as a character than what they’d actually made of her. Tales of Zestiria’s choice to use Sorey as the protagonist, instead of Alisha or better yet Rose? Someone at Namco didn’t want to disrupt the Tales of tradition of giving the starring role to the least worthwhile, most tedious character in the cast. These are basic mistakes, perhaps even dumb mistakes. But cutting Tales of Eternia’s skits? That’s flat-out, unequivocal head-up-your-ass stupidity.

Let’s start with the most basic reason this was a terrible decision: it’s denying the players more story content, more scenes using characters that the player (hopefully) likes. Cutting the skits from the game means cutting a substantial portion of the entire point of playing an RPG. Story and dialogue are what make an RPG’s hundreds of repetitive, meaningless random encounters bearable. No damn wonder Tales of Eternia frequently felt like such a damn slog to me even when it’s comparatively straightforward as typical RPG plots go: I wasn’t able to access a lot of the content that could have kept me more engaged in it!

Which brings us to the next reason why this was such a boneheaded move: Tales of Eternia isn’t just a lesser game for the skits that are missing. Their absence also is actively harmful to the content that’s left! As I said, the cast for this game is 1 of its sorest disappointments--it is, at best, functional. The party never really feels like a cohesive group of people who have grown into their relationships, most of the characters don’t get enough time to develop, few of them even seem to have any real depth to explore anyway...and honestly, there are times when it almost feels like they just take certain events in stride and move onto the next plot point without giving enough reaction to what has just happened. Playing through the game, I chalked this up to less-than-competent writing, but apparently, the true cause is far less forgivable. Of course the cast is going to come off this way--the audience’s perception is based on only 60% of what was intended to be seen! Skits may be optional as a rule in the Tales of series, but Namco clearly writes with the assumption that you’re watching at least some of them, and thus concentrates less on flavor interactions than plot-moving ones during the dialogue of the game proper. But without the skits, everything else suffers, because you’re less invested in the characters as they deal with the main plot since you’ve never seen their party dynamic crystallize over a few dozen small conversations, never seen Keele behave in any way other than as a sour drip, never seen Meredy endear herself to them all individually, and so on.

And lastly, this was a really stupid move because the removal of Tales of Eternia’s skits basically outright deprives you of several characters in the game. See, the party acquires Greater Craymels, which is what Tales of Eternia stupidly calls its elemental summoned monsters, early in the game, and these master elementals will, on rare plot occasions, appear and/or speak, usually when the party is meeting and attempting to recruit other elementals. Scenes with them are brief and generally focused on the process of acquiring the new Greater Craymels, so by and large, you can really only count these beings as story-progressing entities, just plot points that happen to occasionally talk.

But apparently, a slew of the skits that were removed involve conversations with all the Greater Craymels, either between themselves or with party members. They’re given personalities and quirks of interaction, essentially adding about half a dozen separate characters to the major cast of the game and allowing for much more human nature exploration in the game. Undine even has this whole series of skits in which she reads a bunch of letters posted from several years in the past. So taking out the skits not only harms the characters you know are supposed to be important, but it even more or less removes an entire portion of the cast who had their own personalities and effect on the rest of the cast.

I don’t know why Namco took the skits out of Tales of Eternia. A few people online have said that it was simply because they were too cheap to keep the voice actors on the payroll for long enough to record these extra lines, which seems plausible (and incredibly stupid; no one would’ve complained if they just hadn’t had the skits voice acted at all), but none of those were authoritative sources on the matter. Maybe the reason was something else--some misguided thought that western audiences wouldn’t care for the skits, perhaps, or maybe some of them had content that didn’t line up with how the localization team wanted to portray certain characters (Max, for example, actually seems to say and do things in the skits at times, which sure as hell doesn’t line up with the guy as portrayed in the rest of the translated game, who’s such a lazily-written entity that 1 of his exactly 2 personality traits is saying the word “Yeah”). I can’t say for sure. What I can say is that no matter the reason, be it based on budget, localization, or something else, it was a pure, 100%, no-holds-barred stupid call on Namco’s part. It wasn’t just a poorly reasoned or poorly executed decision, a mistake that led to a momentary negative impact on the product. Whoever chose to have the skits removed from Tales of Eternia when porting it overseas was a moron who substantially lowered the quality of the entire game, irreparably damaging what it was and what it could be to all who played it.

If you’re a Tales of Eternia fan of old, and you’re interested in seeing what you missed out on, there’s a Youtube channel that’s been decent enough to translate the skits and put them up online to enjoy. You can find the playlist here.

* Phantasia, Destiny 1, Eternia, Symphonia, Legendia, the Abyss, and Zestiria.

** Although I will admit, even with the skits, Reid is still a wooden, humdrum meathead. Tales of skits can do a lot, but they can’t fix what’s fundamentally broken and boring.

