Chrono Trigger

Have you noticed that my rants just keep getting longer and longer, on average? I have. I wonder if it annoys you as much as it annoys me.

Anyways!

Chrono Trigger is, to me, The RPG. The now and forever. I had enjoyed RPGs up until I played CT, but this game is the one that got me obsessively hooked on the genre for life. In many ways it’s the standard against which I measure the worth of all RPGs. In many ways it’s forever my favorite game. It took somewhere around a decade before I played a better RPG than Chrono Trigger (it was Suikoden 2), and it was only with the greatest reluctance that I admitted to myself that the game could be surpassed.

But WHY was it so good? What parts of it were so good? What made CT such an experience? These are questions I’ve considered for a while. It’s hard, after all, to separate true value from the value our nostalgia and childhood impressions give to the things we loved in our youth. It’s also difficult to extract and organize all the good qualities of a game which blended so expertly so many different positive aspects. But after some contemplation, and the occasional moronic accusation from individuals with poor taste that CT wasn’t actually very good and it’s just nostalgia-goggles that make me think it was, I think I’m about ready to really explain just why Chrono Trigger is such a great RPG.

This one is for you, Trippy.


Time Travel

I think I’ve said this before, but when you use it effectively, time travel makes for a really cool storytelling device in an RPG. Sadly it’s NOT always used effectively, and you can easily get games where it’s almost irrelevant to the storytelling process (Star Ocean 1, Dark Cloud 2), where it comes out of the blue and doesn’t seem to mesh very well with the rest of it (Final Fantasy 9, Valkyrie Profile 2), and games where it’s tossed carelessly around and makes no damn sense (Robotrek, Final Fantasy 8). But when it’s done well, time travel really allows for some great potential in storytelling. For example, The Magic of Scheherazade and The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask both have some pretty neat ideas using the concept, and Radiant Historia’s plot based on time travel is, simply put, great.

Chrono Trigger does time travel well. Quite well. I’m not going to say it explores the potential of time travel as well as Radiant Historia does, and of course it raises the idea of paradoxes like most time travel stories must, but overall, the hops between past, present, and future in CT are interesting, and allow for a creative story that not only shows an adventure across time to save a world’s future, combining robots and dinosaurs, medieval knights and high-tech sorcery, but also shows the history of a planet, which by itself becomes fairly interesting once you start seeing its forgotten ages and historical misconceptions. And the time travel is always present--going from one period to the next is a frequent necessity, as tracking down the best way and time to save the world of Chrono Trigger is a clue-driven hunt across the ages. There’s never a time you forget you’re time-traveling in this game, which, VERY strangely to me, is often a problem with time-travel RPGs--Star Ocean 1 and Tales of Phantasia, as examples, are games where the long stretches of gameplay in a single time period makes you forget that the characters aren’t supposed to be in this time period to begin with.

In addition, when you got to a new time period, the game really sells it, which, also surprisingly to me, doesn’t always happen with games using time travel. Tales of Phantasia’s events, for example, occur in the past, present, and future of a single world, but you’d barely know the difference between one time period and the next if the plot didn’t tell you. What’s the point of having one’s characters go to different periods in their world’s history if those periods are all highly similar? With Chrono Trigger, you go to the past, you KNOW you’re in a very different time, because there’s dinosaurs and cave people running through the jungle. You go from there to a different period in the past, and the frozen planet with a sky-based magical empire hovering over it tells you that you ain’t in Kansas any more. And the future? Few post-apocalyptic futures I’ve seen are quite as...well, post-apocalyptic as Chrono Trigger’s. You see the post apocalypse of a lot of movies, shows, games, etc, and, well, things look bad, yeah. The world’s been socked a good one. But you walk around in 2300 AD of Chrono Trigger, and you see a world that has been ruined.

I’d like to also note that the game’s handling of time travel in this is somewhat unique as it’s hard to determine where it’s grounded--science, magic, or the spiritual? Machines like the Gate Key and the Epoch are used to open the holes in time, making it science fiction, and yet, the time gates seem to be a result of incredibly powerful magics having reactions so powerful that time’s fabric is torn, as shown by the first gate appearing from a reaction to the magic pendant, or Lavos’s powerful presence causing the one at Magus’s summoning ceremony. And yet! There is a deliberate sprinkling of the spiritual in there, as well--the CT party theorizes one evening that the true origin of these time portals comes from a regretful deity-like Entity, looking back in sorrow at the world’s history, and through its regret causing the time gates that allow for history to be changed for the better. Sounds like hogwash, I suppose, but then the theory is born out to a certain extent by the inexplicable, single-use gate that takes Lucca back to the moment of her life she regrets the most, giving her an opportunity to put it right--time travel by sheer will of the spirit, it seems, or perhaps the mercy of this Entity, which is still spiritual. And the time freeze performed to save Crono, arguably the most important act of time-warping in the entire game, seems as rooted in spirit (requiring the intense desire of his friends to return him to life) as it is in magic (requiring a magically-created clone)* or science (the Chrono Trigger device itself). Chrono Trigger has a level of ambiguity to its time travel’s basis, which is fairly unique, and quite interesting.

TL;DR Version: Chrono Trigger’s use of time travel was really cool.


The Plot

Ultimately, Chrono Trigger’s plot is somewhat conventional: the smaller, personal events of the main characters eventually rope them into a quest to save the world from a huge, super powerful enemy. At its foundation, it’s not incredibly different or creative.

But you know, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: it’s all in the execution. There’s nothing wrong with a conventional idea if you execute it really well. And like I always do when I say this, I bring up the example of Grandia 2, the top game on my Best RPGs list. Grandia 2 is a game built on plot cliches and driven by cliche character archetypes, but it’s amazingly deep, engaging, and invokes tremendous emotional response, because its writers take common ideas, and use them with extraordinary skill to tell a story that blows your socks off.

And the same is true (though not as strongly) with Chrono Trigger. The characters are engaging, the plot twists are often very unexpected (more on that below), and the creative way the game’s conventional goals are pursued keeps you engrossed in it. The accidental way Crono and company find out about the main bad guy Lavos, the ways they try to get rid of Lavos to avoid direct confrontation with him, the way the characters and time periods are subtly linked as the adventure continues, finding a hidden, forgotten chapter in the planet’s history when a magical empire ruled the world and seeing its fall...there’s excitement and surprise all the way through. CT’s plot is simple, but it’s complex, and it’s standard, but unique.


The Cast

One of the most memorable parts of Chrono Trigger is its collection of characters, and there’s good reason for this--or rather, a few good reasons for this. Some games’ casts are very visually diverse and colorful, but ultimately have very few noteworthy traits or very little dedicated character development to set one character apart from the next. I noted that The Magic of Scheherazade, despite its many other good traits, suffered from this problem, and there are many other RPGs that also do, most notably Chrono Trigger’s own sequel, Chrono Cross.

That’s definitely not the case with CT, though. The characters’ personalities and development are as individualized as their physical appearances. The main characters are often tied very strongly to the events of the plot, allowing the story itself to develop the cast members. There are comparatively few parts of the game where the plot’s course and events do not have strong personal importance to at least one character, and this cohesion between the most important elements of RPG storytelling keeps the characters in focus, as they should be, and makes the plot seem constantly relevant to the cast, which is also important. Too often, RPG plots go through long stretches (sometimes almost the length of the entire game) without really involving the game’s characters past minimal necessity, and as a result you don’t feel as strong a connection to those characters, because their characterization only occurs at short moments, ones that are often more aside from the story than a part of it. Not so with Chrono Trigger, not by a long shot.

The game also takes enough time to go for character development in the small ways, too, which, I’ve found, can be just as important for establishing and endearing a character to the player as the major parts of that character’s development. What I mean by this is that Chrono Trigger has the individuals in the party interact with plot-important conversations (and even sometimes a few unimportant NPC text boxes) and react to events as they happen. This is a fairly common thing in RPGs, of course, but CT did it a little better than the norm, I think, really getting their cast involved with what was going on. And more importantly, when it was time for party members to speak, the characters themselves spoke--the text for the character would be tailored to suit that character’s personality and beliefs. When it was time for a party member to weigh in on something, it wasn’t just a single reaction/line of dialogue that wouldn’t really change regardless of who spoke it, like the later Chrono Cross and its stupid translation system would do, it was THAT person’s reaction to the situation. Even for the many occasions that called for uniform reaction (such as the entire party expressing surprise at something), each character still expresses the thought in their own words. It’s a small thing, I know, but y’know, it may be the major things that develop a character the most in a game, but it’s often the small stuff that really tell you who the character is, and make them memorable to you. For example, the Tales of the Abyss cast would be half as fleshed out and memorable without the constant conversation skits the game provides--those little, optional, and seemingly unimportant talks did wonders to solidify the characters in the player’s mind. Same thing here. And while this idea wasn’t unknown to RPGs by any means by Chrono Trigger’s time, CT still did more with it than was the norm, and thus provided their characters with constant growth and personality confirmation.

