Sailor Moon: Another Story's Epic Foundations

Man, if you guys thought my rant on Mario strained the limits of what's supposed to be an RPG-only rant blog thingy, you're gonna LOVE what I've got today.

So, a few weeks ago, I was browsing various AMVs on Youtube, and happened across one made by Neko9, the same person who made the Parasite Eve 1 AMV I used for an example in my RPG AMVs rant last month, for the Sailor Moon anime (specifically, its 2 movies). It was a rather nice AMV,* and the way it was put together got me thinking about the Sailor Moon anime in general, and I had something akin to a revelation about it.

(Yes, I WILL get to the actual RPG later on, I promise).

Sailor Moon is, by now, a relatively 'old' anime. For a lot of people, myself included, it was part of a small group of translated animes that inducted nerds and geeks into the world of Japanimation while we were in middle and high school. I remember watching it religiously on Cartoon Network's Toonami, along with a few other shows like Dragon Ball Z, the timelessly excellent Robotech, and occasionally Gundam Wing. Back in the day, there weren't many animes readily available in pop culture to court new and eager anime fans with, and Sailor Moon was one of the most easily available and long-running series out there.

Of course, nowadays, a lot of us look back on the show with a more modern, adult view and wonder what we were thinking. I mean, the show is generally over-dramatic, silly, and hackneyed. From the vapid, annoying characterization of several of the show's cast members (you can only get so many jokes out of Serena/Usagi's bad school habits before it gets annoying, and most of the tiny little romance subplots for the Sailor Scouts are dull and go nowhere), the fights get repetitive (and so do the plots leading to the fights--how many different damn ways are there to gather people together to steal their spiritual energy or spiritual heart energies or spiritual spirit energies, etc?), and the daily bad guys CAN look pretty cool and have some neat abilities, but are usually more on the stupid side. And the general plot progression for each villain arc of the show is pretty formulaic--enemy general is trusted with gathering magic stuff and killing Sailor Scouts, enemy general fails for 10 to 30 episodes to do so, and eventually is killed and replaced with the next general up on the command tier, with there being, oh, say, 4 to 6 generals before the big baddy in charge takes over. Sailor Moon largely created the silly and exaggerated Magical Girl genre of anime, and it remains more or less the quintessential example of its more dumb vices.

So yes, a lot of us, years later now, are quick to criticize Sailor Moon, and rightly so, because the show's presentation of itself was juvenile and silly, and managed to become cliched by the very cliches that it pioneered.

The thing is, though, is this: when I stopped to think about it, as much criticism as Sailor Moon gets, I rarely hear of anyone who just flat-out hated it, who just says it's irredeemable garbage. We who watched it may often poke fun at it and groan as we look back on it, but relatively speaking, there's not nearly as much disdain or animosity as one might think for the show, who harbors serious, real spite and loathing for it. You take another big anime that was on at the time that we all watched because it was different and new, Dragon Ball Z, and you don't get the same effect. When people look back on it and recognize it for being boring trash, there's plenty of venom to be found in their criticisms for it. We look back on that and know we just watched the damn thing because there was little other anime readily available to sate our growing interests; otherwise we would have just gotten bored after 10 episodes and watched something else. There's just something about Sailor Moon and our old enjoyment of it that we can't quite betray in the same way we can turn on its contemporary peers.

Here's what I think it is, the quality that goes beyond simple rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia to keep us from actually hating the old show: if you look beyond the stupid moments, the annoying pace, modern kiddy soap-opera tones and silly stuff...you have foundations for something epic, something great.

I mean, think about its basic premise: a displaced princess from a destroyed, ancient kingdom, lost to time and herself until reawakened into a warrior of justice, fights against world-threatening foes both one-dimensionally sinister (Beryl, Wiseman) AND human and interesting (Diamond/Demando, those annoying Anne and Alan blokes with the damn alien tree), accompanied by predestined soldiers to aid her, protect her, and help her to build a future queendom that unites great technology, benevolent magic, and the rulers of old together to usher in an age of peace, prosperity, and human glory. She and they utilize elements of significance both to the world and to humanity--Wind, Lightning, Fire, Ice, Water, Earth, Light, Darkness, Time, and Love. Sometimes there are times of rest between battles. At other times, the unthinkable happens--deaths of allies, the corruption of one's own child against its parents. But in the end, hope and love always triumph over those that would destroy or pervert them.

You look underneath the stupid shit like Tuxedo Mask, repetitive and stupid battles, Serena/Usagi's crappy grades, the bickering, and Rini/Chibi-Usa being annoying in general, and you find EPIC foundations. All of that stuff up there can make for a genuinely great, moving, and inspiring tale on a grand scale. Regardless of the mess they built upon it, the foundation is solid and great.

Now, to actually tie this in to RPGs to give me a transparent and sad excuse to do an anime-rant in here, the Sailor Moon RPG for the SNES, Sailor Moon: Another Story, follows the same method as the show in this regard. On the surface, the game seems largely dull in all the same ways as the show--character development for most of the characters amounts to tiny, inexplicable romances that die out almost immediately and serve no purpose, the villains' motives are barely explored and usually dumb (though to be fair, I've noted before that it's hard to find a genuinely good villain in RPGs in general), the overall demeanor of the characters is usually annoying and/or typecast, and Tuxedo Mask is, somehow, even MORE useless than usual.

But for all the boring and clumsy execution of the plot by under-developed characters, the game's also got some pretty cool ideas at its core. The general idea is that a new villainess, Apsu, is using the unique, reality-shifting power of a comet passing by near the Earth to alter Fate itself,** rearranging the events of history so that the various foes the Sailor Scouts defeated in the past did not die, and promising each villain an altered fate where they won and obtained what they wanted so long as they follow Apsu. The Scouts have to fend off old enemies, from the highest dangers like Beryl and the Sovereign of Silence/Mistress 9 to the lowest of common, single-episode grunts, all while dealing with the new band of villainesses formed by Apsu, as they attempt to right the world's fate and correct history back to its true course before the changes to the past remake them, as well. Pretty neat idea, all in all.

So yeah. I wouldn't call Sailor Moon: Another Story a good game, but I can't say it's a bad one, either, because regardless of its somewhat bland and annoying execution, it's got some solid originality and epic feel to its plot's foundation--and all in all, I feel that this is also the case with the anime itself. Regardless of the flaws in the finished product, at its core Sailor Moon was solid, creative, and epic, and it had a lot of heart. And I think that people in general could recognize that when they watched it, and still do, even if not consciously.












* No longer on Youtube, but you can find it at the AMV.org profile I linked to above for Neko9.
** Now I do have to wonder, did the makers of SMAS come up with this idea themselves, or did they steal it from Illusion of Gaia, made roughly 2 years prior? Or is there perhaps some real-world mythological basis for nearby comets being able to alter reality, and I just don't know about it? I mean, I know that shooting stars are in several cultures portents of disaster, but I've never heard anything specific about their ability to warp destiny and history in any legends I've encountered, and that sort of thing sounds more like a modern idea than it does an ancient myth.

General RPGs' Child Party Members

As I've mentioned before, RPG casts can be some of the most physically varied out there. Your companions can be any species, any race, any gender, any level of intellect, any sexuality, any social class, etc. You can pick up an RPG and have a party of 10 (sort of) average humans, or you could get one with a human, cat fairy, half-harpy thing, floating wise man, wooden guy, flute-playing researcher, flying squirrel, shrimp, odd little robot that looks like a mailbox with arms, and two big genies.* And one of the many factors that vary for party members is age. Oh, sure, at least 98% of the RPGs you'll find are going to have the main character's age range from mid-early teens to very early 20s, but the side characters can be anywhere from 5 to 5000 years of age. You actually see quite a few kids running around in RPG parties--Eiko from Final Fantasy 9, Maria from Xenogears, Mel from Chrono Cross, Roger from Star Ocean 3, and Carol from Wild Arms 5 are just a few examples. And y'know, the more I see it happen, and the more I think about it, the more it seems really odd to me.