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Annual Summary 2018

And so we reach that point yet again: the closing of the year, the transitional period between 1 moment and another, moments which we have arbitrarily decided as a species hold some distinct, separating meaning from one another. It is a time of reflection upon what has occurred since our last annual weaning, to look back upon the world’s events and ourselves, and draw some fundamental, summarizing truth from it all, while making a final, emotional bid of farewell to the year and all it has meant for us. And so it is that I say:

Burn in Hell, 2018, you fucking garbage year.

That’s a pretty subjective goodbye, admittedly. 2018 has been a righteous pain in my ass, but on a personal level. RPG-wise, it was, from what I can see, rather unremarkable. We had a few ups (SURPRISE TOBY FOX DEMO...and, uh, I heard Octopath Traveler and Kingdom Come: Deliverance were good) and a few downs (Bethesda slaps its consumers in the face and tells them to like it with Fallout 76, Legrand Legacy landed with all the grace and skill of a wet, sloppy fart at your ballet recital, and I needn’t even go into the Diablo: Immobile debacle), but overall, it’s just been a keep-your-heads-down, go-about-your-business kind of year for RPGs. Well, that’s fine with me, I guess, because 90% of the time I’m just playing catch-up to previous years’ releases anyway. The game I’m most looking forward to playing on my 2019 list was released in the fucking 90s.

For me, in terms of RPGs at least, it was a pretty darned good year. Though the current RPG crop wasn’t especially noteworthy in 2018, the preserves I consumed from previous years’ yields had some definite winners. Also some stinkers, of course, but what can you do? Anyway, the games I played this year were:

Asdivine 4
Borderlands 2
Bravely Default
Bravely Second
Conception 2
Darkblood Chronicles
Etrian Odyssey 1
Excave 1
ICY: Frostbite Edition
Legna Tactica
Legrand Legacy
Nier: Automata
Ring Runner: Flight of the Sages
Romancing Saga 2
South Park: The Stick of Truth
Star Story: The Horizon Escape
SteamWorld Heist
Tales of Eternia
Witch + Hero 3
The Witcher 3

As I’ve tried to do the past few years, I had a nicely varied RPG experience this year...plenty of Indies, of course, which these days are about the only RPGs you can rely on to actually give a shit about providing the audience a quality experience (even if, as Legrand Legacy proves, they sometimes fall short of that aim), but also some big titles of the past few years, too, and, of course, several older titles to round it out. I now can say with some confidence that I understand the Tales of series well, having seen a substantial portion of its offerings all along its history, and in that, I have confirmed what I suspected about it from the very start: as a whole, it’s kinda subpar, even if a couple of its titles were great. Continuing the Romancing Saga series is something I’ve been meaning to do, and Nintendo was kind enough to help that along with a rerelease of the second game for the Switch, and I finally got to finish up the Witcher trilogy, too. And I even dipped into a bunch of franchises I’d never tried before...some of which I’m gonna backpedal the hell away from, because dear sweet Hresvelgr was Conception 2 ever bad.

I could have played more RPGs, of course, but you know me: I do sometimes get up to other stuff, too.
Stuff like Anime: Yuru Yuri is fucking hilarious and I love it, showing my mom Noir reminded me of how good it was (while also reminding me that it’s not perfect; they really love holding shots longer than they should in that show), Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid is alright (but way, way better than it has any right to be), My Hero Academia is the best formulaic shonen anime ever made (but since that only makes it better than stuff like Naruto and Dragonball Z, it’s still low-quality trash), and A Place Further than the Universe is really good.
Stuff like Books: I failed to read as much as I’d told myself I was gonna this year, but I did check out Absent in the Spring (great; 1 of Christie’s best works), Antigone (decent), Brave New World (good), Dandelion Wine (really, really overrated and boring), Death Comes as the End (good), The Illustrated Man (very good), The Man in the Brown Suit (good), Oedipus at Colonus (okay, I guess), Once on a Time (good), and a collection of short stories from the Soviet Union (not as interesting as I’d hoped).
Stuff like Non-RPG Games: Melancholy Republic is good in a few regards but ultimately something you regret playing (more on that might be in a future rant), Metro 2033 is a solid post-apocalyptic setting (and very welcome as an alternative to Fallout 76), The Sad Story of Emmeline Burns was another strong work by Ebi-Hime, and Super Smash Brothers Ultimate...well, expect next year’s list of RPGs I played to be half the size of this year just because of this game alone.
Stuff like Replaying RPGs: I played the rerelease of Radiant Historia. S’okay. I also took Dragon Age 1 out for yet another spin, and I just can’t really explain why--for some reason, every now and then, I just like to experience DA1 over again. I really do love that game, far more than is logical.
Stuff like TV (or whatever we call its equivalent nowadays): my mother and I checked out some classic Doctor Who, from Doctors 1 - 4, and found it to shall I put this without inciting hardcore fans? Overrated. Just not very good. Yeah, I said it. Bite me. I also finally finished watching The Office with my sister--such a great show--and checked out Disenchantment, which is mildly humorous but honestly just not really worth the time, and the second season of American Vandal, which, in spite of my initial misgivings, turned out to be just about as fantastic as the first. Totally check that one out, guys. Also, I kept up to date with Steven Universe, and...actually, I’m way behind on My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, but that is related to all the personal crap that’s been going on this year, odd as that may sound, so I’ll just have to catch up come next year.
Lastly, stuff like having a full-time job, writing rants, and dealing with, as mentioned previously, a buttload of nonsense going on in my own life that I just would like to overall be DONE with now.