And hey, I might want to mention that these characters that were developed so well are, indeed, good and likeable characters. Lucca plays the Team Scientist and Protagonist’s BFF roles remarkably well--she’s obviously very into the scientific aspects of all they do, and does all the requisite sciencing-around (making new devices, explaining some of the weird shit going on, etc), but never falls into the trap that so many other RPG Team Scientists do of being TOO obsessive about it (example: Lexis in the unspeakably horrible Lufia: Curse of the Sinistrals remake)--it’s not the ONLY thing going on with her, she’s not just about the one thing. And even better, Lucca very believably portrays a female best friend to Chrono, hitting on a perfect mix of deep affection and intimate familiarity without ever giving the impression of romantic interest (I feel that’s a major problem with characters in stories who are best friends of opposite genders--it always seems like writers feel there HAS to be underlying romantic tensions between them or something). And I like Lucca’s down-to-Earth attitude; she comes off as a very normal person overall, someone you can imagine having as a friend yourself. Marle is surprising to me for how non-annoying she is--she’s basically the Team Cheerleader and Rambunctious Princess, but while she clearly provides moral support for her teammates and yells about not wanting to be defined by her princess-ness, she’s never actually been annoying to me, though those roles usually bug me a little bit. But while Marle’s cheerful and simple, she’s not vapid or brainless, and her pure, good, and helpful nature is actually something of a motivating force for the team. When the team learns of the impending destruction of their world, it’s Marle who, after collapsing from the sheer horror of the situation, first recovers, picks herself up, and proclaims that they need to stop it, to save their world--she even beats protagonist Crono to the punch there. As much as any physical effort the party makes, it’s Marle’s unyielding energy, morality, and faith that a situation can be bettered that gets the party through its journey. Frog is noble and tragic, and seeing him grow past his history is great. And Robo’s search for purpose, and finding it in his friends, is great, as well (though I do think they could have done more with him on that). I suppose Ayla, Crono, and Magus are the low points in the cast--Ayla’s and Magus’s character development are comparatively short and not incredibly compelling, and Crono’s a Silent Protagonist (man do I hate those). But Ayla and Magus are certainly not bad characters, and between Ayla’s amusing comic relief and Magus’s coolness (he’s basically the original RPG badass), they’ve got plenty of appeal. And I have to admit, Crono’s just expressive enough in his actions and reactions that his silence isn’t all that bad, and doesn’t actually detract from the storytelling process.

I will admit, once you get past the main cast, the characters of Chrono Trigger aren’t as interesting. Oh, sure, there are plenty of decent NPCs related to the plot, such as Cyrus, the Gurus, and Schala, but overall, you don’t encounter many that make any strong impact. They mostly just do what they need to for the story and main characters, and that’s it. But when you have a strong set of main characters, as Chrono Trigger does, I suppose that’s really all you NEED NPCs to do. It’s great when you can get a really compelling non-party character, like, say, Joker from the Mass Effect series, or Irving from Wild Arms 2, but as long as the main cast is pulling its weight, nothing will seem noticeably missing, so CT is fine.

As far as villains go, Chrono Trigger is interesting because it’s lacking, but it knows this and takes steps to fix this. The main villain of CT is Lavos, who is only ever encountered a couple times in the entire game, and is an RPG Giant Apocalyptic Monster villain, so there’s no character depth or ability to reflect and through that reflection develop the protagonist with Lavos. In addition, a villain’s rarely having an actual physical presence usually means that a plot is going to suffer from it. The game solves this by having each major arc of the story have a smaller villain whose machinations involve the party and player strongly enough that Lavos’s absence goes unnoticed as we’re caught up with current events. But at the same time, Lavos is never forgotten (which would be just as bad as his presence being missed, since it would lessen his overall dramatic power), as the need to oppose each smaller villain always has its relevance to ultimately stopping Lavos explained. In addition, each of these smaller villains of importance (Magus, Azala, and Zeal--there are others, but they’re more side villains and lackeys, and aren’t really the head of any major story arcs) winds up having significant relevance to Lavos and the role Lavos plays in the course of the planet’s history. This way, Lavos can stay out of the limelight, but is never absent.

I’d also like to note that as a villain, Lavos is about as interesting as he reasonably could be. Big, catastrophe-style villain monsters in RPGs aren’t usually afforded an opportunity for character development (and if Grandia 3’s lame main villain was any indication, maybe they shouldn’t be), but Lavos is, at least, pretty unique. I already went over what I like about Lavos in my Greatest Villains List, so I’ll just let you check that out if you’re interested in the details, and paraphrase here--Lavos is a city-sized alien planet-parasite that seems to feed on the forces of evolution over the course of millions of years which eventually (perhaps at a point where evolution seems to be slowing down without outside influence?) surfaces and rains destruction on the planet. Can’t tell me that’s not fairly cool and unique.


Music

Chrono Trigger’s soundtrack is absolutely fantastic, twice over. The first way it’s great is, of course, obvious. It sounds terrific! There are many wonderful tunes in Chrono Trigger that are just great to listen to. The song that plays when battling Magus is a terrific tune for an epic struggle. The world map music for 1000 AD is lovely, quiet and sweet. And the music associated with forest areas? I’ve heard few more hauntingly beautiful backgrounds.

The other way, and perhaps more important way, that CT’s soundtrack is great is how well it works with the game to set a mood, to portray through sound the feeling of events and places. Of course most RPG music is meant first and foremost to set the mood of the situations and dungeons and such that it plays for, and I’d actually say that most of it succeeds in adequately doing this. But CT’s music is a step above. The desolate music that plays on the world map of the post-apocalyptic 2300 AD is perfect for setting the tone of a ruined world. The simple, throbbing rhythms of locations in the prehistoric age convey the primitive energy of a simple, savage world where humankind is only just beginning its forays into culture (not to mention that the simplistic nature of the music rather neatly reflects the idea of a time before there really would be anything more to music than just that). And then there’s the sinister, quiet background of Magus’s castle which, more than anything else there, gives the dark fortress an epically creepy personality. Chrono Trigger’s music will, more often than not, do more than its part to communicate the atmosphere and emotion of each place and scene of the adventure, and give the game real personality.


Presentation

I really enjoy the general presentation Chrono Trigger gives. In general, the game has a lot of energy and zeal to it, with action, excitement, and a can-do attitude to its cast that carry you along and keep you interested. But at the same time, it doesn’t lack for a quieter side, a darker side, a spiritual side, and an emotional side. The world after Lavos’s day of destruction, the events of the Ocean Palace, they throw a strongly sobering effect into the mix, just as the personal issues of the cast, the plight of Scala, and the effort to save Crono integrate poignant feeling into the narrative. The talk of the Entity and the magnitude of Crono’s resurrection add the touch of the spiritual to the mix, as does the Game Over Ending’s somber final message, telling us that, despite the best efforts of the game’s heroes, “the future refused to change,” which serves to remind the player of what a monumental and grand task this truly is--a quest to change destiny itself. There’s little more to say here, really--CT is a very enjoyable mix of the bright energy of adventure and the soft layers of drama, and few games feel as natural in their own skin as this one. If that makes any sense.


Plot Twists

There were some surprisingly good and original plot twists and unexpected occurrences in Chrono Trigger. I find that the twists of CT’s story can seem to come out of nowhere, but rarely feel like they’re being forced, which is a problem with a lot of story twists I’ve seen--it often seems like the writer/writers is/are trying too hard to surprise in games, shows, movies, books, and so on. With CT, it’s unexpected, but natural.

Take the trial, for instance. Now, I have to say, I don’t think ANY player expected Crono to be arrested and put on trial when he brought Princess Nadia back to her home after their initial time-travel adventure at the beginning of the game. The mindset of RPGs in regards to returning lost royalty, politicians, and other important persons to their home is a lot like the mindset of returning a book to the library--walk in, give it over to the nearest person of authority, and that’s done with. Hell, if an RPG castle set up an after-hours Princess Return Slot over to the side of the main gates, I’m pretty sure most adventurers wouldn’t think twice about just dumping their rescued damsels in it and taking off. But in Chrono Trigger, the guy bringing the recently vanished princess back is actually detained, and required to prove that he didn’t kidnap her to begin with. Totally unexpected in an RPG, but it feels natural, because, hey, it’s kind of similar to how that sort of scenario would actually go down. There SHOULDN’T be a no-consequences drop-off of missing royalty, and there SHOULD be some suspicion cast on the guy who just happened to stroll in unannounced with her days after she’s vanished. Granted it all gets a little out of control for Crono after that, but that’s beside the point. It’s a cool twist.

The more important plot points tend to also have some pretty great twists. For example, who can forget the shock of first seeing the Kingdom of Zeal? Out of nowhere, the game throws the party headfirst into a secret era of their planet’s history when there was a highly advanced magical civilization. It comes out of nowhere! Now let’s face it, Ancient Advanced Civilizations are about as common in RPGs as, say, swords, but how many of them are as surprising as Zeal? I mean, every other time an RPG has ancient cultures that tie relevantly into the plot, those things are completely out in the open and well-established as being a huge part of the planet’s history and the story of the game’s current events. With Zeal, though, the game has, to my recollection, only ONCE ever referenced it before, and that was just a casual, cryptic, vague reference by Spekkio that a long while back everyone had magical powers. This entire age of magical advanced super-society is a complete blank spot in the world’s history, and that, to me, is one hell of a twist. And again, it’s a logic-supported plot twist, as the fall of Zeal that the main party witnesses explains why this piece of history, though a hugely essential part of the past and relating greatly to Lavos, is unknown in any time period in the future. It’s not just a twist for the hell of it, it fits in with everything else.

And oh, yeah, how about that plot twist where the main character dies? There’s an idea that I don’t think many people saw coming. Not a whole lot of games try that one, and even if they did, I doubt they could maintain narrative cohesion and make it seem as natural as CT does.

So yeah. In the end, Chrono Trigger has a heck of a lot of plot twists that are fresh, unique, and unexpected, even 20 years of game storytelling later, and its writers had the skill and instinct to make the twists fit into the plot and seem natural.