I mean, okay, I get that it adds a little diversity to have a drastically younger character in the cast and provides some opportunity for different character development (not that writers often exploit that potential very well). And hey, I have to admit, I've always actually found it kind of cool to have some random, sweet-looking little girl somehow able to kick ass like a crazy viking berserker, even if simple facts of physics and human biology are against it.

But, uh, think about this. We're talking about bringing children repeatedly--the hundreds-of-times kind of repeatedly--into life-threatening combat, where not only do they have to witness brutal acts of violence inflicted upon animals, other human beings, and their friends and possible family members that they travel with, but they have to take PART in this wanton, never-ending slaughter. It's not enough that they're watching Meathead Protagonist #395 butcher whatever fuzzy hell-bunny randomly showed up for a beating at any given time, but they have to murder every enemy they come across like all the other party members. That's actually pretty messed up, or at least it seems that way to me.

Now sure, RPGs only rarely address the psychological issues that come from having to murder human beings for their characters. The fact that a somewhat normal protagonist-kid like Luke from Tales of the Abyss initially has serious qualms with the necessity of taking other human beings' lives may seem like a simple and obvious reaction and opportunity for character development, but it's an issue very rarely explored by anyone in any RPG. So it's not exactly that child party members unrealistically never deal with the mental trauma of battle so much as it is that NOBODY does.

And, to be fair further, it's believable in some cases for RPG kids to be relatively fine with hacking monsters apart with their bare hands, given the kids' personalities. In some cases, a child character, like Anise from Tales of the Abyss or Ken from Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 FES, is developed as a character with certain mental processes far beyond his/her age, making him/her mature enough to react to most things as an adult would--in the example of Anise, she's just about the most devious schemer and gung-ho battler in the game, and understands everything with a maturity far beyond her age; she's an interesting mix of a kid's enthusiasm and pluck with an adult's wit and perceptions. In the case of Ken, his readiness for the battlefield is actually worked into his character history. In other cases, the child character is just so daft that they clearly aren't in touch with reality enough to properly consider their actions anyway--Roger from Star Ocean 3 and Choko from Arc the Lad 1 and 2 come to mind. And on the really, really rare occasion, you DO get a kid character who reacts to situations and fighting in a realistic fashion for his/her age--rare as in the only one I can think of is Marona from Phantom Brave, but it CAN happen.

Still, overall, the somewhat common presence of kids in an RPG party just seems odd when I think about it, particularly given how little development they're given regarding their reactions to the constant combat. We don't hear a peep out of Final Fantasy 6's Relm about her having to stab men through the heart with a paintbrush. Does it ever concern Final Fantasy 9's Eiko when she watches Zidane slice up a cute, fluffy (though admittedly diabolical) Yan in front of her? Did anyone in the entire Chrono Cross party ever consider NOT putting the 10-year-old whose hobby is doodling out on the front lines to take on monsters, armed guards, killer robots, and ungodly abominations? It's a weird trend, and, when you think about it, maybe even a bit disturbing.





* I did not randomly make these characters up. I have encountered them all as party members. In the same game, no less. The Magic of Scheherazade was fun times.

General RPGs' AMVs 1

Something I've not often really advertised about myself: I like AMVs. AMV, for all of those too caught up in not being losers to already know, stands for Anime Music Video. Basically, it's a fan taking a song, and making a music video for it using scenes from an anime (or several) to go along with the tune. Of course, the internet being what it is, the "Anime" part of AMV quickly became a less commanding suggestion than the local Speed Limit, or Mass Effect 1's Auto-Level option. Nowadays, you can make an AMV out of animes, cartoons, animated movies of any kind, and, of course, video games.

Now, when I say I like AMVs, I should clarify that I like them in the same capacity that I like any fan-made media (fanfiction, for example). That is to say, I actually hate most of the ones I come across, because they are garbage. This is because the people making these videos are:


1. Clueless
2. Idiots
3. Lacking Skills
4. Tasteless
5. Any Combination of 1, 2, 3, and 4
6. Not Convinced That Kingdom Hearts 1 and 2 Shouldn't Have More Music Videos Than There are People on the Earth to Watch Them.


Still, there are some good ones out there. There are even some that I'd say are really great. And plenty of these good and great ones are RPG AMVs.

What, however, makes a good AMV? I mean, it's easy to tell when you've found a really good one; everything seems right. But what are the factors that really make the difference? Well, I've thought for a while on it, and I think I've pretty much got an idea of what makes an RPG AMV really work well. Before I get into them, though, here's an example of a very good RPG AMV. The game is Parasite Eve 1, and it does potentially spoil stuff, so be warned. Also be warned, if you haven't played the game but want to watch the AMV, that the game has some pretty fucked up stuff happen in it, and there's some pretty graphic, freaky shit going down in a lot of the game's FMVs (Full Motion Videos; cinemas, in other words).

Parasite Eve 1: Send Me an Angel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7INFHx5UH0 (Kept on my channel because Neko9's Youtube account has disappeared)

I'll be referring to this AMV as an example for almost each point of the list below, because it incorporates almost everything I think makes an AMV good. So here's the guide:


1. HAVE A POINT. Look, it's really no different than any other art form: an AMV should have a direction, something it wants to do or say. It can be a thoughtful, insightful comment on society or human nature. It can be a portrayal of great emotion and conflict. That's all great. But it doesn't have to be that big, either. It can be something basic, too--just summarizing the scope and feel of the game it shows, making the audience laugh, telling a story, emphasizing some aspects of the game's events, these are all fine. The PE1 AMV's not going for anything too extraordinary; it's just sort of summarizing the feel and action of the game, showing things that happen and matching it to a tune. That works fine. Just have SOME reason of substance for making an AMV. But if you're just doing it because you like the game and you like the song, or because you just think that the game's super-pretty bishounen main character is dreamy and HAS to have yet another music video dedicated to how awesome it is that he has good hair, then you're just going to end up with a rather pointless mess.

2. HAVE AN APPROPRIATE SONG. Look, we all have different tastes in music. I know that. But make sure your song actually coordinates with the game you're showing and what you want to say with the AMV. Don't play some screaming, raw alternative heavy rock metal whatever* to your AMV about the heartfelt love between Final Fantasy 10's Tidus and Yuna. If you're showing a montage of your most gruesome, horrifying, totally awesome kills in Fallout 3, don't put it to some longing, totally unintelligible J-Pop tune about feelings, butterflies, and eating sushi on trains or something. See how the PE1 AMV has a song that's fairly upbeat but with its moments of weird techno, with a general feeling of danger and need, all of which works pretty well with a modern-day semi-sci-fi adventure? The song works for what's being shown.

3. HAVE QUALITY VISUALS. Pretty simple: if it looks like crap, people don't wanna see it. I don't need Maximum Blow-Me-Out-Of-My-Chair HD x 10,000 graphic quality, but the video should be clean and clear. Seems obvious, but I've seen so many AMVs that are fuzzy, grainy, static-y, and just overall unappealing to watch. The PE1 video I showed is decent all the way through, as nice to watch to the music as it was to watch in the game.

4. SHOW SOME ARTISTRY. Any damn fool can just have some scenes run while music plays. Spice things up a bit. Cut to other scenes in an interesting way. Impose a translucent scene or picture over the video's action. There are all kinds of neat cinematography tricks that can make an AMV seem oodles cooler than it would have been. I mean, there's no need to go crazy with it--I've seen a couple AMVs that just had so much visual meddling going on that I had no idea what it was I was supposed to be watching--but a little dabbling can really make things more fun to watch. The PE1 AMV doesn't do much of this, but it does have a small example that's kind of neat--the scene change at 2:40 goes from the round altimeter, to the round moon, to the round view of DNA,** so it's like the same circle in each scene, just changing what's in it. It's a small thing, but it's neat.