Anyway, enough of all that crap. What’s the score with the RPGs I played this year? We’ll let’s see...

RPG Moments of Interest in 2018:

1. It was pretty cool to play Transistor and find out that Supergiant Games isn’t just a 1-hit wonder. In fact, it was even better than Bastion! Can’t wait to get to their third title.

2. Everyone loves The Witcher 3. I am no exception. But make no mistake: it has a flaw. A terrible, horrible flaw that in any other game would be fatal. The Witcher 3

It’s just a damn good thing that no one ever mentions this when they talk about it, or I might very well have just plain not played the damn thing.

3. Every now and then you just have a moment of pure, crystal clarity in a game, a single scene that peels away the layers of varnish on the game and tells you exactly, in no uncertain terms, what its deal really is. And every now and then you have a moment in a game that just leaves you utterly, completely, helplessly agog, the mental and emotional equivalent of being smacked across the face with a dead fish.

Conception 2’s final moments of its true ending--the ending of this harem game masquerading as an RPG in which you get to hook up with all the girls instead of choosing just 1--decides to deliver both kinds of aforementioned moments at the same time. These are the final lines from the game, transcribed as they are, no exaggeration, no summary, no editing. This is an actual quote. These are the actual fucking words this game ends on.

Fuuko (Love Interest 1): Well, Mister Pilot, make sure we get there safely!
Wake (Protagonist): You can trust me with that.
Wake: I have a responsibility to take all of you towards whatever future you wish for.
Wake: So, don't any of you worry...
Wake: And have my children!



4. The Witcher 3’s drunk scene at Kaer Morhen is comedy gold.

5. Darkest, most disturbing fucking moment of the year? It ain’t Tiny Tina’s tea party where she tortures her parent’s killer to death. It ain’t getting slammed by and taken for a ride upon your dad’s titanic balls in South Park: The Stick of Truth. It ain’t watching Yennefer defile the body and spirit of a dead man by reanimating him and then putting him through a painful interrogation, or feeding a starving, cursed werewolf his own flesh that chokes and burns him to death, or any of the other messed up shit that The Witcher 3 pulls.

No. The darkest, most disturbing moment of the year for me? It’s Bravely Default’s sidequest to help a pair of little girls find pretty hairpins for themselves. Holy shit is it fucked up.

6. As some of the titles on my list of completed RPGs may have clued you in, this was the year that I finally put an end to my boycott of SquareEnix. Yeah, I actually did pay for Nier: Automata and the Bravely games. I still have some major grievances with the company, but with the shit that companies like Bioware and EA pull nowadays, not to mention Bethesda’s shameful showing with Fallout 76, and those cow-fucking scam artists The Game Bakers selling games they never bothered to finish...well, it seems silly not to put an end to my complete ban on SquareEnix for committing lesser (although sadly more frequent) transgressions against its audience. A soft end, though, mind you. I’m only getting their games when they’re on a good sale, and only when I have strong reason to believe that they aren’t garbage. So don’t expect me to touch Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts anytime soon without some serious piracy going on.

Thankfully, the end to this boycott has been a highlight of my RPG year--Nier: Automata deserves all its acclaim, and so does Bravely Default. I mean, the company’s still clearly out of its goddamn mind, as evidenced by Final Fantasy 14 and 15 and Kingdom Hearts, a series against which the greatest insult possible is just to explain it...but Nier: Automata and Bravely Default prove that at least someone in that company seems to remember what actually brought it success. And I gotta say, I played Bravely Default just when I really needed it most--I really just had no idea how badly I needed a classic, wholly enjoyable, well-written JRPG this year that reminded me of all the things I loved about this genre in its early days. Bravely Default was like therapy for me; I came out of it just feeling so much better about everything.

7. In addition to “real” RPGs, I also played some more Shadowrun user-generated campaign mods this year, and let me tell you: the Shadowrun: Hong Kong mod Calfree in Chains is damn fine stuff. Like, better than a large majority of the published, major RPGs in existence.

8. Since We’re Not Related It’ll Be Okay Syndrome is still going strong, if Ringabel and Edea in Bravely Second are anything to go by--if you can really count that tepid, halting half-step romance to begin with.