The Minor Details

It’s of lesser importance, but I’d nonetheless like to note that the more trivial aspects of Chrono Trigger are solid, as well. The battle system is simple but effective, and I daresay a little less non-fun than most of its turn-based peers. The graphics, for the time, were very impressive, and even if they’re as dated as any other 16-bit game, it’s still quite easy to see and understand everything you need to from the visuals--far more so than with most other RPGs of the era, for that matter. And the special effects are pretty decent, all things considered--there are a lot of different spells and attacks in the game, and they’re often impressively flashy considering how simplistic they are. Lastly, the controls are generally smooth--not Nintendo-level, but more than functional.


Innovative Quirks

The creativity and skill behind Chrono Trigger really shows in its many quirks. The most obvious of these innovations, of course, regard the endings and replay value. While variations in endings were not a completely new concept by Chrono Trigger’s time, CT was, I’m pretty sure, the first RPG to have several clearly defined endings, and it was definitely the first to have a bunch of extra alternate endings ranging from jokes to alternate realities, which could be seen by beating the final boss at various different points in the game. That’s a heck of a neat little feature right there, particularly when one of the special extra endings has the player meet the game’s developers. Another related major innovative quirk was the New Game+ feature. I did a whole rant about what a good idea it was, so that’s another major point in its favor there.

But even beyond the big instances of RPG innovation that Chrono Trigger featured, the little details still make it a fun and unique ride. Moments like the trial, where your seemingly innocent actions in the beginning of the game can suddenly come back to haunt you (an RPG where there are repercussions for just taking an NPC’s lunch right before his eyes? Madness!), or what I can only assume is the first ever Game Over Ending, a sequence that actually plays out if you lose to the final boss that’s extensive and dramatic enough that it’s practically an ending in itself. And speaking of that, the presence of a Bad Ending (the one that plays if you beat the game without resurrecting Crono) is worth mentioning, too. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the first Bad Ending in RPG history--Breath of Fire 1, I remember, had a lesser ending, as well--but it certainly was impressive. There’s more emotion and player impact in CT’s Bad Ending than there is in the best possible ending of the vast majority of RPGs I’ve played!

And also, I really liked the moment in CT where the game actually provides an explanation for why party size is limited to 3 characters, instead of allowing for every character to participate in the adventure at the same time. I mean, come on, how cool is that, really? How many other RPGs even try to give a story-related reason for the seemingly arbitrary limit on party size? A few of them sometimes try a stalling explanation, but that usually falls through sooner or later (example: Final Fantasy 6--once you’ve got more than 4 characters in the party, the game attempts at first to explain that you need to split forces so that there’s at least a couple people guarding Narshe while your party’s running around on adventures, but eventually, once the party gains an airship HQ, the game just stops trying to explain why only 4 of them ever leave it at the same time). With Chrono Trigger, not only is it addressed (any more than 3 people going through a time portal at once will be sent to The End of Time instead of their destination--yes, I know that’s kind of a weak “Because...Magic!” explanation, but at least it’s THERE), but it’s actually worked into the course of the game’s events--the entire reason the party gains access to The End of Time and meets Gaspar (who is plot-relevant later) is because it tried to go forward with too many individuals at once. Yeah, I know it’s a very small thing, but that’s just it--it’s the little details and quirks throughout a game that really show when the game’s developers have gone the extra mile to provide a great product. The innovation in Chrono Trigger is constant, and it proves that the game’s great not just when it needs to be, but through and through.


So there you have it. In the end, Chrono Trigger succeeds wonderfully in every important category, and it introduced countless ideas, big and small, to the RPG genre, and with each one did so with streamlined skill that even today is rarely duplicated, let alone surpassed. This is the sort of game that stays with you for good, that wins your heart with its skill and imagination.














* Well, you can say that it might not be magically created, but the game does note that its creator is a magician, so it seems reasonable to assume magic has something to do with it.

Mass Effect 3's Diana Allers

I do love Mass Effect 3, so long as we pretend that the ending doesn’t exist. The game’s frankly pretty awesome, and filled to the brim with extremely epic and emotional moments. From start to...well, from start to 10-minutes-from-finish, it’s almost everything I could have wanted.

That said, the game has a number of flaws. The ramifications of certain major player choices from previous games aren’t represented as well as they should be (the Rachni Queen and how much use Cerberus got from the Collectors’ base, for example). There should have been more dedicated dialogues with squadmates on the Normandy. The photoshopped Tali picture thing. The marginal roles for half the major characters of ME2. The fact that, despite its amazing execution, the plot is, at its foundations, very weak (more on that in a later rant). A couple of the characters kind of suck (Ashley, James).

Probably the most disappointing for me is how poorly the love interests and romance subplots are handled--none of them get enough time and focus, several of them are bizarre (Liara doesn’t seem to remember whether or not she’s involved with Shepard early in the game, and Ashley fails to believably mix the “I totally love you Shepard” element with the “I’m incapable of believing you’re not Cerberus’s pawn, Shepard” angle that comprises the entirety of her lousy character development), and many of them are almost entirely ignored/forgotten (basically, if you romanced any ME2 character). But while the bad usage of romantic subplots is the thing most disappointing to me, it’s not the thing most ANNOYING to me. No, that would be Diana Allers.

Ye lords, Diana Allers. Where to begin with this repugnant character, who would be on my Most Annoying Characters list but for the fact that she’s sort of optional and plays a very minor part. I guess ultimately what is intolerably repugnant about this character is her voice acting. This is, in all seriousness, the very worst vocal performance I have ever heard in an RPG.

Think about that for a minute. Think about all the RPGs I’ve played (over 200 at this point). RPGs from the Playstation 1 era, when voice acting in video games was just starting and was notoriously terrible. RPGs from SquareEnix, who are very often a generation behind the curve in terms of voice acting. RPGs that used family and friends of the game’s staff for vocals rather than actual actors. RPGs where more or less the entirety of the voice work was grunts, gasps, and “Hey, listen!” The voice acting for Diana Allers is at the bottom of all of that.

It’s almost impossible to describe what’s wrong with it. The expression and inflection of every sentence is entirely off. The overall tone is amazingly terrible--it’s some kind of ungodly vocal chimera, a beast comprised of bored monotone, smug self-satisfaction, awkwardly forced mimicry of human emotion, and an inability to sound like part of a conversation instead of someone ponderously reading lines from a cue card. Words cannot do this voice work justice, so here, listen to this*:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_007p1z6w_o

Scary part? That’s one of her better scenes.

Of course, the fact that the rest of ME3’s vocal work generally ranges from Good to Totally Awesome doesn’t really help this problem, as the terrible vocal performance for Diana Allers is just made that much more apparent when you compare it to the ones put in for Anderson, or The Illusive Man, or Zaeed, or Thane, or Mordin, or Aria, or Kasumi, or Jack, or Wrex, or just about anyone, including NPCs. Even the actresses for Liara and Female Shepard, with the former having sounded for 3 games like she’s said every line while talking in her sleep and the latter having sounded for 3 games like she’s just got home after a 16 hour shift waiting tables at a family restaurant, are leaps and bounds above this. Every time Diana Allers says a line, my desire that I could shove her out an airlock, which is already pretty high just from looking at her, grows.

And yeah, that does bring us to the next part: looking at her. While not nearly so caustic to one’s senses as her unambitious script-reciting, the visual design of Diana Allers is...Jesus, it’s just awful. I’m usually one to take visual character designs with a grain of salt. I agree that female characters in RPGs are often horribly dressed for immoral and sexist reasons (and I’ve done a rant on the subject previously), but typically when I look at them as I play I ignore that aspect so I can concentrate on my perspective of them as a character. I think Tifa from Final Fantasy 7 is the best character in the game, not because of her idiotic outfit or ridiculous breast size, but for her dialogue, actions, background, and development through the game’s story.** But even I have trouble looking at Allers and not immediately wanting to send a mail bomb to Bioware headquarters. I mean, there’s ridiculous RPG female character exploitation, there’s ridiculous comic book female character exploitation, and then there’s THIS. What the hell is she wearing? She’s supposed to be a news show journalist. In what realm of imagination, even crazy sci-fi future fashion land, would she look appropriately dressed to host a news program? Especially when her program is supposed to be doing this huge, incredibly important field reporting of the famous Commander Shepard’s work during the biggest war the galaxy’s ever seen? If you can manage not to gag at her voice acting for long enough to learn anything about her character, you’ll pick up on the idea that Diana Allers is supposed to be a character who takes her journalism very seriously and wants to give the impression of professionalism and respect. You know what might help her just a little with that, Bioware? A FUCKING BRA.

My sole consolation with Bioware’s sexist attempt to pander here is that they failed by overdoing it. I mean, I can’t speak for anyone else (although, if what I’ve seen of the players who post on the Bioware forums is any indication, I do), but when I look at this character, my first thought isn’t “sexy.” It’s “mobile STD factory.”

A tiny additional annoyance with Diana Allers: the fact that her character isn’t even necessary to play the role she fills. While I do think that an on-ship reporter is a good idea for ME3 (one which should have had more use, for that matter; Allers only ever makes a couple of reports) and provides potential for further character development for Shepard and general plot exploration, Allers didn’t need to be the one doing it. The Mass Effect games already had an NPC reporter who had personally worked with Commander Shepard before, Emily Wong, whose personality and investigative focus would have fit the role of onboard reporter absolutely perfectly. We don’t even SEE her in ME3 (apparently Bioware wanted to kill her off-screen, for reasons unknown but probably having to do with writing incompetence), but we do get this irritation? What a lot of crap.

Actually, there’s ANOTHER Mass Effect series reporter that could have come onboard instead of Diana Allers, Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani. Granted, she’s an exceptionally annoying jerk herself, but at least with HER you actually are given the option to punch her in the face when she gets irritating. The chance to clock Diana is tragically never presented to the player.*** And even if that option were not present, she’d still be far preferable to Allers.