5. GET THE TIMING RIGHT. As I said, any damn fool can just have some scenes run while music plays. But what really makes an AMV's visual and audio parts tie together into something fun to watch is timing the scenes to the music. Is there a crash, an impact of some sort in the song? Show something appropriate at that moment in the AMV. Is there an emphasized word or phrase in the song at certain points? Show something related at those moments. Is there a scene in your AMV about Final Fantasy 7's Cloud and Sephiroth's enmity where their blades meet? Play it right as the music hits a strong and lingering note. And let the AMV's scenes change as the music's tone and directions do. This detail is what separates an AMV from a random video with music playing to it. The PE1 AMV I directed you to has a lot of great examples of this--the scenes change well with the tune's change, the singing lady's voice is accompanied by scenes of Eve singing, the sudden, loud pause in the song at 1:41 has Eve slam her hands down, the chorus of "Send me an Angel" is always accompanied by an appropriate moment of Eve rising into the air or one of the good guys flying through it (and the scenes' order is good, too, with the most important, final "Send me an Angel" line getting the main character Aya to emphasize it), another beating pause at 2:10 accompanies a scene of a cop suddenly stopping a car...the timing in this video is nigh perfect from start to finish, and that really makes it cool to watch and worth noting.

6. MATCH THE SONG TO THE VIDEO. This one is kind of a combination of 3 and 5--have the videos tying in to the song's lyrics as they play, or working alongside the tone of the song's tune. Either's fine, as long as you're doing something to tie the package together. A lot of people just take a song they like and play it while showing the opening video of an RPG, claiming that it's an AMV. But doing that means that, save for extraordinary luck, a lot, most, or all of the video won't really seem to match up with the song being played at all. Hell, pretty much all RPG opening videos already HAVE music playing to them, which they were designed to match. Match the mood, match the words, just do something to make it work together. For our PE1 example, the scenes shift from urgent to slower and building as the song does quite well.

7. DON'T BE AFRAID OF NON-FMV VIDEO. Here's the deal: most RPGs have fairly limited FMVs to choose from. FMVs are expensive and take up a lot of space, even today, so game makers pretty much always use them sparingly. So if you're making an AMV for a game, you're probably going to be using all the same videos that anyone else who's made an AMV for the same game has used. But y'know, in reasonable doses, actual game footage CAN be useful. I have yet to find a great RPG AMV that's tried using in-game footage, but I've found some good ones that did and suffered no lesser quality because of it. Sometimes, powerful scenes don't have an accompanying FMV to go with them, but work so well with the song and theme that they just should be shown. Sparingly-used, they can add a lot, and most people don't really think to try it out. Now, the PE1 video I use as an example doesn't have any of this, unfortunately. As a stand-in, I recall once viewing a decent Tales of the Abyss AMV which was set to an extremely fast-paced, loud song. The AMV was pretty much dedicated to fast-pitched, tough battle, and used quite a lot of in-game footage of the different special attacks (which, like the song, were mostly fast-paced and flashy). It worked quite well, and was a good AMV for what it was going for.

8. DON'T BE AFRAID OF IN-GAME SOUND EFFECTS. In general, people don't have quite the appreciation for sound effects that they should. Sound effects are the audio details that help us orient ourselves within the game's world, arguably as responsible for drawing us into a game's mood and events as the music and voice acting are. So if the sound effects in an RPG's FMV are meant to make the scene more real to the viewer...why get rid of them? I'm not saying that an AMV-maker shouldn't pick and choose which scenes' sound effects are distracting and unnecessary, but look at the FE1 AMV--the roar of the jets, the shaking of fossils in the museum, these sound effects that played in the game's scenes do the same job of making the video feel real to the watcher now as they did then, without interfering with the music. And it's not like the AMV maker just didn't bother to take anything out--they kept what was helpful, but they got rid of sounds that would have been distracting, too. When Eve slams her hand on the piano at 1:41, the sound of the piano being hit is removed, because the music's impact at that moment was more important. This keeping of useful sound effects is, unfortunately, not something that most makers of AMVs think to do, but can help make it seem more smooth and immersing.


So that's my guide on what I think makes a great RPG AMV. Dunno whether anyone in the world who plans to make one will ever see it, but, eh, I like talking anyways, so what the hey. It's there.

Now, something else I haven't really advertised: I've made over 100 rants. The 100th rant, in fact, was the last one I put up. Now, Queelez suggested that I do something special for the 100th rant, but I decided not to. I mean, 100, big deal. Just a number. Who cares.

BUT, this is Rant 101. That's like 100, only bigger, AND a palindrome! Totally worth doing something special over. So, I've decided that from here on out, I'll have the occasional rant on really great RPG AMVs I've found, showing them to you all and noting why I think they're awesome and worth watching. As I mentioned, I really like a great, well-crafted AMV, and I'm hoping you all do, too. And for those who don't, which could very well be all of you, well...if it helps, I've actually so far only found 4 RPG AMVs that I really think are great, not counting Parasite Eve 1: Send Me an Angel, which I thought was on the border between good and great anyway. So you won't have that many AMV rants to slog through/ignore.

Oh, and hey, everyone, incidentally: thanks a lot for reading, commenting, suggesting, everything. I'm okay with only entertaining myself with huge walls of text, but it's really cool to know that there are some folks out there actually willing to wade through my endless babble over and over again. It means a whole hell of a lot, seriously. Here's to the next 101.***









* Yeah, I don't actually know much about music genres. I just know what I like and don't.
** To be honest, the change from the altimeter to the moon MIGHT have already been in the game's FMV cinema. I don't remember. But I'm pretty sure that the change to the DNA was the AMV's maker's doing.
*** Uh, imagine that I just lifted my Orange Julius to toast you guys. The action's kinda lost in text.

General RPGs' Glitchy PC Games

As a general rule, RPGs made for the PC tend to have a lot of glitches. They can range all over the place, from visuals and sound getting screwed up to game physics going out of whack to the always-familiar total system crash--and so much more. It's so prevalent with PC games that, for me, the question isn't whether the game has noticeable, problematic bugs--it's how MANY it has.

Now, to be fair, console RPGs have had many glitches of their own. The genre has a long and glorious history of the things. It's possible in a ton of games, such as Final Fantasy 4 and Wild Arms 1, to duplicate items using bugs. Grandia 2's textures are always getting messed up (in the PS2 version, anyway; I hear the other versions don't have that problem). Xenosaga 1 had a really annoying bug in which, in one certain area, if you passed a door by without accessing it and grabbing the treasure within, it would be lost forever, because trying to open it later would crash the damn game. Shining Force EXA has some problem with its leveling system in which your allies stop gaining levels once your main characters reach Level 200. I've had a couple games where I actually walked around with a party full of people who were all at 0 HP, because a party member who had been the only one with any health left had been removed for plot-related purposes. In both Phantasy Star 3 and Final Fantasy 4 (among others, but these two are more famous for this), you can use warping spells to go back to places where you just were which should be closed off, resulting, in PS3, in being trapped and acknowledged by the game makers themselves at having invoked a glitch, and in FF4, in getting an item that lets you skip an entire dungeon if you wish. The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening had one where pressing Select at just the right time when you went from one room to the other could put you through walls and give you access to bizarre rooms of glitched coding. And the list goes on.

There are a couple console RPGs that are so glitchy that they're actually somewhat famous for it. Final Fantasy 6 has more bugs than you can shake a stick at, plentiful and large enough that several have formal names, like the Psycho Cyan and Vanish/X-Zone bugs. Hell, an entire important mechanic of its battle system just plain didn't work--the game never took the Physical Evade stat into consideration, instead ONLY using the Magical Evade stat for both magical and physical attacks. And Pokemon's 1st generation is infamous for its glitches--item duplication, running into Pokemon you're not supposed to (even including Mew), the infamous Missing No. enemies, and even the ability to go to a place affectionately called "Glitch City."