9. This year is not the first time I have played a Christianity-reference-using, Nietzsche-inspired future story starring a female android struggling to understand her existence, an existence which is killing her partner. But it is the first time I’ve played one that had its shit together.

I sincerely hope that the creators of Xenosaga have played Nier: Automata, and that they did so while feeling a truly profound sense of embarrassment.


Best Prequel/Sequel of 2018
Winner: The Witcher 3
In some ways, The Witcher 3 is just towing the line for a series already of high quality. But even if it doesn’t stand out as a huge leap up from its previous game, the way Borderlands 2 does, Geralt’s final adventure definitely deserves to top this list. It’s a great culmination of all the characters we’ve come to know in this series, it makes terrific use of its setting and lore to tell its story...and, most of all, it’s the perfect, logical conclusion that the trilogy was created to drive toward. The Witcher 1 introduced us to the true conflict of the trilogy, that of the inevitable, world-consuming White Frost which slowly but surely covers the cosmos, using its existence as the motivating factor for the game’s villain and in-game conflicts. The Witcher 2 redefined the field and current events of the setting, and reconnected Geralt to his past personality as he regained his memories. So basically, The Witcher 1 sets the Why, and The Witcher 2 sets the What...and they both lead to The Witcher 3’s story in this way, each a complete product in themselves yet ultimately serving best as a preparation for the final installment. By being that final installment and living up to every narrative expectation of the first 2 games, The Witcher 3 defines itself, to me, as the best sequel I played this year.

Runners-Up: Borderlands 2; Shadowrun: Hong Kong: Calfree in Chains Mod; South Park: The Stick of Truth
I’m reasonably sure that Nier: Automata should be on this list, too, but I never did play Nier, nor any of the Drakengards, so this is what we got. The first South Park RPG is a great treat for anyone who’s a fan of the show, containing countless references and appreciations for South Park’s long, lofty, and usually ludicrous history--and more than just a bunch of references, it perfectly embodies a major feel of the show, too, being a blend of absurdity, epic conflict, and just a bunch of kids playing around, where you start having difficulty seeing the borders between each of those perspectives. Borderlands 2 is a fucking great sequel, it really is: it manages to build on everything from the first game, using Borderlands 1’s events, setting, and characters to go forward with its own story, but it does this while actually following through with the quirky, humorous, off-kilter style that the first Borderlands promised, tried hard, but ultimately failed to deliver. Borderlands 2 is essentially the perfect embodiment of what Borderlands wants to be, and while it stands on its own just fine, having a familiarity with the first game gives you a comfortable, even reassuring connection to it that makes the time you spent on Borderlands 1 seem to actually mean something, after all.

Finally...alright, I know I shouldn’t count an unofficial, user-created mod alongside the ranks of real, published games, but frankly, the Calfree in Chains mod for Shadowrun: Hong Kong was 1 of the highlights of my RPG year, and you can see from the list I provided earlier that said year had some heavy hitters on it. And hey, if Bethesda can create a hasty, slipshod game mode mod for Fallout 4 and then have the audacity to pretend it’s a game of its own and sell it for $60...well, why can’t I count a GOOD mod as a complete product? So fuck it, I am giving Calfree in Chains its due, and part of that due is to recognize that it is not only an excellent, engaging, fulfilling story in its own right, but an accomplished and perfectly crafted piece of Shadowrun lore that should be considered canon. It deftly weaves itself into the known facts of Shadowrun’s history regarding the California Free State, and delivers an authentic, thrilling Shadowrun experience that investigates the issues of the series’s world and ties them strongly to real-world conflicts and philosophies. You can’t ask better from cyberpunk than that. Calfree in Chains fits more snugly into the Shadowrun series than quite a few of its established, published pieces of canonical literature do.

Biggest Disappointment of 2018
Loser: Legrand Legacy
It’s always a damn shame to see a game you helped Kickstart come out poorly. But even beyond the fact that it’s ultimately a bad RPG that I myself bear some responsibility for, Legrand Legacy is a disappointment in that there’s a lot about it that’s promising. Its world is a decent one, and a lot of its overall premise likewise had potential. It also captures the unique feel of a large part of the Playstation 1/Playstation 2 RPG era very well, which is a part of gaming history that you don’t see glorified with homages nearly as often as the 8-bit and 16-bit days that preceded it. Too bad the cast’s inability to interact without constant bickering over nothing and a rushed final quarter that eventually just falls flat on its face right at the end wind up being the lasting impressions of Legrand Legacy.

But hey, on the other hand, Legrand Legacy actually DOES bother to have an ending, so it’s still a hell of a step up from last year’s most disappointing RPG. I guess that’s a step in the right direction, yeah?