I should also note that the character of Diana Allers is pretty bland and empty, too. What little characterization we get for her (not that I’m complaining about less dialogue for her) boils down to, in its entirety, the fact that she’s a reporter and wants to report on things. Near the game’s end she has a momentary, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it bit of trite, unconvincing character development when her colony is, apparently, destroyed offscreen, but 30 seconds of terrible voice acting and a bland email message later, it’s like it never happened. So it’s not like I’m allowing the presentation of the character to cause me to overlook her worth as a character, or anything. She has none.

So yeah, we’ve got a visual fanservice machine with no depth and the vocal talent of a soggy donut hole who didn’t need to exist at all. That already qualifies Diana Allers as the second most painfully annoying and clearly half-assed aspect of Mass Effect 3.**** What could possibly make her worse?

The answer to that question is learning the background to the character, as I have. You see, Diana Allers is voiced by none other than Jessica Chobot. For those of you who don’t know who that is (I certainly didn’t until ME3), Ms. Chobot is a journalist for IGN, their star player. Jessica Chobot’s fame, it seems, doesn’t really come from her journalistic work, which isn’t that surprising, I suppose, considering that we’re talking about IGN, the Fox News of game journalism. She’s recognized by gamers more because apparently there was this one time she licked a Playstation Portable in a sexy way. Naturally, the ability to get to first base with a portable video game console made her an ideal choice for a role in Bioware’s eyes, as opposed to any other candidate who might, at some point, have actually learned to voice act.

So yeah. This incredibly dislikable character we’re saddled with isn’t even a poor artistic decision gone terribly wrong, like a regularly annoying character would be, or like Bioware would like to convince us the ending was (instead of just the franchise-disrespecting hack job it actually was). This is a fanservice gimmick, designed to boost Chobot’s career (apparently she hasn’t thought of necking with a 3DS yet, or being a reporter for a real journalism outfit) and surprise and titillate the subhuman gaming masses who actually pay attention to IGN.

I suspect the gimmick was also intended to give IGN a little extra incentive to give Mass Effect 3 a good review score, just in case EA’s bribe money wasn’t enough to buy them off, but that is, of course, nothing but speculation. Logical, sensible speculation describing an abundantly obvious reality.

I should clarify that I don’t really mean to attack Chobot personally on this...sort of. I mean, I do own up to attacking her above for A, making her name by sexist fanservice, and B, being on the IGN staff. But I don’t blame her for taking the job of voicing Diana Allers, nor for how bad her performance as such was. If someone from Bioware asked me to voice a character for a Mass Effect game, there’d be only one word passing my lips in response, and it wouldn’t be “no.” They wouldn’t have to pay me for it, even; just the idea of being a ME character would give me shivers of fanboy delight. And I’m sure that I, having no background whatsoever in voice acting or even just regular acting, would probably not do all that great a job, either. I’ve too much pride to imagine I’d have done as badly as Chobot, but doubtless my character would still be a low point in the game’s vocals. Point is, it isn’t HER fault she got tapped for this, and it mostly isn’t her fault she was so lousy at it.

The fault lies with the game’s creators. Their decision to force this meaningless fanservice into a game where it’s not appropriate. Their decision to make Diana Allers look like a Jersey Shore escapee for no good reason. Their decision to create this character instead of using a fan favorite NPC already available. Their decision not to devote any time or effort into making her into a good character. And their decision, after hearing Chobot’s recordings, to go forward with the idea, instead of doing a retake and coaching Ms. Chobot enough to get her to turn in a decent performance, or going with an actual voice actor. Bioware’s decision, Bioware’s fault, Bioware’s shame.

And, as I played the game, MY headache.










* I’d say “spoilers” here, but let’s face it, no one will ever see this normally--and if you DO ever make the choices during Mass Effect 3 that lead to a romance scene with Diana Allers, you are far too contemptible to warn, anyway.

** This works with the opposite gender, too. I don’t hold it against, for example, Kongol of Legend of Dragoon just because he’s wearing nothing but boots, belts, and a loincloth affixed with a giant skull over his junk. I still like his character, and think he had a lot of wasted potential. It’s just not as often a problem for male characters.

*** Bioware, if you’re looking for a quick DLC that people will pay for in droves, THIS IS IT. I predict that the “Shove Allers Out the Airlock” DLC package will break record sales.

**** First place being the ending. You know. Just in case you haven’t picked up on that from my constant harping on it for the last 5 months. I can’t help it. It’s atrocious.

Golden Sun 3's Former Heroes' Aging

So! You’ve got an intellectual property about magical world-saving that was at least moderately successful. You like money, and you want to make more of it. What’re you gonna do? Make a sequel, of course! But the last part of your series was released a good few years ago, and its story was seemingly fully concluded. How do you continue the series in a way that stays true to its origins so you can use the events and characters of your world to their fullest, but also in a fresh, new direction to draw the attention of a new audience?

Why, make the new story all about the children of the original story’s heroes, of course!

Yes, in Golden Sun 3, Nintendo makes the bold decision to follow in the footsteps of adolescent fanfiction writers and Disney direct-to-video sequels, and fills the roles of Protagonist and most of the major cast with the children of the main characters of Golden Sun 1 and 2. I could criticize this for being a pretty standard and cheap way to go about things, but I’m not really going to harp on it, for a couple reasons. First, this trope is, though certainly not foreign to the genre, actually a lot less common in RPG sequels than one could reasonably expect. Second, the entire primary cast of GS1 and 2 are all very bland and unremarkable characters anyway, so if a sequel’s gonna offer me a chance for a re-roll on character personalities, I’m all for it.* So normally, I’d just let this one pass, no need for a rant.

Except that this game does something with this lazy plot direction that nothing else does. In an astounding show of creativity and stupidity, GS3’s writers actually went out of their way to invalidate the entire premise of the Heroes’ Kids Take Over World Saving idea they went with. I was gonna give them a free pass on it, and they went and screwed it up. See, the reason from a writing perspective for starring the kids of the previous heroes I have gone into, but there’s really only one surface reason for passing the hero mantle on to the next generation: the previous generation is too old/too dead to keep up the do-gooding themselves. If the kids are going to be allowed to do the world-saving thing, the parents must be incapable of doing so themselves or else they, as the experienced warriors and ones presumably burdened with an instinctual need to keep their offspring safe, would be out vanquishing bad guys themselves.

Well, the heroes of Golden Sun 1 and 2 are not dead. And they haven’t all been captured or put into magical comas or anything. So the natural reason for them all to be minor side characters instead of the game’s stars is obvious, right? They’re too old now. GS3 takes place 30 years after GS1 and 2, after all, meaning these guys’d be in their mid-40s. In RPG terms, that’s 15 - 20 years too old (and at the same time 20 years too young; once you hit your mid-60s you become viable to fill the spot of Tough As Nails Geezer on a team) to be out adventuring. So no problem, right? Those strong, capable, sleek, experienced fighters of the past are now just a bunch of doughy, slovenly middle-aged chumps, right?

Yeah, not so much. See, according to Golden Sun 3, heroes of the previous games--all 8 of them--have barely aged at all since the end of Golden Sun 2, due to being at ground zero of the magical world-changing end event of GS2. This is a fact that the game takes care to mention more than once, and it’s obvious from looking at Isaac and Garret at the beginning of GS3, as they look like they’re in their late 20s, at oldest. And since you get to see them in action early in the game, while at the same time watch them try to teach their stupid kids the basics about battles and adventuring and such, you can’t even say that they’re too out of practice.

What in the world is Nintendo thinking here? If the heroes of the previous games are concretely established to be still physically fit and knowledgeable enough to be the ones leading the game’s adventure, then what the heck is the point of making the kids take over? Wouldn’t it make even a little more sense for at least a couple of all-powerful parents to join their kids in these world-saving ventures? At the very least, Isaac and Garret could have split forces at the beginning of the game, have one stay put to keep up their all-important plot business and have the other take a jaunt with some of the kids over to the next region or whatever to get the replacement glider machine thingy. That seems a lot more sensible than both parents just sending their sons off to do the errand alone and unsupervised, especially after all the concern the parents had about the kids’ ability to overcome the relatively minor ordeals that the game opens with. Maybe when Golden Sun 4 comes out and continues the story we’ll see the kids and hero parents team up, since the younger generation will then have some experience, but as it stands now, Golden Sun 3’s decision to clearly show the previous generation’s heroes as being more than physically fit to take up adventuring again is puzzling.













* Not that it did much good. Aside from Sveta, GS3’s characters are just as uninteresting as their predecessors, and even Sveta’s only barely noteworthy.

General RPGs' AMVs 5

I reckon y'all know the deal by now with these Anime Music Video rants. Watch these, and if you like'em, then vote'em up or leave a comment expressing your approval, because they often don't have enough recognition. Enjoy.