Still, even in the glitchiest of console RPGs, the number of bugs is tiny in comparison with the weird errors that occur in PC games--and usually, not half as randomly invoked (at least with a lot of the glitches I mentioned above, you have to actually be doing something odd and otherwise unexpected to make them happen). Knights of the Old Republic games, particularly KotOR2, were loaded with bugs. A few of the many I've encountered are game freezes, dialogue loops that led to unlimited bonuses for the character Hanhar, conversations which suddenly gave me no response to pick from when it was my turn to talk, texture problems, and camera angles suddenly turning completely wonky during conversations.

And the Fallout series? Holy crap. The games are riddled with bugs, particularly 2 and 3. Fallout 2 had companion glitches, problems with your vehicle that could cause it to totally vanish, reward scripting errors that would cause you to LOSE money instead of gaining it when being paid for certain jobs, the occasional crash, looping and repeating dialogue that could be exploited for money and experience, multiple problems with the game not recognizing certain accomplishments you had during the plot, which resulted in certain parts of the ending being impossible to get...the game wasn't so apparently glitchy as Knights of the Old Republic 2, but I think it was at least close to equal. And Fallout 3? Jeez. I can't even BEGIN to list the bugs in Fallout 3 that just I personally have encountered--and from what I read, I've had a comparably smooth ride with the game. You want an understanding, go to The Fallout Wiki, and go to, oh, I dunno, almost ANY page about something significant in Fallout 3, be it a weapon, location, quest, companion, game mechanic, whatever. I'd say you've got a 70% chance that the page you check out will have a Bugs section detailing multiple glitches the game's had with that ONE small aspect of it. At the very least, you might see a glitch detailed in the page's Notes section. It's THAT prevalent.

You might point out that Mass Effect 1, which is an RPG on the PC, runs pretty smoothly by comparison. Not glitch-free, but compared to the KotOR and Fallout games, very neat and clean. Well, yes, but I don't really think it counts, because it was originally made for a console (X-Box 360) and later released on the PC...so, if anything, it kinda counts as another console RPG to me.

So really, what is up? I'm willing to believe that programming a PC RPG is probably a lot tougher than doing it for the console. I don't know anything about technical stuff, but it seems to me that it would have to be, given the huge scope of what a PC can do and how it runs things. And it's not like any glitches I've found have deterred me from playing any of the RPGs I've listed. But all the same...it's just excessive at times. I know it's not sloppy work, because these games are all very good overall, and Fallout 3's makers, Bethesda, just released another add-on to the game, Point Lookout, which seems to have only a few very minor glitches in it, despite being a very sizable addition with a lot of new content, so I know they can do a good job with the details. I think it's probably just a case of game companies setting deadlines and then being unreasonably inflexible about them. KotOR2 was so rushed for its release that it's missing a significant amount of content that its creators had intended for it, and I feel like the bugs in Fallout 2 and especially 3 must also be the result of not having the time to touch them up.

I know it's not as profitable to do so, but I really just wish game companies would give their employees the time they need to fully finish, test, and tweak their product. I don't care if I have to wait an extra month or two, I would just like a complete, fully functional RPG. Quality matters, dammit.

Final Fantasy 7's Cloud's Cross Dressing

If there's one game that has had every single minute detail of its events analyzed a hundred times over, both by people smart as a whip, and by those so inhumanly ignorant and intolerant that every sloppy word of their communication is a victory against human culture,* it's Final Fantasy 7. And after a few years of listening to such things, I can say with some confidence that I've heard most of the many criticisms that the latter group of people can levy at it--I've seen people who claim to hate the entire game more than any other they've ever played for reasons including, but not even close to limited to, Cloud's height, Cait Sith's Limit Breaks, the lack of sufficient canonical proof for the "clearly factual" romantic relationship between Vincent and Cid, the fact that the game has violence, and its audacity to include colored people in its cast.** I kid you not on any of these items, and I say with certainty that there are plenty even stupider ones that I just don't remember.

There are, of course, many complaints about the game that come up over and over. Some are valid. Others are most definitely not. Of this second category, though, one of the ones that annoys me the most is how much people complain and whine about the Wall Market scenario--specifically, the fact that Cloud cross dresses.

Now look. I'm not exactly a huge fan of the event myself. It's a rather dull little humor mini-quest that isn't actually funny most of the time, and it takes way, WAY longer than it should even if it WERE entertaining. And the entire thing suffers from an already slightly sub-par translation having to censor the bejeezus out of something like half of the dialogue, which means that a lot of the time what's being said makes no sense whatsoever. It's practically like a practice run for reading the online posts of the people who complain about it,*** it's so bad.

But of course, most of the people who cry out against this scene with such rage aren't mentioning any of the above points. THEY just hate it because it's so "gay," and shout about how it proves that Cloud is gay.****

Putting aside the fact that cross dressing doesn't have any real conclusive link to homosexuality, people just don't fucking THINK about this whole scene. Cloud NEEDS to get into Don Corneo's perverse mansion. Tifa's in there for reasons he doesn't know, and could be (probably is) in danger. The only people who get in there on short notice are girls. So to get in there, he needs to look like one.

Some will point out that Cloud is pretty tough and kills stuff for a living, so he should have just barged in there by force. And yeah, he probably could have. But that would be forcing a conflict with armed guards who could, for all Cloud knows, number in the dozens--it's a mansion; it's got plenty of space to fill with henchmen. It would be stupid to just charge into a fight against unknown odds in unfamiliar ground if (note the "if," I know Cloud does this plenty more times later in the game, but he doesn't have the easy alternative of going incognito in those cases) there's a better alternative. In addition, he doesn't know the status of the person he's trying to rescue--her location, whether she's in immediate danger, and most importantly, whether she will be PUT in immediate danger by him invading Corneo's pad.

It's also not entirely out of character for Cloud, either. No, no, I don't mean the cross dressing--I mean going for tactical stealth over diving headfirst into hostile territory. He has his whole team dress up as Shinra troops later in the game to infiltrate Junon, because sneaking in is a clearly better option than outright attacking. In both situations, disguising himself appropriately makes SENSE.

Along with being annoyed at how short-sighted, ignorant, and intolerant many of the people are who make complaints about this scene, I'm also frankly confused about why the idea of a guy dressing up as a girl to avoid trouble is so shocking to people. I mean, have they never watched a Bugs Bunny cartoon before? Or...well, just about any TV show made in the 60s to early 70s (was there some sort of cross-channel mandate at the time that all shows had to have at least one time when a guy prettied himself up?)? It's not even like it's an unknown to the RPG world. Kyle of Lunar 1 disguised himself as a girl to lure some bad guys, Mike in Startropics does the same to get into an amazon nation, and "Reyna" in Eternal Poison turns out to be a guy pretending to be the real Reyna, and wears his disguise for the entire game. Granted, that last example is from a game that almost everyone will have played after FF7, but the other two came from games released before Cloud ever threw on a dress.

People need to actually THINK. And being less ignorantly prejudiced would be good for them, too.










* Oh, Gaia Online Final Fantasy Subforum, how I loathe thee.
** Oh, Gaia Online Final Fantasy Subforum, how I really loathe thee.
*** Oh, Gaia Online Final Fantasy Subforum, how I just fucking hate thy guts.
**** Oh, Gaia Online Final Fantasy Subforum, how I wish that 90% of your members would die in a fire.

Chrono Trigger's Next Sequel: Why SquareEnix Disgusts Me

Note: Thanks to good sir Seifersythe for correcting me on a numerical issue I initially made with this rant. The correction has helped to further prove my point here. Good man!



Yes, I know. This is pretty old news at this point. And there's not much to make a rant on. But I really just had to say something about it.