Almost as Bad: Conception 2; Excave 1; Tales of Eternia
Excave 1’s only real claim to being disappointing is the fact that when you buy a game, you hope that it won’t suck, and Excave 1 does indeed happen to do so. It wasn’t the only boring, passion-less waste I played this year, but I’ve come to expect nothing more from Kemco, so it’s Excave 1 that finds itself here rather than other titles that are equally poor. Meanwhile, Conception 2 kind of looked a bit like a Shin Megami Tensei: Persona game. And while it most definitely is a knockoff of SMTP, Conception 2 sure as hell gets a lot closer to Persona in its visual and gameplay aesthetic than it does with its quality of writing--it’s bad even by the standards of the harem dating sims it’s trying to pretend it’s not.

Tales of Eternia is actually an okay RPG. Well, “okay” might be overstating it a bit, but I wouldn’t call it bad, at least. I’m just disappointed with it because a friend of mine once, many years ago, recommended it to me as being really good, back when I was complaining about the series because of how bland Phantasia and Symphonia were, so I was hoping for something better than ToE ended up being. Although that no doubt has something to do with Namco stupidly removing its skits, which is an aspect of disappointment in its own right.

Best Finale of 2018
Winner: Bravely Default
When the final chapter of Bravely Default begins, things get real epic, real fast, you get hit with some kickass plot twist action regarding The Liar that’s pretty gripping regardless of whether you might have guessed it was coming, and it all comes together in a final battle that’s felt across the multiverse, cleverly incorporating the connection features of the game into the plot in a spectacular fashion that catches you up with it, that finally leads to a solid ending. Damn great conclusion to a fine RPG.

Runners-Up: Nier: Automata; Shadowrun: Hong Kong: Calfree in Chains Mod; The Witcher 3
The final battle for Ciri and her confrontation with her destiny is handled as well as you’d expect and as well as you’d hope from The Witcher 3, and (provided you made the right decisions, of course) you’re left, at the end of it all, with a deep satisfaction at having seen Geralt’s tale through to its end. Similarly, the finale to Nier: Automata is a powerful conclusion of emotion and philosophy that hits you hard, with an ending quite unlike any other in gaming history that puts the game’s existentialism and your own morality to the final, only test--spectacular, intellectually-heady stuff from 1 of the most thoughtful RPGs ever made. And finally, again, I must give the Calfree in Chains mod its due: it culminates in an emotional and thematic tour-de-force that, depending on your choices, can conclude with 1 of the most beautiful, poignant farewell speeches I’ve ever read.

Worst RPG of 2018
Loser: Conception 2
Excave 1 and Crystareino might be far more empty and bland, and Legrand Legacy may be more relentlessly grating on your patience. But Conception 2 is a low-effort, crass cash-in combination of the trashiest qualities of dating sims, the careless lack of sense of Final Fantasy 8, and the cheap fanservice of a Dead or Alive Volleyball title--and that’s a combination that’s damn hard for average old Boring and Annoying to compete with. 1 review for Conception 2 that I read a while back described it as “trashy Persona,” and I’m still unequal to the task of more perfectly describing this soulless, manipulative, base pile of refuse.

Almost as Bad: Crystareino; Excave 1; Legrand Legacy
Crystareino’s just your average Kemco title, really--if RPGs were food, then Kemco would be the nutrient slop dispenser on a Matrix ship. Excave 1 manages to be even worse than that; it’s an RPG with less story presence than Chip’s Challenge--and not nearly so well-designed. As for Legrand Legacy, well, I just recently went into the major problems with that one, so no need to go repeat myself so soon

Most Creative of 2018
Winner: Transistor
How do you describe Transistor? How do you describe its unique style and the creativity of its direction, method, messages, aesthetic, and setting? Simple: you don’t. You just acknowledge that it’s innovative to a delightful extreme, a true entity unto itself, and then tell people to go experience it for themselves.

Go experience Transistor for yourselves.

Runners-Up: Bravely Default; Nier: Automata; Romancing Saga 2
Honestly, this was THE year for creativity. In many years past, several of the games I played this year, like ICY: Frostbite Edition, Borderlands 2, and Darkblood Chronicles, would have been shoe-ins for this category, yet they haven’t even placed this year. That’s how creative the above titles are!

Bravely Default is possibly the truest Final Fantasy game ever created, yet the deeper level upon which its lore and events are built is marvelously interesting and inventive, which makes the game just about the best representation of past games possible, while paradoxically fiercely its own, distinct entity. Meanwhile, Nier: Automata...well, if you’re in any way familiar with Yoko Taro, a real-life mad and tortured genius, then it probably comes as no surprise that NA is almost as much a distinct, inventive entity as it is a philosophical one.