FALLOUT

Fallout Series: Never Again, by Joylock: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bi1vUUflQos
The music used is Never Again, by Disturbed. Joylock is not a new name around this rant blog; twice before I've put up his Fallout AMVs in these General RPG AMV rants, and I also did a rant exclusively devoted to another of them. As far as Fallout AMVs go, everything he touches seems golden. This one, like all his others, impresses its audience not only by following the ideas, tone, and lyrics of the music with its visual component, but by analyzing the symbolic nature of the Fallout series, its spirit, expressing the nature of the games rather than just their surface elements. In fact, and it bruises my pride a bit to say this, I think Joylock may actually even be better than me at analyzing the depth of the Fallout series, because this entire AMV's premise focuses on an aspect of the series that I hadn't fully realized was there--the fact that the main antagonistic force of every major game to date (so long as you count Caesar's Legion in Fallout: New Vegas, which you honestly should, because they're utterly evil dickholes) has always been motivated by a need to, in one way or another, completely exterminate individual, cultural, and/or social diversity. That's a recurring element of the series that I hadn't even considered prior to this AMV, and considering that the series is all about portraying and examining American culture, a culture and country that has traditionally been a champion of individualism and self-determination, it's a very cool little pocket of symbolic depth to discover and mull over! At any rate, this AMV effectively showcases this recurring struggle against forced assimilation throughout the Fallout series both through the music (a song about standing against Nazis and all who would emulate them) and by using the Fallout editing programs for Fallout 3 and Fallout: New Vegas to recreate the cast and struggles of Fallout 1 and 2, letting the struggle the AMV shows be well-represented for all the games in which it occurred. The only real problems I have with this video are that Caesar's speech in the beginning is too quiet compared to the ones preceding it, Fallout 2's president doesn't get his speech added in with the other games' antagonists even though I'm pretty sure it had several appropriate lines, and the fact that too much of the video just consists of slow-motion scenes of 2 opposing forces fighting each other at point-blank range. Were it not for these flaws, I probably would have taken this AMV and done a full rant about it. Nevertheless, it's still VERY good.


FINAL FANTASY

Final Fantasy 8: Headlock, by ScaythedByNight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8aAl10n5Pg
The music used is Headlock, by Imogen Heap. There's not a lot to say about this one, really, it's just overall a significantly well-structured AMV. The scenes sync up well with the lyrics often enough, and most often coordinate quite well with the music itself, which is important with Headlock, since the song's strength lies almost entirely with the tune. This AMV causes me to once again be surprised at the way a good music video can make a lousy game seem so much better through the eyes of the AMV. This is just an overall good, solid video.

Final Fantasy 8: My Immortal, by xxFantasyDreamerxx: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkqFlrDmweE
The music used is My Immortal, by Evanescence. Oh for God's sake. I don't believe this. I figured last rant's Rinoa x Squall Celine Dion thing would be a one-time thing, but...sigh. Here we are, another FF8 AMV about Squall and Rinoa. Trust me, no one is more disappointed and angry with me than I am. But what can I do? This AMV is...it's just really good, alright? I hate FF8, I utterly abhor Rinoa and Squall, and the love story between them is so sickeningly meaningless, spontaneous, and dumb that it actually makes the game's plot look sensible by comparison, but...I can't deny that this AMV uses its song and video clips very effectively to paint the game and especially these 2 in a positive light. Just watch it and see for yourself; it's a solid piece of work.

Final Fantasy 10: Tidus's Story, by T0mb0ner: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_Y4rUSp3AM
The music used is Crawling in the Dark, by Hoobastank, a strong contender in any contest for Worst Band Names Ever. At times this AMV goes a little overboard with overlapping scenes on top of each other, but overall, everything syncs together very well, and is very enjoyable to watch.


THE LEGEND OF ZELDA

The Legend of Zelda Series: Kick Your A, by klab0010: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xa5j4aiDLTQ
The music used is Kick Your A, an Overclocked Remix by SGX for the game Beatmania 2DX 7th Style. This AMV is interesting in that it uses a fan-made remix for a video game as its music. It works well, though. This AMV's got some problems--there're some visual glitches here and there, and there are times when all the visual editing just gets convoluted and confusing. Nonetheless, it manages to live up to the cool and somewhat epic feel of the music it uses well, showing off The Legend of Zelda series in an engaging tribute.

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword: Breath, by SpeikobraRote: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=td2P84yqiI8
The music used is Breath, by Breaking Benjamin. For being built on a ridiculous and stupid idea (romantically pairing Link and Ghirahim), this is...surprisingly good. I’ve seen literally hundreds of AMVs devoted to fan pairings, and given their usual level of terrible quality, I wouldn’t have thought one with a couple this absurd would do well (hell, romantic pairing AMVs rarely work when using a game’s ACTUAL coupling choices), but this one’s solid. The lyrics often coordinate well with what’s shown on the screen, the feel of the music works very well with the video component, and the relationship aspect of the AMV isn’t overplayed or shoved in your face--and it’s about as realistic as it can be, too, grounding itself well in animosity and antagonism. Have to admit it, this is a solid product.

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword: Promise of a Lifetime, by 00peachy00: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVnAUvQL458
The song used is Promise of a Lifetime, by Kutless. This one’s a bit silly and sappy at times (not to mention it’s supporting a pairing only a little less odd than the AMV above), but overall, it’s pretty decent, coordinating the feel and events of the video well to the lyrics and tone of the song. It’s rather short and doesn’t use the entire song, but it’s cut well enough that this isn’t particularly noticeable. Not bad, not bad at all.


MASS EFFECT

Mass Effect 2: Tali Tribute, by Vendo233: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYewN3PWS8c
The music used is Time, from the Inception soundtrack. For some reason or another, Mass Effect 2 spawned few traditional AMVs, but a veritable horde of tribute videos, which in this case are basically background music playing over lines of dialogue and scenes which emphasize some character, quality, or emotional theme of the game. I've listed a few of these before here (in fact, one entry was a link to an individual's entire Youtube channel, who had made a good dozen or 2 of the things that were almost all quite good), and here's another notably worthwhile one. The use of dialogue by and referring to Tali, the selection of scenes, and the coordination with the Inception music is done really well here. I admit that this Inception track can make practically anything seem really great, but I nonetheless think this video takes good advantage of its tune and matches scenes and dialogue to its melody very well. Overall, this is a great portrayal of Tali, showing her character, her relationship with Shepard, and her identity as a member of her people. Check it out.


MY LITTLE PONY

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic: Ponysona 3, by loljailbait: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeXawdTRogs
The music used is Burn My Dread, from the Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 soundtrack. Okay, so...yeah. I covered my reasons for including a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic AMV in my RPG AMV list the last time I did this, so really, just go back there for the justification. Given how scarily industrious bronies are, I guess that it was a foregone conclusion that after someone made the Ponysona 4 AMV I showed you last time, someone was going to give the same treatment to SMT: Persona 3. Really, I should just copy-paste everything I said last time about Ponysona 4, because it's all pretty much exactly the same--this AMV is accurate to every detail of SMTP3's opening, clever and appropriate in its use of the My Little Pony elements, and basically just a completely perfect blend of the 2 extremely different elements of Ponies and Persona. The creator of this AMV has even helpfully made another video that shows both the AMV and the original SMTP3 opening running at the same time, which is great, because does my job for me in convincing you of just how exact and appropriate everything in this AMV is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wP1hI2ZxNGs&feature=channel_video_title . Suffice to say, someone really did everything they could to make this an enjoyable crossover, and I think they succeeded very well.


SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI

Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3: Deathbed, by ellyros: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbSlzYjACXw
The music used is Deathbed, by Relient K. Under normal circumstances, I'm not sure this AMV would get on this list--it's decent, but there's plenty of times during its length where the video just seems like filler, and isn't really connected to the song at all. I'm not saying it's a foregone conclusion that it wouldn't be on here, but I'd have to think about it. But, look at the length of this AMV. You aren't reading that wrong--this video is over 10 minutes long, and it's not from filler content or anything. This song actually takes about that long, and this AMV follows it through to its end. Quite frankly, the idea that there's actually 10 minutes' worth of FMV footage to use from SMTP3 is surprising to me to begin with (well, I guess there isn't, since some of the video is game footage, but that's just a small part, and feels more like the maker's personal aesthetic choice than anything), and the fact that this AMV manages to competently use the game's footage to connect to and tell the story of this song for so long is rather impressive. I mean, like I said, it's not perfect and there are plenty of parts where the connection kind of fizzles, but the meshing of visual and audio here works more often than it doesn't, and with a length like this, that still means that this video spends more time being a good combination of the game and the song than most AMVs do that are perfectly connected from start to finish.

Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 + 4: Personal Over, by AXISPW: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1J-ufP73g0
The music used is Sunday Lover, by Guano Apes. Not an amazing AMV, but a pretty good one. The visual effects used are sometimes a little much, but are overall employed effectively, and mixed well with the visuals that the games provide. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that this does much to link the lyrics to the game footage all that much, but the general sound and flow of the song’s meshed pretty well with the video, and overall the end result is a pleasantly decent AMV.

Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4: The Fool Calling, by ChaosKnight241: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vToDFE61zn8
The music used is The World Calling, by There for Tomorrow. The start of this is pretty darned cool with the TV and all, really grabs your attention, and the quality of the AMV is good enough to keep it. This one uses clips from both the game and the recently begun anime remake, and connects well with the song's overall tone and feeling. It also connects quite well to the lyrics at times, too, and it ends well, going back to the TV effect it opened with. Good stuff.


THE WORLD ENDS WITH YOU

The World Ends with You: Angel with a Shotgun, by DispatchedCrewStudio: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kgF6H4qTiM
The music used is Angel with a Shotgun, by The Cab. I continue to be impressed with fans’ ability to make AMVs out of this game’s effective yet limited semi-video footage. This is a pretty awesome AMV, making great use out of the song and video, meshing the two in their tones and changes, coordinating well with the lyrics, effectively telling a story through the AMV, and even doing a good job with using scans of a TWEwY comic of some sort (I assume a fan comic, but I don’t really know) and vocals from the game. My one complaint is that its conclusion seems strange and unnecessarily fangirlish/fanboyish (becoming a Neku x Joshua pairing video relying too much on the comic scans), but other than that, this AMV is really good.