So here's the deal, for all 0 of you who haven't heard yet: a major representative of SquareEnix has gone on record to say that the company will not make, nor consider making, another game in the Chrono series because sales of the Chrono Trigger rerelease on the DS are not what they wanted. When told that fans were and always had been fanatically yammering, as fans often do, for another CT sequel, SquareEnix disregarded it by saying "That's not what trusty Mr. Sales Chart says!"

A few facts relevant to this situation:

Chrono Trigger is an SNES game released over 10 years ago initially.
CT is almost universally loved, and one of the most famous RPGs of all time.
It has already been rereleased before, on the PS1.
The DS release was priced at the same cost of a brand new game.
The DS release had sales of over 800,000 copies last year, its year of release. RPG Dark Cloud 1 has sold, years after being made, a total of about 800,000 copies as well. It has had a continuation of its series. RPGs Breath of Fire 4, Suikoden 4, and Final Fantasy Tactics Advance 1 all sold significantly fewer copies during their years of release, as is the case of many, many other RPGs. Breath of Fire 4's units sold was less than in its initial year than CT's DS release, yet was deemed a success and had its series continued for a 5th game, not to mention was deemed one of the PS1's Greatest Hits. Suikoden 4 also had less than half the units sold in its launch year, yet not only had its series continued, but also had a direct sequel, Suikoden Tactics, made for it. And of course, Final Fantasy Tactics Advance 1, a SquareEnix game, was deemed a high enough success with fewer units sold in its initial year than CT DS to have its series continued, as well.
Putting out a remake of a game with minimal added content (new translation, bonus dungeon, programming it to work on the DS) costs a LOT less in time and, more importantly, money, than making a new game does, so SquareEnix makes a lot more on average from a remake purchased at full price than a regular, new game.
Chrono Trigger's SNES release sold multiple millions of copies.
Chrono Cross sold well, probably because it was CT's sequel more than anything else.
Final Fantasy Chronicles, the package that contained the PS1 rerelease of CT, was very successful.


So basically, Chrono Trigger has been wildly successful for the company, is a legendary name of gaming, and has proven that a sequel to it can be profitable. Its first rerelease sold well, and its latest rerelease doesn't seem to me to be a sales failure, especially given how cheap it had to have been to produce it. The fact that SquareEnix can move hundreds of thousands of copies of a decade-old 16-bit game at a new game's price that has been rereleased once before in the recent enough past without a whole lot of advertising is pretty incredible, if you ask me. Not just that, but it's greatly outsold many other RPGs known to be successful during their initial years, some of which were new SquareEnix games!

Now, for the record, I don't want a new CT sequel. I really, really hope we never get one. Because as far as sequels go, Square and SquareEnix have always had a horrible track record, particularly in recent years--although, honestly, SquareEnix has just been terrible all around in the last couple years. I see no evidence whatsoever from their products, statements, or general business attitude to believe that they would produce a worthwhile CT sequel. I'd even be surprised if a CT sequel they made wasn't actually WORSE than the first one they tried--and you've all probably picked up on my great dislike for Chrono Cross by this point. I love CT, perhaps more than any other I've ever played. I don't want them fucking around with it.

Nonetheless, this latest little stunt of SquareEnix is just repulsive to me. If the company could just take a moment to remove its head from its ass long enough to look at the big picture instead of search its colon for its next Final Fantasy 7 sequel/prequel/whatever, it would recognize that there is ample evidence to prove that there would be plenty of profitable interest in another CT sequel. But no, it wants to bitch and whine and moan because its latest transparent, heinous attempt to cash in on its fans with another cheaply-made but expensively-priced remake didn't sucker enough fools for its liking.*

It's as short-sighted as it is callous, and shows the company's true apathy** toward the people it owes its existence to--long-term, loyal fans, ones who will keep interest in a good product long after its initial debut. The company's current plan of action for quick, easy sales relies heavily on those fans' support in both sales and word of mouth--a significant portion of SquareEnix's market for its countless remakes are people who owned the game the first time around and are just further supporting the company by getting it again, and people who have HEARD those old fans go on and on about how great these old games were. This is also true of its business plan of sequels and prequels to older games, too--the people buying FF7's countless spin-offs and FF4's sequel and so on are significantly comprised of old fans who loved the original. So instead of giving one of their most profitable demographics, to say nothing of that demographic's worth as a consumer simply by terms of loyalty, an ear and letting them know that they're appreciated by at least considering their wants, what does SquareEnix do?

It makes a final, conclusive statement to prove that it cares for nothing, absolutely nothing, but making a buck. Or yen, in this case. Quality, fans, pride, they all fall before the mighty power of money. Disgusting.








* Hypocritically, I might add, since it's made series continuations for games that had less profitable launch years recently!

** "Apathy" is me being very generous and giving SquareEnix the benefit of the doubt. What I REALLY think this move shows is real, venomous SPITE for its consumers. But I wouldn't want to be accused of not being objective.

...Well, being LESS objective, anyway.

General RPG Lists: Greatest Endings

For such a small part of a game's plot, usually taking half an hour at most of a story that took 40+ hours to tell, an ending can have an enormous effect on the impression the gamer takes from an RPG. A game can be just fine up until its final moments, but if its ending disappoints you, you're likely going to remember that part most prominently. Hell, it happened to me with Valkyrie Profile 2--most of the game's okay (I wouldn't say good, but certainly okay), but the finale was so monumentally awful that I hate the game and wish it had never been made.* Likewise, a spectacular ending can make one remember a game far better than it would have been. Again, going on personal experience, this was the case for me with Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3. Not to say that I wouldn't have thought it was a great game anyway, but a lot of its main plot was, to me, considerably less interesting and gripping than the Social Link side quests. So the ending, which brought the events of the main quest and those of whichever side quests you completed together to the same, incredibly touching conclusion, really made it a better game overall to me.

What makes an RPG ending great? It's nothing I can really define, but I'd have to say that major factors include how strongly it touches you emotionally (be that emotion jubilant or sorrowful), how well it concludes the game's events (it doesn't have to tie every loose end, and can leave a few possible future problems around in case there's a sequel or something, but it better damn well at least ADDRESS the major parts of the story that are meant to be resolved), and how effectively it shows you the way things go for everyone (not everyone has to become king of a nation/world, but they ought to have SOME kind of life beyond taking up space in the Active Party). Basically, it should speak to you (as the rest of the game should), and there should be conclusion, but not complete finality (the game's events are done with satisfactorily, but life is shown as going on)--the promise of more is good, in moderation.

So, which endings are the best? To me, they're the ones below. And, again, I must emphasize that, while most of my rants have some spoilers one way or another, this one has MAJOR ones. I mean, there aren't many greater spoilers than giving away endings. Seriously, if you don't know the game mentioned and feel that there is any possibility that you'll ever play it, don't read the description.

Endings listed are the Good or Best endings available in each game, unless otherwise noted.



5. Mass Effect 1 (Paragon Ending)

While ME1's Renegade ending is alright, for what it's going for, the Paragon ending is just really the perfect conclusion to this epic sci-fi RPG. After an incredible space battle between the Geth and Sovereign, and the fleets of the Citadel and Earth, the galaxy is saved, and humanity recognized for its great contribution to all the galaxy's races with a seat on the council that rules over them all--a momentous responsibility and privilege, that only 3 other species share. Yet there's always the possibility that Sovereign's kind will come again, and with the assurance that humanity has a future with the other peoples of the Milky Way, the protagonist leaves to continue defending all. This ending's great--it gives you a strong sense of accomplishment, with the promise of more to come amid the praise and fanfare, all coming after a struggle that was shown to be truly epic. Sci-fi stories are rather given to this sort of ending, and Mass Effect 1 exemplifies its genre.