Finally, I gotta say, Romancing Saga 2’s got a hella creative basis, and the level of effort that went into making this SNES RPG as open-ended and event-trigger-complex as it is...well, it’s just staggering, really! Multi-generational stories are uncommon and interesting already, but to make that aspect the fundamental crux of both the story and gameplay, to build it on top of a fairly innovative lore premise, and to unite the storytelling aspects with the gameplay functions to a degree that we still find noteworthy and laudable in current games, and all on the old SNES...well, I gotta just applaud Romancing Saga 2’s creators for what had to be a truly herculean effort of creativity married to programming. Transistor is an outright work of art and it deserves top billing as a creative work, but I’ll be damned if Romancing Saga 2’s creativity doesn’t deserve equal, nay, more respect simply by sheer force of effort.

Best Romance of 2018
Winner: Arelia x Protagonist (Shadowrun: Hong Kong: Calfree in Chains Mod)
Well, official, published, AAA developers, that’s 2 years in a row now that Seberin, a random fan working for no pay on mods, has beaten the pants off you guys at writing an involved, heartfelt, inspiring romance. I would say that means either the love stories that you find in the Calfree Trilogy mods are just that amazing, beautiful connections of affection and passion that make your heart flutter in romantic sympathy, or developers need to seriously step up their game when it comes to writing romances...yes, I would say that, but actually, both are true. Seberin is just that good, and the RPG industry as a whole is just that behind where it should be on this point. At any rate, while all the romantic options of Calfree in Chains are wonderfully written, the connection between Arelia and the protagonist is truly lovely, the kind of thing that just makes you sigh happily to witness.

Runners-Up: Geralt x Triss (The Witcher 3); Geralt x Yennefer (The Witcher 3); Red x Subject Not Found (Transistor)
Well, okay, it’s not like no one can write a good love story anymore, I guess, I just wish quality like these ones was more common in RPGs. As I’ve mentioned, there’re definitely issues with Geralt’s relationship with Yennefer, and arguably more so with Triss, but at the end of the day, whichever you believe is right for him in The Witcher 3, his connection to his beloved sorceress is clear, passionate, and a love you can get behind and believe in. As for Red and the unknown man...theirs is a love that threw a world out of balance, and surpasses the desire to survive of both mortals and even newly-born goddesses. Powerful stuff.

Best Voice Acting of 2018
Winner: Tales of Eternia

Actual Winner: The Witcher 3
Perfect casting down to the smallest NPC. Perfect performances of every line. Iconic vocal work that indelibly defines the protagonist.* And all of this done over the scope of such a tremendously huge, dialogue-filled game. Yeah, The Witcher 3’s pretty damned impressive as a work of voice acting.

Runners-Up: Borderlands 2; South Park: The Stick of Truth; Transistor
I mean, it really shouldn’t be a surprise that the South Park RPG is here--it’s basically just a big, playable installment of a show whose every episode is founded on voice work to begin with. It’s business as usual, basically. And that business is very competently done. Borderlands 2 is a game whose storytelling is done almost entirely through voice-overs narrating the action and the interactions of the game’s NPCs, so it’s damned important that it have a talented cast of voice actors who are natural fits to their roles and can bring their characters alive--and that’s exactly the case. I want to give a handshake to the guy who does Handsome Jack for being an essential component to an amazing villain...and a throat lozenge to the poor bastard who plays Mr. Torgue. I hope to Ziusudra that guy ain’t a method actor, because if he is, I’m pretty sure he swallowed battery acid for the role.

As for Transistor...well, it’s like Borderlands, a game whose storytelling relies almost entirely upon narration, but in this one, it’s mostly by 1 guy. And when that’s the case, that guy has got to be an incredible vocal talent. Luckily for Supergiant Games, they’ve got Logan Cunningham in their corner, a man with a voice so talented and flexible that it makes me think impure and adulterous thoughts even though I’ve been in a happy relationship with the vocal chords of Keith David for years now. Frankly, if I weren’t impressed with the scope of The Witcher 3’s voice acting’s consistent excellence across the board, Transistor would’ve been the top this year for its superior quality.

Funniest of 2018
Winner: Borderlands 2
Flippant, appealingly irreverent, genuinely clever, outgoingly unique, and with a finger on the pulse of gaming and its audience, Borderlands 2 is as funny as it is fun, and it knows exactly how and when to sprinkle in some darker moments and depth of character to give the prevailing humor an even greater draw. There are admittedly times when it misses the mark (most of the DLCs feel forced), but overall, Borderlands 2 is sure to elicit 1 chuckle after another from you.

Runners-Up: Bravely Second; Ring Runner: Flight of the Sages; South Park: The Stick of Truth
I didn’t know what I expected, exactly, from a sci-fi combat flight sim RPG involving spiritual bending of the universe, but a wise-cracking AI sidekick with an insatiable hunger for peanut butter cups, turret rights activist groups, and homicidally aggressive salesmanship of Dvorak keyboards were not it. While there’s a decent story to be had out of Ring Runner: Flight of the Sages, it’s the game’s peculiar brand of askew humor that keeps you engaged with it and flying from galaxy to galaxy, ready to see the next oddball set of circumstances you’ll encounter.