Mass Effect 3's Ending 2

EDIT 12/29/12: I have since revised my opinion of the new Extended Cut ending of ME3. While I still hold true nearly everything I say below, I no longer can say that I think that the ending is, even incompletely, saved. The fact of the matter is that anyone who plays a Paragon Shepard--and let's face it, Renegade Shepard is fun and all, but Paragon is the only real Shepard--is forced by the ending to either invalidate the beliefs that Shepard holds true and sticks by no matter what, or lose. Control is a violation of one of the most important and powerful themes of the entire Mass Effect series, the danger of advancing your technology beyond what your species is mentally ready for, not to mention the hazard of playing with power beyond your ken. The series shows us that this is a bad thing through the history of the Krogan, the corruption of The Illusive Man, and the simple fact that the entire Reaper trap depends on sentient organics using the technologies the Reapers leave behind and thus developing their sciences along the paths the Reapers want--Sovereign himself says this. Synthesis is everything Control is, and worse, as it violates the right of every individual in the galaxy to make decisions for their own body, and depends on the utterly absurd reassurance that everyone in the universe is "ready" for a melding of organic and synthetic life (proven wrong multiple times over with all the anti-Geth prejudice seen many times from many people in the series). Refuse stays true to Shepard's principles, but ends in failure. Finally, Destroy requires the sacrifice of an entire species of life (and a personal friend of Shepard's) to occur, and it's shown many, many times in Mass Effect to be against Shepard's code to sacrifice the innocent to achieve his ends. Whether the Geth and EDI would consent to this sacrifice is irrelevant--they're not informed of it, not given the option to do so, and so the sacrifice is unacceptable to a Paragon Shepard. So, since anyone who looks at Shepard as a hero cannot win the game without destroying that very heroism, I conclude that the Extended Cut does not, in fact, save ME3. It's a vast improvement over what Bioware gave us originally, but it is not enough to make the ending minimally acceptable.

Anyway, for what it's worth, the actual rant is still below.



Well, 2 days ago it happened. Bioware released the Extended Cut, a free DLC package for Mass Effect 3 that modified the ending of the game to pacify the rage of the vast majority of its fanbase whose reactions were measurable. I, like so many others, spoke about why I hated the game’s ending so passionately, a rant which you can find here fairly easily. And as I did when Fallout 3’s ending was amended, I’m here today to pay penance for my words.

Or am I?

Well, maybe I am, and maybe I’m not. Let’s look at my complaints and see if Bioware actually has earned my apology (not to mention my future business). Let’s list’em out and see how the new ending material does. I’m going to assume that you read the rant on ME3’s ending’s problems, so here I’m not going to explain out the problems I wrote about in that rant, just restate them and consider whether they were addressed.

Additionally, the following basically assumes the best possible scenario of each ending (AKA, that the player has a high enough EMS rating at the game’s end to access the best version of the ending).

And because I’m tired of doing so, I’m just going to stop referring to Shepard as he/she here. My Shepard is a guy, and it makes slightly more sense for him to be (see another previous rant). You want a female Shepard, that’s fine, I’m happy you like inferior vocal work, but the inconvenience of writing it out all the time is annoying me, so you’ll just have to deal with my preferences for my rant.

And finally, as last time, major spoiler alert here. Should be obvious, really, but...


The Small Stuff

- Shepard Dies
Well, this hasn’t really changed all that much. Shepard’s death remains the same in the Synthesis ending. His consciousness DOES live on in the new version of the Control ending, which is actually not so bad, I suppose, but I’m not sure I can really count it, because...well, living on as the Reapers isn’t exactly the living I think most of us would have wanted for Shepard. I was kinda thinking more along the lines of him settling down with his love interest, retiring to the beach Garrus spoke of, meeting Jacob and Kasumi and several other friends for victory drinks, leading reconstruction efforts, and so on. And the Destroy option’s ending has the same thing as before, just the stupid second of Shepard breathing--the only difference is that his crew seems to have some idea that he’s not dead in that one, as the game doesn’t actually show them putting Shepard’s name on the memorial plaque. But there’s nothing more substantial there than before. So in the end, this issue has been made very, very slightly better, but not enough that it’s solved.

- Shepard’s Destroy Ending “Death” Doesn’t Make Sense
Unaddressed. No more information is given than before to explain why the Reaper-destroying energy will also target Shepard as a potential synthetic being.

- The Catalyst Hologram Kid Feels Out of the Game’s Context
The extra options for explanation of the situation with the Catalyst helps a little to make it seem less random, but ultimately, this entire thing still feels like it’s from a completely different science fiction story. The Catalyst, the truth of the Reapers, the choices offered, it all still feels like someone very ineptly attempting to force some Isaac Asimov into their Star Wars.

- The Normandy’s Escape
Completely and adequately addressed now. Admiral Hackett gives the order for them to pull out, the Normandy’s not the only ship escaping, and it can leave the planet it lands on, so if Destroy Ending Shepard does live and all, he can potentially reunite with his crew. Why Hackett orders a retreat right then is somewhat questionable, I guess, but not so much that it’s a plot hole, so this one is fixed.

About time something was.

- Magic Green Space Energy Makes No Goddamn Sense
Yeah, the Synthesis ending still is silly and stupid. Oh, the new ending content adds an extra line or 2 and a visual trying to give it some meaning, but it fails, and the whole thing still makes absolutely no sense and is entirely unbelievable still.

- Synthesis is a Dick Move on Shepard’s Part
This is sort of better now and sort of not. Shepard is still intimately violating an entire universe of life by forcefully changing their bodies without their consent or foreknowledge. The line of dialogue the Catalyst says about organic life being ready for it now should be disregarded as meaningless tripe, as we’ve not seen any indication that the people of the Mass Effect universe are any more intellectually enlightened than people of our own time, and thus we can quite safely assume that a huge number of people in the ME universe would NOT want to be an inexplicable mix of organic and synthetic since a huge number of people from our own reality would not want it. I wouldn’t even buy that “ready for it” explanation if we were using an intellectually enlightened future culture like how humanity is portrayed in Star Trek, and that’s not the case with the populace of Mass Effect.

On the other hand, the new ending content makes it very clear that the people of the galaxy do benefit from the Synthesis ending option, using the accumulated culture and knowledge of all cycles’ species to usher in a new golden age of the galaxy. Everyone seems plenty pleased about it from what we can see. So...I don’t know. I guess I have to let this one go now. I still think it’s wrong to have one person make a decision like this without the consent of the people affected forever, but the smiling, happy pictures and words afterwards say it was good, so...guess Bioware successfully sidestepped this one.


Alright, so we’ve had a few improvements to the minor issues here, but most of them are still as problematic as ever. But hey, these ARE the minor problems. So long as all the big stuff’s taken care of, this is easily forgiven.

But WERE the major issues addressed?


Serious Problems

- Incorrect Colors Associated with Control and Destroy
Yeah, this one wasn’t fixed at all. I really don’t care how nice and happy everything with Control is in the end. You don’t associate the option the villain, The Illusive Man, chooses with the color symbolic of virtue in Mass Effect. And you don’t associate the option chosen by Anderson, the perpetually heroic supporter of Shepard, with the color symbolic of being a Machiavellian jerkwad in Mass Effect. I understand that the Control ending is now shown to actually, really be a good and safe option, but you know what? It’s STILL what the Illusive Man would have chosen, it STILL correlates with previous choices in the ME series given the red Renegade color, IT STILL SHOULD BE RED.

- The Destroy Ending, Which Regardless of Color is Most in Accordance with Paragon Principles, Kills EDI and the Geth
Well...the Destroy ending still is said to kill EDI and the Geth. That hasn’t changed. What has changed is that now, thanks to the Extended Cut’s content showing what happens after Shepard’s choice is made, we can see that the Control ending really ends up being a viable option for a Paragon player. We’re given solid evidence that it works as intended, and that everyone benefits from Shepard’s control of the Reapers, without having to resort to ridiculous, idiotic Synthesis Space Magic* OR killing the Geth and EDI. So, since I think Paragon players now have a halfway viable ending alternative to the Destroy ending, I’ll let this one go.

- EDI and the Geth Prove the Catalyst Wrong
Bioware TRIES to address this with the new content. They come up with this cockamamie explanation that the evolution of organic culture and synthetic consciousness inevitably leads them to conflict as those paths clash with one another. It’s one of the more ridiculous piles of rubbish I’ve heard in my time, and while it attempts to engulf the actions and personalities of EDI and the Geth in its explanation, ultimately it still fails to address the fact that for all intents and purposes, the peace between the Geth and the Quarians, and the strong emotional attachment EDI feels toward her crew, Joker in particular, proves that peaceful coexistence between synthetic and organic life is possible. Is it possible that conflict will arise at a later date between them? Certainly, but then, that’s a possibility between ALL thinking, free-willed peoples, now isn’t it? The important thing is that EDI and the Geth prove that peace IS possible, and so long as it is a possibility, the Catalyst’s belief that conflict between organics and synthetics is inevitable and permanent is, simply and emphatically, WRONG.

- The Cast and Events of the Game Are Not Adequately Depicted
This one is mostly addressed. I mean, a lot of the major war assets gathered during the game still aren’t properly depicted (STILL we see NOTHING of the Rachni, for example), but there is a bit more to the ending content now that does show scenes of the major characters of the series, and some of the major races and their battle against the Reapers, as well as how things go (at least a little) for several of the major characters of the series. Could’ve been a lot more and a lot better, but it’s there now, at least This one’s taken care of.

- Beating Saren was Pointless
Well, I suppose on the technical level, this one actually was subtly addressed. The Catalyst does make a comment that he’d tried previously to merge synthetic and organic life, but it never worked out, and was now an option only because of the Crucible and Shepard’s presence. I suppose this means that even if Saren’s dream of doing so had been something the Reapers would be down for (and it’s always been implied that it was just their way of dangling a carrot in front of his indoctrinated nose), they couldn’t have until now anyway, so defeating him was still necessary. From a thematic point of view, though, this is still just as big a problem as ever. If Shepard chooses Synthesis, it’s still basically saying that Saren’s belief, goal, and dream, at least, were acceptable and apparently, in Shepard’s opinion, right. Which still makes resisting Saren in the first game pointless. This one’s still a problem.