4. Final Fantasy 10

A real tear-jerker, this one. After a journey of self-discovery that led to true love, a revelation of truth about the world's society and history, and a chance to bring about a new age of security for a world living in never-ending terror and preparation for demise, Yuna watches helplessly, in heart-rending sorrow, as her beloved Tidus fades away, having sacrificed himself for a world he barely knew so that she could live in it happily. He leaves her to join his father Jecht and friend Auron in the afterlife, a hopeful dream who bettered himself, Yuna, and so many others. And afterward, she speaks to the world, a new world, to tell them that a new day has finally come, and remembers the lessons and sacrifices of the past that brought them to this point. It's absolutely beautiful, and is filled with promise for the future.** It makes you happy, sad, and content all at once--a mark of a great ending.


3. Shadow Hearts 2 (Yuri Dies Ending)

Shadow Hearts 2, like FF10, goes for an ending that's satisfying, rewarding, happy for most of the characters involved, and so goddamn emotional that you'll want to put your controller down so it doesn't short out from all the tears falling on it. Alright, that's a slight exaggeration, but it's nonetheless extremely touching. After a long journey across half the globe to protect the world that his dear Alice loved, always in a race against time with a curse that devours his memories, Yuri feels that his business is truly finished--his enemies are vanquished, his friends are being transported through space and time to where they belong, and the world is safe. After a last, hurried but heartfelt goodbye to his closest companion Karin, Yuri declines to let himself be transported anywhere--without Alice, there IS nowhere he belongs. Instead, he stays at the crumbling site of his last battle, and lets himself die, choosing death over a life without the memories that define him and hold the only happiness and contentment he's ever known. Finally, he'll be with Alice. It's tragically romantic to an incredible degree, while still leaving you satisfied that the world is safe and sound and the people who saved it have gotten what they deserved and wanted--even poor, one-sided-lovesick Karin, in a twist that I think not a single damn person in the entire world could have foreseen, is provided the opportunity for love, which she wanted, if not under the circumstances she had thought. And then, at the end...yes, we do get a happy ending, for we see that, through some divine time-shifting providence, Yuri is brought back to the beginning of the adventure where he met Alice, and can do it all again and be with her.*** This ending's one for the books. Or at least for this list.


2. Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 FES

You know, if you asked me whether I thought that killing the protagonist off in the ending of a game made the ending better or worse in general, I would instinctively say worse. In most cases, I'd imagine that it'd be superfluous, done mostly for shock value, and would lessen the satisfaction you feel from the game as a whole, and leave a bad taste in your mouth. And I'm not entirely wrong, persay--Valkyrie Profile 2 has Alicia (along with most of the good members of the cast) die in the end, and I hate that ending so damn much. And Fallout 3's ending before the Broken Steel add-on drove me crazy, though admittedly more for its stupid circumstances.

Still, the odd fact is that out of the 5 endings I think are the best of all RPGs, 3 of them involve the main character dying. But as saddening as they are, their beauty and quality as conclusions is nearly unsurpassed. SMTP3FES exemplifies just how excellent an ending you can create while NOT trying to make your audience happy. After a year of making personal connections with people and becoming a cherished friend to so many, developing an incredibly strong bond with each one and greatly influencing each one's life for the better, the consequences of the final battle finally begin to fully catch up with protagonist Minato. Nearly overtaken by an exhaustion that grows with the hour, Minato uses his last day of school to speak to each of the people who he formed a truly lasting and meaningful relationship with. Each person whose life he touched forever is there to thank him, to make known just how important he is to them, and to look forward to seeing him again. On a grand scale AND a personal level, Minato has done everything for them. And then, on the day of graduation, after lingering long enough to fulfill his promise to his allies to see them again on that day, he finally succumbs to his affliction, and falls asleep with his head resting on the lap of she who loves him most, never to awaken again. Heartrending, but absolutely beautiful. Satisfying, yet so full of regret. I usually like my endings to make me feel content, but for one made so well as this, I don't mind something different.


1. Chrono Trigger (Unfed Cat Ending)

Actually, the Fed Cat ending's great, too, but I think this version's just a bit better, for its promise of continuing excitement.

This ending is basically the perfect happy ending. I don't think I can think of an ending to anything, RPG or otherwise, that has a more satisfactory conclusion. It wraps the adventure up with celebration, resolution of personal conflicts, and tearful, yet happy farewells as each party member goes their separate way. Yet at the same time, it gives you the promise that the companions who are now friends will have more adventures, even if they're such small ones as searching for a temporally-misplaced homemaker and feline. Finally, the credits roll to a scene of protagonist Crono and his friends flying over a peaceful, safe world, passing by the places where their companions live and seeing that each is doing well, after which the saved world is shown sitting peacefully in space, and a star rolls by to denote The End. It's so simple, yet it delivers satisfaction and a sense of peaceful accomplishment so perfectly.


Honorable Mention: Mass Effect 3 (Fan-Created MEHEM Ending)

It's no secret that Mass Effect 3 has one of the worst endings ever created for a game, or anything else, for that matter. Every part of it is a detestable slap in the face to the players, to the characters, and to the art and integrity of the series as a whole.

The Mass Effect Happy Ending Mod changes that. Now, I think it's pretty obvious, having gone through this list, that I understand a good ending doesn't have to be "happy." As I noted, the majority of the endings I've put on this list involve the hero of the game dying heroically. I didn't need an ending that was happy for ME3, as many of the brainwashed Bioware yes-fans claim of those who disliked ME3's ending--I just need one that satisfies, that ends this great trilogy with the epic power it deserves and delivers an experience in tune with the greatness that permeates Mass Effect. To put it simply, Mass Effect needs an ending that is Mass Effect. Apparently that's too difficult to fathom for the pretentious, self-important asses at Bioware, so 1 fan, going by MrFob, stepped forward and made, with a little help from the ME fan community, a mod for ME3 that transforms its ending from a colossal failure into a grand, sensational finale to a true sci-fi classic. It's not perfectly streamlined, but it's damned good; there are times when the entirely fan-created sequences are indistinguishable from the "real" game content...and for an ending that so properly concludes Mass Effect, I'd take a hell of a lot worse, to be sure. I plan to do a rant on MEHEM at some point, so I'm gonna cut this off here, but in parting, I happily declare that I celebrate this modded ending for ME3 as the true finale to Shepard's tale, and I recommend--hell, I plead to anyone who plays and enjoys Mass Effect to experience the series with this as its ending.








* Even a modestly okay game can deserve to never have been made, folks, if its ending completely erases a previous, much better game's events from ever happening. Great idea, SquareEnix, retcon one of the most famous and desired RPGs of all time out of existence. I'm sure no one will have a problem with THAT.


** Okay, maybe the future that actually DOES come about is a horrible mess of incompetent writing wrapped in shallow marketing ploys, but you can't hold that against FF10's ending.


*** And he can do things right this time, perhaps--the good ending of Shadow Hearts 1 had her live, so we can assume that the actual chronology of the games is Shadow Hearts 1 occurs with the Bad Ending (Alice dies), Shadow Hearts 2 occurs with the Good Ending (Yuri dies and goes back to Shadow Hearts 1's beginning), Shadow Hearts 1 occurs with Yuri's better understanding of himself and its events and Alice lives in the Good Ending.

General RPGs' Packaging Extras

Packaging extras are a rather neat little idea that a lot of RPG companies have incorporated in minor ways to their selling strategies, but only a few have done so to any major extent. Why is that, I wonder? It seems like a rather neat idea, and the companies that do it do so in ways that must be profitable I feel.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Because you're probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about. What's a packaging extra, you ask? And why do you always assume that you know exactly what I'm thinking about asking, you presumptuous prick, you ask? Well, my definition of a packaging extra is an extra item of interest that comes with a game you buy that isn't the game itself, its instruction manual, or the myriad of little paper cards jammed into the case that inform you, in the highly unlikely case that you haven't already guessed, that the company that made this game has also made OTHER games, and that you should buy them. Most commonly, this comes in the form of an extra CD with the game's soundtrack on it.* At other times, this will be something like a small book of official art that will come with the game for free if you reserved a copy with your local vendor and thus guaranteed the game company a sale. This quick, easy little packaging extra has the advantage of usually being a free addition that gamers can appreciate without paying extra for.