As for the South Park RPG, well, I mean, it’s South Park, of course it’s gonna be a rather funny game. That’s the whole point; it’d be quite the failure if it didn’t make it to this list. And lastly, I gotta say, whoever decided to give Bravely Second such a markedly lighter tone was damned smart. Bravely Default was clearly the sort of perfect coming together of varied virtues that’s never gonna be replicated to anyone’s satisfaction, so going in a new direction by making its sequel just a step short of a humor RPG, filled with puns and enjoyable interpersonal antics, was a great call. This way, it stands very clearly as its own entity, maybe not quite as good as the first, but fun and enjoyable in a different way that draws the audience in with guffaws and giggles well enough that we don’t even think to complain that it’s not quite up to what we had expected.

Best Villain of 2018:
Winner: Handsome Jack (Borderlands 2)
Damn. Just...what a terrific villain personality Borderlands 2 gave us with Handsome Jack. You know how the best version of the Joker is a villain who you laugh at and enjoy seeing, even though you understand how utterly despicable he truly is? Handsome Jack is that, but better. That’s right, I’m saying it: in 1 way, at least, Handsome Jack is a better villain than the motherfuckin’ JOKER. Because there are times when you have to remind yourself that the Joker is a horrifyingly bad human being as he delights you with his clever quips and antics. Handsome Jack? You’ll be chuckling at his banter and evil ways, and you’ll be doing it often, but at no time will you forget that he’s a hateful asshole and a true monster. Handsome Jack is a perfect and utterly unique character, charismatic to an extreme and yet genuinely dislikable on a personal level for the player. The fact that he has some depth and demonstrable passion just makes him all the better as a say nothing of the atrocities he commits with careless playfulness! Yeah, this guy’s the best villain of this year, and 1 of the best I’ve seen in some time. I can’t wait to play Borderlands: The Presequel; I hear there’s stuff there that further develops his backstory and motives.

Runners-Up: Gaunter O’Dymm (The Witcher 3); N2 (Nier: Automata); The Liar (Bravely Default)
Honestly? Good year for bad guys. Damn good year. N2’s the kind of overarching mastermind that fits perfectly into the existential ponderings of Nier: Automata, and provides us with all the more insights into humanity and meaning, the perfect god-role antagonist for such a game.** The Liar of Bravely Default...I can say nothing about, save that the Liar really smacks your emotional attachment right in the nuts. I mean, honestly, months later, I’m still a little bothered about it--that’s how good the Liar is as a villain, how lasting the effect. Lastly, you just gotta love Gaunter O’Dymm. Short of Shin Megami Tensei, no RPG I’ve played has so perfectly portrayed a representation of the devil as Gaunter does, and even then, SMT’s take on Lucifer is not so much better as it is simply a differently accurate depiction, decidedly more biblical, while Gaunter’s is much more like the devil of legends and folklore. He’s got the presence, he’s got the style and the methods, and he’s got the symbolism: Gaunter O’Dymm is a terrific stand-in for the devil, and he makes an impact on the player.

Best Character of 2018
Winner: Edea (Bravely Default + Second)
Edea Lee’s just a solid character whose development believably and naturally lead her to her place in the world, and she’s got a striking and incredibly appealing attitude and personality all the way through. It’s hard not to love Edea on a personal level, and the story of her learning to stand for her principles even in the face of learning that the revered people who taught her those principles lack the conviction to follow them themselves, and in the face of having to stand against the people and country that she loves in order to do what’s right, is a well-crafted one. The same is true of her role in the second game, a story of a more subtle testing of her morals and determination, as she fits herself to the mantle of world leader that she soon must wear. Edea is just great, plain and simple.

Runners-Up: Arelia (Shadowrun: Hong Kong Calfree in Chains Mod); Geralt (The Witcher 3); Subject Not Found (Transistor)
Every party member in Seberin’s mod is good, and tied to the thematic question of violence vs. pacifism, but I think that Arelia is the one with the most depth as a character, the greatest connection to the theme, and the most to offer in terms of emotional connection and engaging personality. Regarding Subject Not Found: as I said before, when the huge majority of your storytelling relies upon a single character’s narration, that character has to have some fantastic voice acting--but he also has to be an interesting, very well-written one, too, and Transistor’s narrator is definitely that. Lastly, Geralt...well, he’s Geralt. Casual, straightforward, even basic, yet insightful, subtle, containing inner demons and angels as great as any man’s, Geralt is a great protagonist and a solid character, as iconic a hero of his franchise as Shepard is of Mass Effect.

Best RPG of 2018
Winner: Nier: Automata
What’s there to say, really? Yoko Taro wanted to make existential art using video games as his medium, and in Nier: Automata, he happened to actually get appropriate, widespread acclaim for it. Nier: Automata has been called by some the most philosophical video game created. I do think that the people who say that either are exaggerating somewhat, or simply haven’t been playing enough thoughtful RPGs...but it’s definitely up there at the top, that’s undeniable.