- Synthesis Doesn’t Actually Solve the Catalyst’s Problem
Still completely unaddressed. Unless the Green Space Magic also turns every atom of metal in the galaxy part organic, there’s still nothing to stop the new organic-synthetic hybrid life from creating fully synthetic life all over again, and to stop that life from going down the developmental path that the Catalyst says leads to conflict.


Uh...okay...a couple of the major flaws with the ending are fixed now...but most of the ones I listed above are still open, festering wounds in the game’s story. Not good. Still...we haven’t gotten to the biggest problems yet. Even with as many problems remain in the ending that I’ve listed, they only make it a bad ending, not an intolerable, godawful mess. If the following issues, the biggest ones, are solved by the new ending content, I can at least accept ME3’s endings, tolerate them, even though they’re bad. Let’s move on to the most important stuff.


Inspire Nigh-Universal Disappointment and Rage Problems

- The Ending Goes Against Everything Shepard Stands For
Mostly addressed. Unfortunately, Shepard does not argue properly against the Catalyst (he should have mentioned a lot of the stuff you’ve read above), but he at least is asking questions now, at least is able to argue a little with the Catalyst thanks to the new content. And more importantly, a fourth option was added: the option to refuse the Catalyst’s choices. Shepard can refuse to take the options presented by the Catalyst (or even attempt to shoot him), insisting that he and the races of the galaxy will fight the Catalyst on their own terms, and if necessary, die free rather than compromise. Sadly, this WILL be the doom of all the current major intelligent species of the galaxy--but the important thing is that there’s at least the option for Shepard to refuse. I do hate to give Bioware the point on this one because the Refusal ending SHOULD have had a possibility of defeating the Reapers (that’s the POINT, that Shepard can fight on his own terms and WIN), but...the basics are there, the option to throw the Catalyst’s stupid choices back in his face and have Shepard give a speech. And even in the defeat, there’s victory of sorts, for it’s shown after the credits for the Refusal ending that though humanity and its allies failed to beat the Reapers, the information they left for the next cycle’s species allowed THEM to defeat the Reapers once and for all. I have to admit, I’m way more okay with the idea of the galaxy’s people going the way of the Protheans, saving those of the future even though they could not save themselves, than I am with the foolish, inherently racist, and absolutely ridiculous concepts behind the Synthesis ending. Hilariously, Refusal, the ending that Bioware clearly considers the worst option, the “Bad Ending,” is STILL far superior to the ending that Bioware wants so hard to convince us is the best one.

But anyways, yes. This issue has been addressed adequately, if not in the way I would have preferred.

- The Endings are Basically the Same and Thus Player Choice Means Nothing
Addressed. While the endings (besides Refusal) are almost all still fairly similar, sharing structure and several cinematics, there are enough differences to them now that you can feel that you did, in fact, get a significantly different ending for each ending option. This is accomplished mostly through the narrative of Hackett, Shepard, or EDI (depending on which ending was chosen), but there’s nonetheless a goodly amount of differences in the FMV and presented cinematics that it’s no longer just 1 ending in 3 different colors. And hey, Refusal may be the short “Bad Ending,” but it’s nonetheless very different than the other endings, so the variety is there. In addition, smaller player choices are also reflected more adequately in the endings, with many small differences shown depending on who Shepard’s love interest is, who died in the course of the game, decisions made with party members throughout the series, and how Shepard handled the major plot events of the Genophage and war for Rannoch. I think that player choice has been adequately represented with the new content.

- The Ending Says That Differences Inevitably Result in Conflict
Well, it’s sort of addressed, but sort of not. By going into more detail about why, exactly, synthetics are supposedly fated to rise against their creators, the Catalyst actually makes it out less to be a case of differences inherently leading to conflict, and more to be a case of the general psychological development of synthetics inherently leading to conflict. While I wouldn’t say that’s any less illogical and silly than before, it at least is less easily turned into an argument for destroying those who are different. On the other hand, the Synthesis ending is still presented to be the ideal solution to this problem. So it’s still basically saying that the best way to avoid conflict is to make everyone the same. Still...still, I suppose the major problem I had here was that the conflict itself seemed rooted in the idea that physical and cultural differences between 2 individuals makes peace impossible (and the idea that Shepard wouldn’t speak up against this foolishness), and that much has been addressed by refining the problem to a question of how synthetic life desires to evolve. The new question is, again, somewhat illogical and silly, but it’s not thematically repulsive any longer, so...I guess I’ll let Bioware have this one.

- The Mass Relays are Destroyed
Addressed. Destroy, Control, or Synthesis, all say or show that the Mass Relays can and will be repaired, and so, galactic society and Shepard’s works are preserved. Probably some people will still have died before the relays are repaired (particularly in the Destroy ending), but all in all, this complaint, the biggest I had, is completely corrected.


Hm. Well, thankfully, we had some better luck with this round. While not always doing so wonderfully, Bioware did manage to fix all of these tremendously important points with their new content.


So, in the end, is it enough? Does the Extended Cut save Mass Effect 3’s ending?

Yes.

Yes, with reservations. Most of the small and large problems I had with ME3’s ending were not corrected with this content. The ones that were, usually could have been fixed much better. There are still SO many plot holes that I haven’t even mentioned, and a few new ones with the new content. No matter what, the endings are bizarrely unlike the entire series leading up to them, an entirely different form of storytelling violently jammed into the tale’s last 5 minutes. Though no longer the thematic antithesis to the game, the endings are still largely irrelevant to the most important themes and ideas of the Mass Effect series. As it stands now, Mass Effect 3 has 4 endings of various levels of bad quality, and no good one.

But 4 bad endings is better than a single, tri-colored ending that is thematically repulsive and completely intolerable. The endings dreamt of by fans in the Indoctrination Theory and the Marauder Shields comic series (found here: http://koobismo.deviantart.com/gallery ) are inestimably superior to what we now have, and it’s rather sad to see just how greatly the fans have outdone Bioware this day. But I nonetheless now have a finale that is only bad, not awful beyond comprehension, and a bad finale is something that I can (very unhappily) accept. And I can appreciate that Bioware did take the time to make this, even if I have the feeling that a lot of it was driven by a hope to win back the potential DLC customers who were leaving in droves. So I won’t cut my ties to Bioware as I have with SquareEnix. I’ll be a much wiser customer now, to be sure--no more pre-orders for Bioware no matter what the product is, and I’ll wait to know about the product’s quality before I commit to a purchase. But the important thing is that I will still be a customer. They’ve won back that much, at least.

But Bioware is on thin ground with me now, and it won’t take many more Day 1 Paid DLC packages, outright dishonest advertisements,** inept and insulting PR statements, or awful misunderstandings of their own products for me to leave the company behind for good.



















* Admittedly, Control is kind of implausible, as well, and could also be ridiculed as Space Magic. But it’s still SO much less absurdly stupid than Synthesis.

** You want a laugh some time, find the interview in Game Informer Issue 217 (May 2011) with Casey Hudson, main writer for Mass Effect 3, and see what he had to say about what ME3 would be like. The one where he insists that the plot of ME3 won’t be dictated by finding “some long-lost Reaper “off” button,” and that Shepard getting to live in the saved ME universe was an important goal for the conclusion. If ME3 were any other product than a video game, its creators would be legally punishable for false advertising and selling a defective product. As it is, though, unethical and often illegal business practices are a daily routine in the video game industry. If game testers can regularly work unpaid overtime without breaks every day of the week, official gaming news outlets can be bribed into giving better reviews, and virtually unplayable products can be regularly rushed out the door to meet arbitrarily set deadlines, I shouldn’t be too surprised that a game developer can be allowed to tell you that you’re getting the exact opposite of what you’re actually purchasing.

General RPGs' Protagonist - NPC Romances

Ah, love. Love, the overpowering emotion we desire to give and receive, that permeates nearly every story told in modern times regardless of format, flooding our movies and books and shows and cartoons and video games and comics and songs, conditioning us to blindly want it and feel empty without it, yet cheapening our concept of it through relentless over saturation. No matter what work of fiction you're watching, playing, listening to, or reading, chances are good that a romantic angle is to be found in it, whether one was needed or not.

With all the romantic subplots going on in RPGs, whether or not they're well-written and/or relevant to the game's purpose,* it never fails to surprise me how unvaried they can be. The number of RPGs out there whose main romantic coupling can be described as "Protagonist x Girl With Healing Spells = OTP 4EVA" is a little high for my liking, and that sure isn't the only romance archetype that gets reused a lot. Even many of the good ones, and creative ones, in these games are just superior iterations of common themes of romance. Take Selan and Maxim from Lufia 2, one of the most unique RPG love stories I've encountered. The first part of their romance is a tough warrior chick coming to respect and trust the protagonist as an equal (a sexy equal, apparently) after he proves himself to be both a nice guy and pretty tough and capable in a couple dangerous situations. Not exactly award-winning creativity on that connection, even if they portray it well. What makes Maxim and Selan so unique is that the game actually hooks them up during its plot's progression, has them marry, and then shows their adventures as husband and wife, instead of just perpetuating a journey between Guy Who Likes Girl In A Non-Committal Way and Girl Who Likes Guy In Much The Same Way until hooking them up at the very end, like most RPGs would do it. But this (sadly much too) unique spin still does originate from a fairly standard romance subplot.