There are, however, a few cases (steadily becoming more numerous) where a company will come out with two game package options. The first is just the standard deal--you buy the game, you get the game, its manual, and plenty of ads to insulate your house with, or whatever people do with them (I could probably avoid buying toilet paper for a month if I decided to wipe my ass with the ones I get each year with my games, there's so many). The second, however, is at an elevated price (often like $20 - 35 higher, I think), and comes with the game, manual, colorful TP, AND neat little knick-knacks related to the game. Art books and soundtrack CDs are usually just the start of the stuff offered, and sometimes it can get so silly that it's fun. For example, Fallout 3's special edition came with an art book and a Making Of DVD, which is nice, standard stuff, but it also came with a Vault Boy Bobblehead and a Vault Lunchbox, both of which are fully functional at head-bobbling and boxing foods, respectively.

Does having my very own video game lunchbox that I'll never use matter all that much? Well, no, not really. But it's fun to have! And cheaper than most video game collectible crap you can find.**

Why don't game companies do this sort of thing more often, I wonder? I mean, plenty do the pre-order stuff with minor tidbits, but those ones are almost never all that interesting. Let's face it, you can get the art book's pictures online the day after the game's released pretty easily. The upcoming Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner 2's pre-orders come with a stuffed Jack Frost doll, which is something, but Jack Frost is boring and overplayed as their mascot. I'd rather have an adorable plush doll of somebody like Beelzebub, or Thanatos--something you'd want to hug and then run screaming from.

But they don't often go all-out with the little trinkets, and I kinda like them, sometimes. I mean, maybe there's no point to having a cloth map of Lunar 1's world, but the Lunar 1 packaged extras made such a big fuss over the game that it was endearing (in fact, I was way more satisfied with the map than I was with the game's plot and characters, sadly). It's got to be at least a little profitable for the company--a cheap plastic bobblehead and a lunchbox can't be as expensive as the difference in price for them that Fallout 3 charged--and it's something a lot of gamers are happily willing to pay for, should they need to. And hell, even if you don't want to invest the time and effort into a separate collector's edition with goodies in it, offering something really cool with the RPG's pre-order instead of just the normal art/music crap that anyone can view/download online would be effective and appreciated, too--the best game-related pieces of merchandise I own has got to be, without any competition whatever, the Ghaleon Punching Puppet that came with pre-orders of Lunar 2. That thing is WAY more fun than the actual game is. I mean, it's Ghaleon. As a punching puppet. I just think that this is a largely unexplored market for RPG-makers, is all.

Also, I unfortunately couldn't really find a proper place for this in the rant above, so I'll just stick this in as a parting: a half-assed bonus disc of ads, art that's easily obtainable elsewhere, and very short, largely uninformative "History Of Final Fantasy" video that eventually becomes another ad does not count as a Collector's Edition just because you put it in a fucking metal case, Square. I can't believe that people were actually paying extra for a fucking METAL BOX with their FF12 copy. As if all these game remakes didn't already prove that you'll do ANYTHING to have your fans give you money for nothing.






* Although, oddly and unfortunately enough, I've noticed that most of the time an OST is included in games whose soundtracks are generic and have maybe 1 or 2 songs max that are noteworthy. I guess it makes sense, though, that if a company knows they've got a good soundtrack, they'll want to sell it separately instead of just give it away.

** Have you SEEN what they charge for crappy, fragile, non-moving Final Fantasy figures lately? I know this ain't the early 90s, but my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures cost 1/5th of the cheapest FF figure price, and could actually DO stuff, not to mention manage to keep their goddamn limbs and heads attached to them. Even adjusting for inflation and extremely minor additional costs for the FF figures' detail, it's fucking crazy.

General RPGs' Hot Spring Scenes

Hot Spring Scenes. Oh how I loathe them. They are the bane of my existence (well, one of them...I seem to have quite a few). They are almost invariably pointless, crude, and degrading just to have to sit through.

What is a Hot Spring Scene, you may wonder. You also may not wonder that, knowing what I'm talking about or just not caring, but I'm going to explain it to you anyway, because I like the magic words that appear when I hit the letter buttons and want to see more of them. Well, a Hot Spring Scene is a small, but (given its typical lack of importance to the plot) unusually time-consuming event in an RPG (or anime or comic, but I focus on the RPGs) in which the main party spends time soaking in one of those communal baths that Japan is famous for. The guys will be on one side, and the girls will be on the other--in theory, anyways. I'll admit that I don't really see the appeal of sharing the joys of scrubbing armpits and soaping up asscracks in the great outdoors with a bunch of other people a few feet away, but I don't have anything against the idea of a social bath thingy, and the impression that the games give is that they're supposed to be relaxing.

My problem with Hot Spring Scenes in RPGs is that they will, without fail, include at LEAST one of the following stupefyingly idiotic and crude situations* that manage to be possibly the cheapest gags that Japan has to offer. Seriously, fart and dick jokes have no less integrity than this crap:


A. Breast Comparisons. Dear lord. There is some kind of unwritten law in Japan that if any two or more females are naked near one another, they have to, under penalty of death, loudly compare the size and shape of one another's bust with their own. Why? Because the lowest common denominator demands it, of course! I mean, I know that girls probably do talk about that every now and then during their teens, but these characters are often adult women, and it's like they have nothing else they can possibly talk about. And the actual dialogue is always just unbelievably stupid. This is basically how it will go, with only a little variation:

Girl 1: OMG Girl 2 you have breasts and they're nice!
Girl 2: OMG no way Girl 1 your breasts are bigger! EVERYONE IN THE WORLD WISHES THEIR BREASTS WERE BIGGER BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT GAME DEVELOPERS THINK FANBOYS WANT.
Girl 1: Yeah but ironically the only people in all of anime-RPG land who don't want big breasts are the girls who have them! If only I had your lesser-sized breasts, Girl 2! Which I must, of course, emphasize loudly the niceness of, again!
Girl 3: I am very flat. This is sad, but somehow humorous, as well!
Optional Girl 4: What up bitches, sorry I'm late and/or over in the corner so that my joining the conversation sets up the possibility of my surprising you.
Girls 1, 2, and 3: OMG Optional Girl 4 you have the most perfect breasts of all, even though you are the least likely to have such things, given that you are very innocent, a cross-dresser, or possibly an entirely different species!

I can't help but feel that even the breast-comparing talks that do occasionally occur in real life between girls can't possibly sound so stupid. You could call a phone-sex operator and hear a speech less blatantly (and poorly, for that matter) designed to turn you on.

B. Attack of the Fanboys. What could possibly be more HILARIOUS than the idea that men want to see naked women? Nothing, hope many a game maker.

Many of the Hot Springs have two separate areas, one for men and one for women (which seems too few in some RPGs; you'd think some of them would have more divisions, given how many different species of sentient beings exist in them), meaning that the entire party can bathe at the same time, segregated by gender. Well, fine, right? I mean, most RPG casts are made up of fairly respectable people who aren't indecent savages, so I'm sure they can manage the bare minimum of etiquette and keep to their own side, right?

Ha ha ha, no. Not at all, it seems. These paragons of heroism that we're supposed to respect may be able to resist the temptations of power and the very essence of the forces of darkness, but tell any one of'em that there's a topless girl bathing next door, and suddenly they have less integrity as human beings than Austin Powers. If one of the male party members doesn't outright try to sneak into the girl's side, then he's at least going to find a hole in the wall or boards or rocks or whatever separating the two sides. Of course, he'll usually succeed, because for some reason, not only does every single word whispered on the girl's side carry over to the men's, so that the breast-comparison nonsense can further inspire them to voyeurism, but there's almost always SOME part of the boundary that can be looked through. Sure, you'd THINK that an established business running a Hot Springs area would take some sort of steps toward privacy, but where would be the "humor" in that?