There have been quite a few RPGs that have in 1 way or another tackled the question of what gives existence meaning, such as Star Ocean 3, Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3, Planescape: Torment, and so on (SMT: Persona Q is a personal favorite of mine on the subject), but each of them has generally been tackling the subject on their own, with the intent of telling a story by itself and for itself. They’re serious about making you think and conveying a message, but they’re not serious about finding and exploring new ground of the question of our existence. Nier: Automata, on the other hand, uses its story as an excuse to penetrate existentialism and attempt to find new perspectives upon it and ourselves. The game intentionally references and builds upon the ideas and works of great philosophers who have explored this cornerstone of higher thinking, both arguing with and lauding the esteemed and recognized minds that came before it, while using the mechanics and expectations of the video game medium to illustrate and explore existentialism’s concepts and conflicts. Nier: Automata is, in my opinion, the newest great work of existential philosophy, worthy of standing amidst the classics that it directly references.

And hey, it’s also a very good RPG in its own sake, telling an interesting, exciting, and meaningful tale with creative, shocking twists, populated with memorable characters and told with singular aesthetics. Every way you look at it, Nier: Automata is golden.

Runners-Up: Shadowrun: Hong Kong: Calfree in Chains Mod; Transistor; The Witcher 3
Yeah, that’s right. All the RPGs I played this year, made by so many experienced developers, written by so many professionals, produced by companies with so many resources...and 1 of the best experiences I had was a mod created by a single fan in his free time. You want to know a secret about Calfree in Chains? C’mere and I’ll whisper it to you.

I’m glad I played Nier: Automata, because if I hadn’t, this unofficial fan mod would have been the best RPG I played in 2018.

Moving on: Is The Witcher 3 overrated? Hell yes. It’s the new Final Fantasy 7 in that regard. But also like FF7, just because it isn’t the second coming of Christ in video game form, that doesn’t mean it’s not a truly excellent product. It’s an epic, complex, and thoroughly enjoyable game with an engaging plot that feels like the natural, meaningful conclusion to the trilogy that it’s meant to be, a terrific protagonist and strong supporting cast, and a hell of a lot of heart. I don’t agree with the prevailing opinion of so many players that it’s the greatest RPG made--hell, it isn’t even the greatest RPG of its year; Undertale beats the pants off it--but I can certainly understand why those players came to the conclusion.

Transistor is ferociously artful, an excellent reminder that even over 30 years into this medium of expression, we’re still discovering the incredible potential video games have to tell stories in ways unlike anything else. Transistor’s got a lot to say and to ponder over, and although its greatest focus seems to be on its beautiful and unique world’s look and sound, it sure as hell doesn’t skimp on its story of love, choice, obsession, and stagnation. Truly great stuff--I had high expectations of Supergiant Games after Bastion, and they met and exceeded them. I look forward to playing Pyre.

List Changes:
Greatest RPGs: Shadowrun: Hong Kong: Calfree in Chains Mod has been added as a third (and final) Honorable Mention. Additionally, Nier: Automata has been added; Mass Effect 2 has been removed. Sorry, you superb sci-fi sequel that souped up and strengthened the series’s singular setting.
Stupidest Weapons: Serina’s Figure Skating Mecha-Pegleg has been added; Keyblades have been removed. Congrats, you ungainly, unwieldy, unbalanced, unintelligent union of axe and sword.
Also, I was gonna add Handsome Jack to the Greatest Villains list, but I think I’ll actually just update the list as a whole and re-post it sometime in the coming year.

Aaaaaand that closes the book on 2018. I may have hated it on a personal level, but I do admit, in terms of RPGs, any year I can add not just 1, but 2 games to my list of the best RPGs ever made has to be considered a pretty good one. As ever, I give the greatest of thanks for my sister and my friend Ecclesiastes for all the help they provide to me year-round in making these rants significantly less sucky than they could be, and, of course, to my patrons, who are just aces. And finally, I naturally thank you, the readers who patiently put up with my nonsense thrice a month, for your continued validation of my online existence. Much gratitude to ya, and happy holidays! I’ll see you again in 2019!

* I know that Henry Cavill’s a good actor (even if he’s squandered on DC’s miserable failure of a cinematic universe), and Netflix is usually pretty good at making shows, but...I just don’t see it ever seeming right. Apologies to Heath Ledger, but Mark Hamill will always be the Joker, apologies to Erin Fitzgerald, but Tracey Rooney will always be Chie, and apologies to Mr. Cavill, but Doug Cockle will always be Geralt of Rivia.

** Also, unrelated, but I feel like N2 is what the Architect from the second Matrix movie would look like if he were done well. Much in the way that Nier: Automata as a game is to Xenosaga, N2 is almost like a “what could have been” with the Architect, and the Matrix sequels overall.