One kind of romance I'd like to see more of which has most certainly not been overused is the love subplot which pairs the game's protagonist with a character in the game who is NOT a member of the party. Now how often do you see that happen? It always just seems a given that if the story's hero or heroine is going to fall for someone, it's got to be one of the folks traveling with them on their quest. And sure, there's a substantial logic to this, that I do not deny. Strong feelings of companionship, be they romantic or platonic, are a natural result of spending large amounts of time with another person, particularly through dangerous and emotionally-charged events, all of which are intrinsic parts of most RPG quests. Nonetheless, the idea that one would have a loved one at home to fight to protect and come back to is also a believable (and in real-world practice, far more common) idea, as is the possibility of finding love in one of the many people that one might meet on one's world-saving journey, and these 2 options are uncommonly explored to any real degree in RPGs, and only very rarely with application to the game's protagonist.

Why is that, I wonder? Or I would, if I wasn't fairly sure that it's probably just because it's easier and more expected to have a romance in a game between major party members, and the thought of trying for something outside that box is frightening to some game writers, and utterly unrecognized by others. Nonetheless, there's really no acceptable reason for this trend against romances between protagonists and NPCs. It wouldn't have to impact a lot of games' plots negatively (since so many main romances of RPGs don't have strong relevance to the game's events overall (Final Fantasy 4 and Tales of the Abyss, for example)...and for that matter, some of the times that the plot IS importantly tied to the romance (Legend of Dragoon and La Pucelle Tactics, for example) would have been BETTER without the trite romance slapped on). There's room for creativity since it's done so infrequently. And I don't think there's significantly less potential for love and relationship depth with a Protagonist x NPC couple than there is with a Protagonist x Party Member one.

Regarding that last one, I do freely admit that almost all the really great romances I've seen in RPGs to date, as you can see if you refer back to the list I made of the best ones, have been between a protagonist and a majorly important party member (and the 1 of the list that wasn't was between a party member of minor significance and an NPC). I perceive this as a result of the number of protagonist x party member romances in RPGs so far outweighing the alternative, however, not as any real indicator that protagonist x NPC couples are inherently inferior. After all, few though they are, I have seen some really decent love stories between a protagonist and a character not actively on their journey or part of their team. The one in Arc the Lad 3, for example, between Alec and Kulara was honestly pretty sweet. They hit it off with that usual inexplicable quickness that RPGs are so fond of, yes, but the quiet mutual attraction they share and their small but sweet exchanges each time Alec returns to Kulara's orphanage on a mission seem very genuine and emotional. It's not an amazing tale of love or anything, but its gentle emotion grips the player a lot more than quite a few of the standard RPG love stories that try so hard to be epic and important.

As another example, what about Souji and Ai, from Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4? Souji has the opportunity to court every lady in his party in that game, but it's Ai, an NPC, whose romantic Social Link chain of events are by far the most touching, deep, and romantically rewarding. Granted, this is partially because nearly all the other romances in that game are honestly pretty lousy, usually seeming spontaneous and forced. But even if Ai had any real competition, her love story would still hold up well, as a story of Souji's devotion and companionship, his good influence, helping Ai to rediscover herself, and grow to care about her true self and about those around her for more than just their appearance. It's also convincing in that Souji rejects her at first, implied to know her and have strong enough insight into her character that he'd rather wait until she's truly ready for a relationship than just dive in at the first opportunity with no regard to her real needs. I really do like this small protagonist x NPC story, and it would probably make it to my Top Romance List if I extended it to cover 10 spots--it certainly would make a top 15, at the very least.

There aren't many examples of this rare coupling between an RPG's protagonist and a character not actively traveling with them, but there are just enough to tell me that the idea has some real potential, and I want to see more. Too often this idea is relegated down to party members of lesser importance, and even then given too little attention and development. Game developers need to give the healing mages of the RPG world a little breather, maybe a chance to get up off their backs for a moment, and start exploring other romantic options for their games' main leads.
















* Protip: Way, way too many of them are not.

The Pokemon Series's Gym Hazards

Well, THAT was a bust. I take a month off to shore up my rant reserves, and what do I have to show for it? This.

So! Pokemon. While the RPG series sometimes has some merits, there’s no denying that the world of Pokemon and its society are one of the craziest, least sensible settings one can find in gaming, save for the occasional game that is deliberately trying to be bizarre. Why do people let children just wander aimlessly across the country, unsupervised, looking to provoke and catch creatures of immense power that could easily destroy them? If Pokemon are so easily trained, why aren’t they weaponized, given their limitless potential for destruction? How the bloody hell does a Pokeball work, and where does the technology come from in a world which is otherwise fairly comparable to ours in terms of scientific advancement? And so on and so forth. To pick apart the logical gaps in the world of Pokemon would take hours, days, weeks, pages and pages of questions, and honestly, almost all of them have been asked and mocked before dozens of times, so I’m not going to bother with it. There IS, however, one aspect of the Pokemon world that is confusingly illogical that I DON’T think has been particularly widely questioned yet, so I’m going to waste your time with it today: the safety hazards of the Pokemon Gyms.

What the HELL is going on with the Gyms of the Pokemon world? Oh, sure, plenty of them are innocuous enough. A swimming pool area for Misty’s Water-Type Gym, a forest maze for Bugsy’s Bug-Type Gym, an actual gym for Maylene’s Fighting-Type Gym, that sort of thing. They create an appropriate background environment for the theme of the Gym Leader’s specialty, and often use the layout themes to create obstacles and puzzles for the challenger to overcome before battling the Gym Leader. Decent idea, harmless enough.

But some of these places are fucking death traps. In Skyla’s Flying-Type Gym in Pokemon Generation 5, for example, challengers have to climb into and be shot out of cannons to advance forward, which is just a tragedy waiting to happen. But hey, I’ve played the Mana series. I’m accustomed to the immensely ridiculous idea of using human artillery as a means of travel. So I can certainly look beyond this.

But peeling the remains of 10-year-olds off Skyla’s walls is just the start. How about Mauville City’s Gym from Pokemon Generation 3, which has big, live tesla coils just randomly scattered around the floor, running lord knows how many millions of volts between them right out in the damn open? Good God, I know the place has an Electric-Type theme, but it seems just a little extreme to me to have a setup where any wrong step by a visitor (or trainer flunky, for that matter, they hang around awfully close to these giant electrical coils) is gonna light them up like an overclocked Christmas tree. And what about the Gym for Violet City? Yeah, no giant unguarded volt machines there, but I’m not sure incredibly narrow platforms, ones without any kind of guard rails whatsoever, suspended hundreds of feet in the air so that any challenger can have a good few moments to consider that last misstep as they plunge to their death, are much better. And hey, yeah, how about that Blackthorn City Gym? You know, the one where all the little kids hoping to win a Gym Badge are running around on platforms floating over molten fucking lava?

Normally I’d snarkily criticize the fact that several parts of the place don’t have any safety railing (and those parts are the moving platforms, even!), the way I did for Violet City’s Gym, but really, it’s a public meeting place for preteens that’s filled with lethal, boiling melted rock. I think that once you’ve got overactive ten year olds running around on rocks floating in a roiling fire sea of death just because you like the atmosphere the lava gives the place, safety railings are a moot fucking point!

By far my personal favorite for hazardous Pokemon battling environments, though, is the Icirrus City Gym. This is a Gym where the challenger has to make his/her way around the Gym by sliding uncontrollably forward over icy patches. Now, this has some potential for injury, but you’re thinking, well, that’s not nearly as dangerous as cannon travel and live electrical coils. Right? Well, see, the Gym is split into 2 separate sections, one on the left, and one on the right. What separates them? A huge, black void. It’s pretty certain for a hole to be that huge and that black, it must be a long, LONG way down. As in the fatal-several-times-over form of long, LONG way down. And how do you get from section of the Gym to the other, and back again? By running onto an icy ledge hanging out over the pit and sliding along it until you hit a ramp that sends you flying through the air to an identical icy ledge with a ramp on the other side. I don’t have a picture of this, but if you go to 3:29 in this video, you can see it in action.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTiGZqVYIpg

I just love the idea of this, in a sick, twisted way. All you need is for some clumsy kid or adult to accidentally step foot on that patch of ice leading to the ramp, and start sliding forward. That’s all. It’s too smooth and slick to stop yourself; the game shows clearly that one has no control of one’s momentum once on that ice. And just accidentally sliding forward means they’re going slowly--easily slow enough that they won’t have enough speed when they hit the ramp to make it to the other side. They’ll just gently be lifted into the air a foot or so, and fall to their death. No railings (AGAIN) or anything that they could grab onto to steady themselves or anything. Just an irreversible slide to their death plunge. What happens if a kid has the speed, but loses his/her balance while sliding toward that ramp? Ice is slippery, sliding momentum is tricky, accidents happen. I guess he/she just slides on the ass or side along, hits the ramp, and tumbles through the air in a flailing mess, most likely hitting the other side’s ramp end and falling into the pit. Or how about if a challenger judges the path wrong, approaches the thing at an angle? They may have the speed and balance just fine, but be irrevocably heading in a diagonal direction and miss the other side’s icy ledge altogether.

It’s one thing to be instantly electrocuted or have a second-long plunge into an immediate fiery death, but if anything goes wrong on that icy ramped ledge of death in Icirrus City, you get to watch, to know, your death as you approach it, and there’s nothing you can do. Damn, man, forget the rest, Icirrus City’s Gym is the worst of the bunch.

And so it is proven that the world of Pokemon is really pretty messed up if you look at the details. Again. For like the millionth time. But hey, at least it’s been proven in a way that, to my knowledge, hasn’t had much discussion previously, right? That’s gotta be worth something.

I’m sorry, I’ll have a real rant next time. Probably.