And of course, the finale to all this is usually the girls finding out that one of their friends has developed an instant case of Seriously Creepy Stalker Syndrome, and physically harming him in punishment. While the logical conclusion to this scenario, I would like to note, for the record, that this, like all other parts of the scene, is not really at all funny.

C. Unintentional Attack of the Fanboys. Like Scenario B, Scenario C involves the boys invading the girls' bathing area (don't ever expect to see the roles reversed, incidentally, because, as we all know, while every male alive has to be perverted, not a single female could ever be). This time, however, it is, incredibly enough, unintentional! Somehow, through a turn of events that is more contrived than the plot of Xenogears, the boys wind up in the girls' area without intending to. Maybe somebody mixed up the time when the girls would be in the bath. Perhaps someone got the directions mixed up. Hey, maybe one of the guys was on his own side, leaned against the wall separating the sides, and somehow the wall caved in and he fell across the side. Nothing is too unlikely or obvious a ploy for this "comedy!"

This scenario, like the one above, ends in the guy being beaten up viciously, only this time he doesn't deserve it. Because, somehow, this is expected to be hilarious.

I swear, the Japanese have a disturbing obsession with men getting the shit beat out of them by violent, short-tempered, and totally unreasonable women. There've been animes where this happens at least twice every freakin' episode.


With few variations, at LEAST one of these scenarios is guaranteed to be in an RPG Hot Springs Scene. While perhaps not THE absolutely stupidest, base cliche scene in anime ever (thank goodness RPGs haven't started incorporating those fucking swimsuit contests that animes throw around all the time...Persona 4 just better not be the one that makes it a norm for the genre), I certainly can't think of a worse one common to the world of RPGs. Hot Spring Scenes are like the perfect mixture of low-class perversion, poor writing, crude semi-humor, and just a whole hell of a lot of "Wow, that's just pathetic" short of actually just being Final Fantasy 10-2. This bad cliche is one that needs to die more than pretty much any of the others.










* The Suikoden series is the only one that's sort of an exception, in that it has a crapload of Hot Spring Scenes that don't have the crappy events I list--but SOME of their scenes DO include the terrible cliches, so they're not really exempt.

General RPG Lists: Greatest Swords

So, as a breather after a few rants of actual significance, I thought I'd do a rather pointless list rant today to answer the age-old question that everyone* has wondered at one point or another: of the many, many swords found in RPGs, which ones are the very most awesome? It's actually not an easy question answer, for, quite frankly, magical, super-powerful swords are a dime-a-dozen in the RPG genre. If we are to determine which unparalleled blade is better than all its unparalleled peers, we'll have to look at them as a whole and find the ones that stand out even when considering magical super-swords. Let's see, shall we?

UPDATE 12/14/16: AeternoBlade added; Elsydeon has been bumped off.



5. Master Sword (The Legend of Zelda Series)

The Master Sword isn't really all that incredibly powerful, by RPG magical sword standards (hell, it's been outclassed a few times by swords in its own game series). What makes the Master Sword really awesome isn't how powerful it is, but its singular ability to utterly repel evil. It just knocks back dark power like a ball pitched underhanded to Hank Aaron by a 10-year-old and cuts through barriers of evil magic like a battle axe through a birthday cake. The Master Sword may not be able to cleave mountains apart, but there's no better blade for bringing down a true, evil villain.


4. Excalibur (General RPGs)

Good old Excalibur. The greatest sword of legend on this planet shows up in quite a few RPGs, and is just consistently one of, if not the, best weapons in any game it's in. Add to that the fact that it often shows up in RPGs with intrinsic positive qualities (holy elemental, for example, and let's not forget how it had an intrinsic Haste effect in Final Fantasy Tactics, making whoever used it insanely strong AND fast), and the fact that, c'mon, it's freaking EXCALIBUR, and you've got something pretty cool.


3. Lightsaber (Knights of the Old Republic Series)

Yeah, yeah, okay, not exactly a sword, but...close enough, I say. Forget these other swords. This is what power is. The Lightsaber is just pure destructive potential. It just lazily goes through anything it encounters like it was nothing. There have been many other energy swords of various kinds in games and animes and so on, but none of them are so steadily unstoppable as this one. Graceful, simple, elegant, the Lightsaber is a little piece of killing technology that puts all those magical bullshit swords in other RPGs to utter shame. The Masamune, Ultima Weapon, Mana Sword, Eternal Sword, Glance Reviver, and so on...a Lightsaber would melt'em all on contact.


2. Dual Blade (Lufia Series)

(Note: The version of this sword from the beyond shitty Curse of the Sinistrals remake does NOT count).

Not only is the Dual Blade crazily powerful. Not only does it have a spiritual energy like that of a god's. Not only is it so powerful that you could theoretically suggest that it can distort the fabric of time and space around it over time (best explanation I've got for how jumbled and buggy-looking the area around it is in Lufia 2, besides it actually being bugged--but there's something about the area and the fact that it happens again at the bottom of the Ancient Cave where the ultimate monster is found that tells me that the Dual Blade's resting place was intentionally left looking like the universe's coding exploded). But the Dual Blade also resonates its spiritual power with and against your own, enhancing your strength with its power and using your determination to become deadlier itself. Its wielder can also use it in battle to completely recover their health and greatly increase their strength and ability. You practically become a deity just from wielding it--assuming that you're worthy enough for it to choose you. Now that's a legendary sword worth noting.


1. AeternoBlade of Past (AternoBlade 1 + 2)

This sword provides such raw, inconceivable power that it's hard to fathom. The AeternoBlade gives its wielder the ability to rewind the entirety of time around herself, while she can move freely, and every attack she scores on an enemy unknowingly going back in its own timeline will remain, leaving that enemy to, from its perspective, suddenly sprout dozens of fatal wounds from nowhere. How unimaginably overpowered is that? What foes could possibly counter such an ability? This is more than a time stop, such as a few of the most impressive spells in RPG history are capable of performing (such as Feena's power in Grandia 1, or Sailor Pluto's in Sailor Moon: Another Story, both of which are insanely overpowered). This sword's power gives all the benefits of a time freeze spell, but also the added bonus that since the foe is retreating backward in time, the AeternoBlade's wielder knows exactly what actions the enemy is about to take when she chooses to end the time rewind. Time stopping AND effective precognition! And if that weren't enough, the blade also allows its user to frequently make tiny hops through time-space in which she is invulnerable (think Tracer's blinking ability in Overwatch), to instantaneously warp back to a  predeterminedspot she's been at previously, and (also like Tracer, only better) to rewind her own time line several seconds (or even close to a minute) to heal herself from fatal injuries she might have sustained, and allowing her to recall this averted fatal future so that she can avoid the same mistake. The sword even allows its holder to do this for a few seconds after death, it seems, since in the game it'll give you a bit of time after Freyja's HP has hit 0 to go back and fix things. And there are also certain relics one can equip that resonate with the sword, conferring even more insane power from it, such as the ability to heal oneself while rewinding the rest of the world, instead of just when rewinding oneself. Whoever wields the AeternoBlade is effectively immortal and unstoppable.


Honorable Mention: Star Dragon Sword (Suikoden Series)

While not enormously powerful (although its ability to kill immortal assholes is a nice plus), I'm rather partial to the Star Dragon Sword because it talks. And through talking you find that it is grumpy, vain, and just a jerk in general. If I were a sword, I'd be like this one.


...HA! Finally, a short list rant! It CAN be done!







* "Everyone" may need to be read as "me, and me alone."